Thursday, July 29, 2010


so .. after week of feeling like shit and over dosing on meds my house looks like a bomb hit it and i think my laundry pile is evolving its very own eco system (seriously with the extra bedding i went through with the fevers this pile looks fit to rival mount Everest, and i generally hand wash this shit arrrrgh) .. no way i can tackle everything before i head off to see the kids

got half a mind to flip things around for once... you know how sons always have a bag of laundry when they visit their mum's ... seriously thinking bout taking few cases laundry to sons house ;-)

am done with the antibiotics course thankfully (though i think i kinda messed up with several accidental double doses, fucking memory's a bloody pain in the arse at times) .. but alas as all you women out there know some times antibiotics leave ya with a rather embarrassing itch... should make the 12 hour bus trip bloody interesting lol.. damn i hope thats abated by then

cough not exactly gone but some of the worst crap is eased a lot, im all excited and would be raring to go if werent fer fact i still have to pack... which means mounting an expedition into the laundry mountain arrrrrrrgh

Monday, July 26, 2010


things are getting kinda cluttered on here with everything seeming to spread further and further away from bipolar... but as one commenter pointed out .. in a way because i have bipolar every topic i decide to alight on is in some way connected to the main subject of bipolar... even the music/ poetry/ just for fun or even simply my thoughts on things pages, are intrinsically linked to bipolar... how i cope with it, how it colors or doesnt color my views or perceptions.

that being said things are still getting kinda messy so after having a blog for just over a week (lol) i find i need to spring clean already, i think as i reorganize things i shall add little explanations of how each is relevant and/or how useful a tool it is in regards to bipolar.

alas this means, im guessing, that as i move sections around or add them to different pages im going to lose some comments that have been posted WHhaaa  

whilst im doing this reorganizing it would be great time for any one who would be kind enough to offer tips suggestions or advise on how to improve things even more, lay out idea's, topic idea's, and so on... pointers on where i go wrong are handy too i am after all a total newbie

official 5 year clear

as some reading this will know several years back i got diagnosed with cervical cancer (well ok it was yes you do, no you dont, yes you do, no you dont, depending on what current mood they were in, who's charts they were looking at, or how they threw the dart at the diagnosis board)

any way two years, one inept surgeon, bugger knows how many procedures (culminating in a hysterectomy) and one exploding ovary later, we finally chased it all down. during times like that you develop a rather sick sense of humor

now... i know iv been saying its officially 5 years that im cancer free ... 
(yes at some point they did make up their minds, the uterus screaming yes i am at them assisted their decision)
... but that was more along the lines of its been officially 5 years... on Tuesday its officially official.. that is dr approved, lab tested and sanctioned, totally free of cancer whoo hoo go home and party official... (dr peeked at slide and assured me its a sure bet)

now .. my idea to celebrate was a cake in the shape of a womb, possibly with a fire cracker placed in the ovary like a candle (figured it would b both symbolic and get the celebrations off with a bang)... i thought it was a cute idea...(and i figured we could cut into it with more precision and skill than the surgeon had)... my boys however think this might be a rather gross, sick "mum are you fucking insane!!!" kind of idea, siiigh no sense of fun huh,  
now given that 5 years ago i threatened them that i was going to bring the womb back in a pickle jar as a visual aid for a sex education talk with them, you'd of thought that they would be used to my sense of humor by now huh

yes, yes i know that would of been a rather traumatic sex ed talk .. but i figured if i scared them fer life i might not have to worry about unplanned grandchildren cuz it might possibly put them off of sex fer life ...

just imagine.

"so sons .. this is where your sperm enters the womb past this rather nibbled at cervix.. (yes that thing that looks like mice have been nibbling at the edges of ).. into this area .. the womb.. (yes sorry its partially decomposing and kinda necrotic but imagine it fresh)...any way, from here it starts its magical journey to find an egg.. which is released from here this ovary ..(well ok this bloody pulp that used to be an ovary) the egg travels down this fallopian tube (just kinda ignore the missing section, fer some reason she left part of the tube in me, were not sure why) any way.. around about here (in the missing part of the tube) the egg gets fertilized by your sperm then they travel down to this part of the womb .. see sons? look carefully.. do you see all that area there ??? boys come back im not finished the talk yet ... what are you doing with that bucket?... ohh do stop screaming"

needless to say i didnt follow through on the threat ... but i think it would of been really, really cool

their reaction to that idea was pretty much the same reaction as im getting to my cake idea ....

one even went so far as to suggest we have a nice cherry filled cake instead ... i didnt have heart to mention that a "cherry" cake was possibly even more wildly inappropriate than my idea was. (certainly not for a 5 year anniversary)

so what do you think best ? .. womb shaped cake with fire cracker ovary? .... or a plain cherry cake?


