Friday, July 2, 2010

What does Bipolar feel like? like this ...

thank you for visiting

as mentioned previously, i was diagnosed bipolar when i was a teen...

what does bipolar feel like i hear you ask?
(well ok i might not hear you ask that, it might just be voices in my head)

now that i actually do confess to having it.... i do get asked a lot about what bipolar feels like
i cant speak for everyone of course but from my own experiences and from talking to other people with bipolar

most of us think too damned much we cant help it its part of the disorder

no biggie right?

well here's a little experiment for you to get a feel for what its like
get hold of as many radios/cd players as you can get your hands on (got to be more than 5 preferably 10 or more)... tune them all to different stations,

now turn on the t.v (or more than one if you can)
now get back to the computer and start rapidly clicking on random web pages one after the other (try and hit 200 a minute) whilst trying to read the entire content of each as your rapidly clicking away opening more
imagine all that, (the radio's the cd's the tv the internet) are thoughts all running at the same time... that's just an inkling of what its like ... we cant turn it off. we have to try and sleep like that half the time too

(please bear that in mind if you catch us in a irritable mood, or wonder why we look distracted)

the lows ... (the depressive phase)

as with any type of depression that can vary... but most of us will relate to this following description fairly easily
trapped in a narrow deep, dank, pit of hell. the walls slick, sharp barbed thorns encircle the walls spiraling, reaching ever higher to the distant point of dim light far far above, a gaping maw below, waiting to swallow our soul. demons reaching ravenously, grasping at us, clawing, trying to claim our flesh on which to feast.
their howls of hunger drowned out only by our

screaming soul

(yes there's a reason why a substantial amount of us attempt suicide)

but suicidal is the worst it can get right????

er NOPE,

(actually suicidal is a fairly decent stage because you know you can end it with death if you really cant take it any more so there's hope)

there's a phase where even suicide wont help you escape, you KNOW this shit is going to go on for eternity no way out no hope of escape no end even death wont help because it will continue even after that

almost as bad is the phase when suicide is not an option because people rely on you to be around. people that you are supposed to be caring for whilst simultaneously going through this,

or because some one has told you you'll burn in hell for an eternity with a thousand pitchforks stabbing into you
(personally i say big freaking deal been there done that... see above)

... or because of other moral obligation or beliefs that bind you... or simply because you hope this will all pass soon and its just a "temporary problem"

(damn i hate that phrase.. temporary??? yea you try it buddy and know that even if you do come out of it... it will ALWAYS return)

of course it doesn't always get that bad

there's also that delightfully charming stage where our body's turn to lead and our brains to mush (though it can be a nice break from racing thoughts). where climbing out of bed is like climbing a mountain... and i don't mean a nice meander up

Kilimanjaro or a gentle jog up Mt. Kinabalu either i mean something like freaking Baintha Brakk (aka The Ogre) or the K.2 (aka The Savage Mountain)

even something as simple as fixing food can be beyond the scope of possibility and the thought of the outside world can fill us with unbridled terror, coping with other people during that phase can be an extremely draining experience its almost like other people drain our life's energy out of us like some crazed ethereal energy vampire,

seriously dude you can wipe us the fuck out, even if your being the most understanding caring loving person on the god dammed planet its nothing personal but damn, for the most part we just cant deal with you...i don't know about others
(because oddly enough iv not asked them on this particular point)
but for me i can almost bear folk around me, hell sometimes almost comforting... its interaction that drains the hell out of me,

(if they could pretend i wasn't there it might be ok ;-)

AAAHHHH but then there's the highs (mania)

man it is FUCKING AWESOME (though i know a lot disagree and dread them) but hell i used to live for them (of course my highs were very mild compared to most folks). kilimanjaro??? sod that i could fucking fly up the side of Baintha Brakk, K2? , i could probably fly up that pimple on the face of the planet too,(though many worse than me might think they could fly off the top of it as well) K2? it could kiss my ass

