do we dare to dream?

so ...

time i think for another bi polar post

(not a rant i hasten to add)

bipolar and its effects on art

the first and most direct effect of bipolar on art is i think we can all agree is

medication

this is a topic that comes up fairly frequently and is one that has most artists/creative types at logger heads

with their Dr's/Psychiatrist

most artists will tell you that they feel the medication will hamper the creative process and significantly impair if not  kill inspiration,

in general they reach this conclusion through observing other artists both on and off meds and their resulting pieces,

by talking to other artists and asking how they feel it effects their art

and of course through personal experience

most psychiatrists will tell you that they do not think medication harms the production of art in any way

many going even further and laying claim to it improving the process

they come to this conclusion by ... well most of them don't say

some of them cite working with many other artists and claim they continue to paint successfully

i think some of this disparity of view comes from the difference between technical proficiency and inspiration
(most psychiatrists don't seem to know there is a difference)

whilst meds
(so long as they are not to zombie extent) 
do not actually impair the technical ability to paint a proficient piece
(what i call the pretty paintings)

there is in our eyes a huge difference between
a pretty well executed painting
and
a painting filled with inspiration
one that has the ability to speak to you ,
not in a psychotic way of commanding you to burn burn burn, but in the manner of being able to evoke a strong emotional reaction with in the viewer

another less explored effect bipolar has on art and one that i think affects me the most

comes from the training
to guard against mood swings

from a very early point in diagnosis we are taught manic highs bad, (lots of fun but very very bad)

euphoria = danger

delusions of grandeur = the evil of all evils
(allow your self to succumb to it and chances are you'll be deciding to fly off the nearest tall building, because hey you can do anything )

along with struggling to keep the lows in tight reign we are also taught that its imperative to keep just as tight reign (if not tighter) on the highs

after all lose control of a low and you might end up dead

lose control of a high however and the results can be far more wide ranging and dire,
destroying the lives of those you care about,
landing you in jail,
life savings blown,
homelessness
and so on

were taught that one of the warning signs of an approaching high is over confidence,
the belief that we have the ability,
skill set to do things which we are not in actual fact capable of doing.
it is emphasised time and time again,
drummed into us that we must on no account give in to this.
in effect we are
taught,
trained,
and
berated
into continually questioning our own abilities and if they are merely a perceived delusion or an actual ability  

which for a lot of things is a fairly good tactic

carpentry for instance
can be quickly decided between delusion or ability
by the amount of blood resulting in constructing a piece of furniture,
if it stands to the test of time,
and if the resulting furniture is safe
(sharp exposed nail and chances are your within the realms of delusion rather than ability)

where as flying

can be fairly easily written off as a delusion

art however is subjective,
success does not necessarily come with talent,
(in large most success is achieved through p.r or knowing the right folk)

many with out talent can be highly successful
if they move in the right circles

and many with huge amounts of talent never manage to achieve success in their own life time

so how do you actually distinguish from delusion or talent ... dare you dream that you are actually any good? or must you guard against delusions of grandeur?

sales?
...
well no as mentioned lost of crappy talentless paintings sell, often for large amounts of money

people telling us they like what we paint?
...
nope because folk are often surprisingly kind, biased, or feel as though your so lacking in self confidence so much they need to boost it for you. besides they might be as delusional as we are..
(not to mention the flip side of that folk can also be amazing cruel, jealous or just mean spirited)

can we boil it down to figures?
if we can produce that which around three quarters of folk can not... does that equate to talent?
...
not really because some of the three quarters might be so full of self doubt they don't try there by messing with the figures,and even if you can produce something others cant how do you tell the difference between mediocrity and true talent?

so
whether we have talent or not we are left in this limbo of hoping we have talent but not daring to dream and take it to the next level in case its just dangerouse delusions of grandeur

how does depression affect your creative spirit?

and do you find treatment enhances your creativity or impairs it ?

on an interesting side note...

you

(if you have read my blog before)

have seen me comment on the possibility of a link between thyroid/adrenal glands and bipolar

given that since the mass's turned up there has been a huge decrease of my bipolar

both in severity and frequency,

i think it may also bear pointing out that there has also been a decrease in inspiration

not a cessation merely a huge decrease

I was reading an article

on the rise of incidence in bipolar

and thought i would share my feelings on the topic with you

I think as with most things in life its unlikely that the massive increase in bi polar diagnosis/incidence is down to any one reason, but more a combination of contributing factors...

its possible misdiagnosis accounts for a huge part in this.

Simple time constraints on over worked Dr that just does not give them the time required for an in depth exploration of the nuances in their patients behavior/conditions.