so i kinda got the all clear from dr's but with qualifiers ... so it was more along the lines of ... we agree things look good but were not happy with the amount of cells so were taking another swipe at it before we say for sure ... and were going to do a "t something or other marker test (forget the name)" as well .... ohh well

other than that they did get my old records from my surgeon .. or rather they got some bizarre fictionalised account that only holds its hands up to a couple of procedures .. a diagnosis that pre dates the initiation of all the procedures .. and a rather odd finding on the cervix of the last procedure .. doubly odd cuz i didnt actually have a cervix by the last procedure so neat trick .. yay way to go ohio .. (that nearly as good as the reappearing "ovary" argument lol)

thankfully the fantasy doesnt make a difference to the follow up procedures so im set to go just it was just all very much anti climatic and in general rather disappointing though

latest update... they recalled me back whilst i was at the boys, wanted more tests and another ultra sound urrrgh

so phoned up to reschedule the appointment, thinking it'll be the usual 2 or 3 weeks... they want me in this wednesday two days hmmm.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

the bipolar granny

so the day draws nearer fer my trip to see the boys and of course some grand kids too

and im told im about to become a grandmother again ...
(but hush and keep your lips sealed cuz its a secret and im not allowed to tell any one, so naturally i decided if i wasnt allowed to tell any one id announce it on the world wide web instead)

iv never really been the overly affectionate sort ... even with my own kids, i mean yes it goes with out saying i loved them but i was never one for the gushy crap ... bonding time with my family was us all heading down to the dojo.

 play time was either going out back and kicking the crap out of each other (no not like that... sparing training) or wrestling each other...

with a side order of jumping out from behind corners and scaring the crap out of each other. (we all decided we better calm down on that though after a few of their friends wet themselves)

im not very experienced at this grandmother shit .. previously my oldest grandchild was half way across the world so things were fairly limited to phone calls... the grandchild i happened to be on the same continent as is only a baby,

 but now iv got these two ready made partially pregrown grand kids .. little lass and a little lad who are, of course, where im about to go stay for two weeks ... and they are expecting some sort of "grandma" to turn up ...


did i mention that with the exception of my own kids im one of those folks that dont actually like kids in general? .. dont get me wrong i dont actively dislike them (so long as they are behaved) i just for the most part dont understand the little buggers.. even when i was a kid myself i didnt understand the little sods.. they are kind of ok if they happen to be into art, music or martial arts it gives me a starting point but other than that i seriously am quite happy being no where near kids..

which is odd cuz the little buggers seem to love hanging about me ... (i think its because either they are the spawn of satan and actively seek out those that dont like them, or ..., they are like some sort miniature cult determined to "win" me over, .. or it could be because i talk to them pretty much the same way as i do to adults..... seriously why do people talk to kids like they are bloody mentally deficient???i hated that as a kid and dammed sure i wouldn't inflict it on one)

 i have some dim recollections of my child hood of grey haired grannys with bags of sweets and a carpet bag full of "goodies"..
i seriously dont fit the bill on any accounts im guessing nowadays turning up with a bag of penny chews and the latest copy of a spiderman or beano comic is probably not the recipie fer success that it used to be so what the hell is the equivalent today???
now its all very well folk saying to me just be your self but .. iv got to pretend to be sane... be some sort of grandma creature .. ohh and above all remember to not fucking swear.. (or at least keep it to the minimum) my kids and i use the phrase "you little fucker" as a term of endearment ... im guessing that wouldnt go over very well with two partially pre grown grand kids .. and im kinda guessing that takeing them out back fer a good kicking wouldnt go over as well as it used to with my own kids either.. and weve all learned our lessons from jumping out and scaring the crap out of folk who werent raised with it .. so what the hell does that leave ????

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

just me

so ...
im not usually into doing these "personal" day to day hum drum posts but sod it
i can latter blame the meds if i decide it was just way to stupid a move to post

as any one reading this probably knows im throwing cough meds (prescribed and other wise) down my throat as fast and as much as i possibly can in an effort to get rid of it before the 30th when im going to visit my boys for two weeks .... so i need this damn cough to piss the hell off

any way im pretty damned sure some one at the chemist mixed my antibiotics script up with some ones suppository script because these things are bloody huge,
 (they might actually of been prescribed for a horse)

im not actually sure how effective the treatment is going because the dizziness/nausea might well be either a result of the infection or way too much cough mix............
either way the buzz is at least fun


here i am with a sodding cough
hoping to hell
it'll bugger off

with syrup aplenty
to sooth the rasp

but do these capsules
go in mouth

any way isnt this meant to be a bipolar blog?
sod it im too depressed to care (thats my story and im sticking to it ;-) nice tie in though dont you think?)

on a side note ... W.T.F is with verification for comments
"The characters you entered didn't match the word verification. Please try again"
i think the Internet is just trying to screw with my head

any way as i was saying at some point earlier before i went totaly off track (or was it off the rails) on the 30th i get to see my boys whoo hooo... ill be staying with son number 2 and his new lass, ill need pretend to be relativly sane so as not to scare the poor thing.
(i just love that pic its so me)

i secretly think this might be a totally useless effort cuz im guessing she will see right through any pretence at sanity what do you reckon?