As my thoughts raced ever faster the world around me slowed down i could cram a week into a day, inspiration streamed at me hitting me like asteroids striking the planet, idea's exploding through the mind like the Forth of fucking July, all you wonderful folk out there that have tried various drugs to get a high (come on admit it i know some of you have tried)...i don't wish to rub this in, or make you feel bad in anyway but you don't know shit about a real high, there's no comparison take your best drug high and multiply it by 10 hell by infinity

i felt like i could do anything i turned my hand too,

my husband would go out for the day and come home to not only find the living room, repaired, redecorated and rearranged but an 8 ft dragon murel on the hall wall as well

(he was drunk at the time though i seem to recall he sobered up real fast)

i was lucky, my highs were mild and i rarely got into trouble with them


with some they can become very destructive, a complete break down of inhibition can lead to total disaster, spending their entire savings getting themselves into huge amounts of debt, massive risk taking behaviour, (think of the worst of the old rock/heavy metal stars behaviour) broken marriages, devastated family's, and enough fatalities from folk flying high to strike fear into the very thought of a high (accidental overdoses cuz fuck were super human and it wont hurt us, yea man i know i can steer this car at 150 miles an hour, with my feet? no freaking problem, kinda thing not to mention yea i can jump across the roofs from this sky scraper to that one no problem watch me fly baby watch me freaking fly)
and of course after that ....

there's the crash

(and i don't mean from the extreme examples that end in a wet bloody splat.. after every high no matter how severe or how mild)

... you cant fly high for ever, you can only push your body so far before its time to pay the piper ( remember the lethargy mentioned earlier? its like that, but this time you also have to deal with the consequences of all the crazy ass shit you did, not to mention the guilt, self loathing, humiliation and knowing that eventually your going to have to face everybody and they are all going to be judging you, laughing at you, and thinking you are insane, (and granted whilst you were in a high you probably were,) but now your cold stone sane)

But like anything else you get used to it right???

well that's the extra fun part about it, for a lot of us, just as you get to know the symptoms, and the order of them and can start making little plans of action to deal with it before you start spiraling out if control, just when you have that smug feeling of... ha i laugh in the face of bipolar... the shit up and changes on you i mean it totally metafuckingmorphosis on you .. where agitation was the first stage its suddenly the teetering threshold of hell... what you should been looking out for was noise sensitivity, or the tiredness or some other freaking obscure clue that you could never of bloody guessed at. every one is different, for some they remain fairly similar through out or so I'm told, others it seems to change any where between every 3 to 8 years.

i am planning on adding more info, links and so forth if you have any links that would be useful please let me know or anything you think might be a useful addition to the page just jot me a note and I'll be happy to consider/implement/insert it

thank you for the suggestion anonymous 374 but i don't think its even possible to insert that particular object there ;-)


  1. I am bipolar as well and you hit the nail on the head...

  2. thank you cnstarrs and thank you also for takeing the time read my attempt at blogging

  3. Interesting article!

    I've never had that much experience with anyone that's bipolar. It's always good to learn about things like this so that I can have more awareness.

    Thank you for visiting and following my blog as well!

  4. thank you jc im glad it interested you :-)

  5. I have bipolar disorder but it seems to feel differently. I'm more of the scared, paranoid type. (if I don't take my medicine)

  6. hmm i didnt really go into the paranoia did i .. i should of .. i guess with me im just so used to it and realise its just the bipolar that i pretty much ignore it for the most part.. an edit required perhapes for those that cant as easily do that

    good luck with yours

  7. Hi I have Bi-Polar,both my parent's had Bi-Polar so their was no escaping it.L.O.L It is wonderful to hear someone telling it as it is. it is the worst when someone say's well it just an excuse for your motion's.OH really...
    Any way thank/s for your blog.

  8. thank you hanna, it crops up a lot in my family as well, watching the youngest members of the family for tell tale signs is a special kind of hell

  9. Wow, this just hits the nail right on the head. I'm also Bipolar, too, and this is so accurate. The next time one of my parents tries to tell me it's all in my head, I'm gonna tell them to try that experiment.

    A suggestion, though. I don't know if you've ever experienced them, but what about mixed states? Maybe you could add something about that.

  10. good point thanks for the input ... when i get around to popping something in about the parinoia ill add the mixed state too ... might be a little difficult to describe to the non initiated though hmmm now you got me pondering....
    ohh b.t.w did you read this on a whim;-)

  11. I'm the Anonymous above, just so you know.

    You're welcome. The majority of my episodes are mixed states, so it's the first thing that occurred to me.

    They are pretty difficult to describe, but I always sum it up like so: "I'm so happy, I could kill myself!" or something to that effect. Maybe say it's the worst of both worlds? All the loss of inhibitions of mania with none of the fun high and well, there's nothing fun about depression, but you get all the nastiest symptoms - irritability, which, with the mania part turns into rage and this whole 'screw life; what has it ever done for me? Just fuck it all.' Um, yeah. Sorry. I'm trying to describe it and I'm hijacking part of the post or something.

    Actually, you started following my twitter last night (@THEquickpixie) and I popped over to yours to see who you were and I saw that you had nearly identical interests to my own - bipolar, poetry, so I followed you back and a link to this post showed up in my feed this morning, so I came over.

  12. lol well thanking thee fer "showing yourself"

    and hijack away ;-) im in the apathetic phase so saves me the trouble of editing ;-)

    lass called whim mentioned my blog on twitter not long after you posted, hence my curiosity

  13. On Twitter I have a long standing friend who is diagnosed Bi-Polar. From day one we hit it off because I just accept her as I find her. Exactly and just that.

    I work much with Autism, the thing that stands out is other peoples misconceptions due to Films like Rain Man etc. People can forget how very individual each person's experience and manifestations of their condition.

    I like individuality don't you. It's your life. I just accept as I find. Not Rocket Science is it.

    You educate well.

    Thank you for following my blog also. Yours is presented very well. I am in awe.


  14. thank you for such high praise jampot
    few accept people for who they are, and all too often the disorder becomes a persons perceived identity.

  15. lived with a dad who has it and refuses to recognize and get help for it.. it is HELL!
    -The way you described how it felt w/ the radios and the tv's, etc., it sounded more like schizophrenia to me.. what I observed was this rabid rage that just comes out of nowhere and hours/days later, the person acts as if that never happened.. There's manipulation, abuse, and playing victim around those who did not have the "pleasure" of witnessing the episode take place..

  16. i used the example of radios and t.v purely as an example that non bipolars could relate too. the reference was to think of them as our own train of thoughts and ideas, not voices that we think come from external sources.

    and yes there are sadly some who will use bipolar as an "excuse" to lash out with out consequence.. as indeed many folk will use any "disorders" as an excuse
    iv known many folk over the years that manipulate, abuse and/or play the victim and iv got to say most of those that exhibit these traits were not bipolar.what they did all have in common though was a sense of entitlement

    although these traits are mentioned often towards some that have bipolar i think that the connection is made more because of the fact that those type of people that are prone to manipulation will use any tool handy to them... be it bipolar, a disability, circumstance or age and so on

  17. I must be bipolar. This is my feelings in a nutshell. I won't tell mum though, she's stressed enough....

  18. it can be a difficult thing to deal with with out the support of family and/or friends

  19. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I in 2008. The part that I can relate the most to is dealing with the consequences of all the things you said and did when you were manic/psychotic. It's hard to let that stuff go and not to dwell on it.

  20. the whole dwelling on things can be a total nightmare i dwell on some the silliest things

  21. hey i just started blogging to get things off my chest about being bipolar that most ppl dont understand and im happy to find others with it! check out my plain blog

  22. ill make a point of checking it out now things are less hectic