hmmm is there any point to me doing these more "personal blogs" styling's
or should i just shut the hell up and climb back into my web?


k so here are my thoughts on my thyroid mass in connection to bipolar
years back i got cervical cancer

(i just cant get over how pretty they are)

we solved that problem but since the crap with the cervix tumors mass's growths polyps nodes nodules and cysts have been popping up like daisys

(Wid0w, Wid0w quite contrary how does your body grow... with mass's and growths.. polyps and nodes... and pretty cyst all in a row)

(non of them cancerous i hasten to add)
any way .. so since i got the thyroid node/nodule/growth

(iv lost track of what the hell they call which occurrence where)

the oddest thing has coincided... my bipolar has eased off down to less than half of what it was

whooo hoooo for the depressive side of things .. but damn i miss the highs.

now lets be clear on this .. i was one of those medication resistant types... i.e most the dammed meds on the market did bugger all for the bipolar and just left me feeling like hell... with the exception of lithium, when i first tried that it worked... unfortunately no one told me what it was like to "not" have bipolar and i thought waking up happy was a sign of insanity

and it scared the crap out of me so i threw them away...

next time we tried lithium it alas did not have the same effect.

now at first i thought it was the adrenal gland mass (because when it decides to go nuts i get the strangest fake panic attack sensations, which i thought could mean it could effect mood or certainly at least agitation) but the more i look into things the more likely i think its the thyroid one thats causing the change as their is already certain dr's and scientists that are beginning to connect/research thyroid function in respect to bipolar

There is a direct connection between thyroid disorder and bipolar symptoms but it has never been clearly determined what that connection is and why the thyroid hormones cause bipolar actions. The symptoms are similar since hyperthyroidism mimics bipolar behavior.

whilst im pretty certain that gaining a growth in the thyroid will never become a popular "cure" (any more so than my realization that the cancer was a damned effective weight loss aid) i do find the whole thing rather curiously interesting so i thought i would share

i also think the new information on the link offers a tantalizing hint at the possibility of a "real" cure at some point in the future

now what would be a really interesting follow up (now that im back doing the whole dr crap) would be to see what happens if they decide to remove it
(although i think for now im inclined to keep it)

Friday, July 16, 2010


1. If you could spend the rest of your life doing only one thing, what would that be? writing best seller novels perhaps ;-) ? nah seriously finding a cure for bipolar (not for me so much as for those that dont want it) oh you meant things im actually capable of ?sleeping count?

2. What is the best thing you can bake/cook: in my youth i used to cook rather interesting brownies

3. What household chore is your least favorite? ill go with the all of them answers... other than that washing down my dragon collection is a massive pain in the ass damn things are dust magnets

(and here's some i made earlier)

(actually seeing as they are a flour/plaster mix can i use it for the baking question too i wonder)

4. If you could bring three things to a deserted island, what would they be? can the things be people? stephen fry for company and conversation johnny depp for something else entirely and a life time supply of paper.
if people dont count.. life time supply of coffee.. life time supply of smokes.. and the life time supply of paper

5. What's the next big thing you are thinking about splurging on? trip to visit my boys who are scattered about ohio.

6. Post a current photo, if you wish to be elusive, and abstract of closeup will do just fine.....
i hate my photo being taken i have very few snap shots my profile pic with the hat is about the most current..

(looking for a more recent one as we speak)

(dont suppose this is recent enough?)

8. If you could have ANY pet EVER, what/who would it be? Realistically? iv had so many odd pets its difficult to pick.. if the choice were to be one iv not yet owned .. a black panther

Unrealistically? a dragon

1. Who is your favorite musician/band and why? hmm my tastes are kinda varied and who i like pretty much depends on my mood... for overall versatility i guess id have to go with marillion... because no matter my mood they generally have something appropriate

(why cant i post a player here arrrgh ?????)

2. What celebrity annoys you the most and why? unless any of them decide to stalk me cant really say any of them annoy me per say

3. What has been your biggest letdown lately?


4. Worse job you have ever had and why?
sculpting "blanks" for a gardening company... hired me for creativity and imagination but kept wanting me to do bloody boring inane standard shit "ivy leaves? frigging ivy leaves and you kidding me???"

6. Guilty pleasures? Spill. buying art/craft supplies

7. The last argument you had with someone - what was it about? my fellas father... pretty much told him he was a pretentious, pompass over bearing bully, and a control freak who didnt scare me in the slightest
(i was nice enough to dedicated a poem to him though)

second pass over the horses ass

the bridge ruins lay bathed in darkness. dark shadows dance across the stagnant waters below.
crumbling stone fall into the shallows
splashing stank stains onto the horses ass carved into the stone

beyond the horizon the heather grows
awaiting the sunrise and all it bestows
free from refrain in the wind thats blown
and in the distance the sound of the solitary phone

(scratching your head?.. surname bridge)

8. What would be something you would NEVER do, even if someone paid you a shit ton of money? .... pretend to be some ones friend