Sloppy/lazy diagnosis with bipolar merely being the quick easy option...

or caring sympathetic but overly cautious Dr diagnosing bipolar "to be on the safe side" erring on the side of caution due to the possibly huge ramification should they be wrong

and i hate to say it but, in some cases, greed its far more profitable to diagnose bipolar than to tell some one they are moody

And of course with the symptoms of bipolar being so widely know now there is that fraction of society that will lie or exaggerate their "symptoms" merely to procure an excuse for miss behavior

or in the case of children parents who will do like wise simply so they have an out... a reason to say their child's behavior is not because they as a parent failed

Another thing to take into consideration is the "seek and you will find" factor... you see what your looking for

Life styles/society/the environment even diet is ever changing it is highly plausible that this or an aspect of this may also explain an increase

The illicit drugs factor is difficult as there is always that chicken or the egg factor... is the incidence of higher use merely an attempt at self medication?

I feel i have to mention that i have had bipolar all my life although of course i was not diagnosed until early teens, medications were fairly ineffective, leaving me foggy, unable to concentrate or create. As i entered mid to late teens i like many others "experimented" with hashish, smoking it socially fairly regularly for around a year or so, iv got to say that although this would be considered the "wildness of youth" it was possibly the least "wild" time of my life... the incidences of both the deep depressions and (rather perversely) the highs mellowed with a greater space of time between them

In incidences where it is said that there was no bipolar before drug use, one thing i have noticed with my bipolar is that with or with out drugs every 4-7 years it "morphs" .. it could merely be a case that for some the symptoms were milder and over looked prior to drug use, and diagnoses after drug use merely a result of a normal progression (morph) of the disorder

All good things must come to an end though and as i started thinking of having a family i stopped using hashish and the bipolar returned as strong as ever and i struggled with it for years, various medications that left me ill foggy or just simply did nothing.

Lithium did once work when i took it well over a decade ago... but... and i know this is silly, the effect scared me, keep in mind i had grown up with bipolar and knew nothing different other than when i was on hashish... so to me waking up in the morning smiling meant, to my mind, that i must be high or manic, no one had explained to me that this could be considered "normal". Happiness with no cause/reason was something i had only ever experienced whilst in a manic state or whilst using hashish... both of which in societies eyes are bad/wrong/evil a sign of mental instability and something to be avoided, and so i ceased using it ...

when questioned years later on why on hearing my explanation a Dr suggested we try it again, this one patiently explaining that happy for no reason was OK but unfortunately the lithium no longer had the same effect

If i may digress from the subject of the article for a moment, something you may find interesting, a number of years ago i developed a few mass's.. one on the thyroid, one on the adrenal gland.... since then the bipolar (curiously) has been minimal, perhaps even milder than when i was using hashish, or when the lithium worked.

From....

..... rather regular periods of mood swinging from the seven pits in the depths of hell

 going through suicidal tendency out the other side to feelings that even death wouldn't help or ease pain, and its flip side of weeks with little sleep and extreme activity (were talking decorating,revamping,remodeling the entire house in the nude in three days kinda thing whilst dashing off 4 canvases and wanting to copulate with anything in trousers)

....To....

....now days ... i get a little blue sometimes and have occasional bursts of inspiration, got to say with such a drastic change i find it hard to believe the occurrence of the mass's and decrease in bipolar are unconnected (although i do doubt it will become a popular cure lol)

apologies for the length it seems i have a lot to say on bipolar

so whats i been doing instead of blogging?

err i guess there would be no great surprise in telling you iv been up to my ears in paint

 for latest updates on my art click here

iv written some poetry too

to see that click here

and i got back into designing board games

mainly because ... well ... i was bored and it seemed appropriate way to kill time

(yes awful pun i know)

 perhaps ill post a pic of that later

ohh and did i ever mention i was designing a dragon

a fully articulated one using a program called blender

(wire frame environment)

yes hes a little basic for now but hes still a baby

as time goes on and i learn more about the program he will get a little more detailed

(forgive the awkward pose for now poetic poses will come later this is simply the easiest pose to design him around)

iv used blender briefly in the past to very basically and crudely alter objects.

and the computer nearly melted at the effort of doing just that

but this is my first try at creating from scratch and certainly my first go at adding the ability to pose

most folk learn using a ginger bread man

...

(a screen shot of said ginger bread man posted by some one on yahoo)

but i figured sod it if im going to learn ill do it with something that will hold my interest

now im not designing him with a view to animation, i want him as a model for painting or for use in comp gen art.

and yes im aware the frame is a mess but.. i tried smoothing it out and didnt like it .. i prefer the craggy look

now .. experienced users of the program would of gotten this far in their design in less than an hour

but so far its taken me forever

im not going to tell you how many days it took me to get this far because you would laugh

but ohh well im a newbie ill get better as i go on

for now though

we need to give him a name

(answers on a self addressed postcard to blog answers.com ;-)

and yes hes seeing an orthodontist today

i was busy adding the teeth last time i was working on him

not yet finished shaping them and positioning them

all of which as im sure you can easily conclude means ... yep im still getting hit by a fair few mini manic phases

and damned useful they are too

i have some good news to share too but that my dears is another post ;-)

why redirected?

so........
figured my main blog was was getting a little "cluttered" so decided to start "chopping" it up into little bits dealing with the separate issues... that way you guys can "follow" only the bits your interested in

my "main blog"
 http://exper-e-mental.blogspot.com/
dedicated to bipolar... and my life in general
 (and currently is where most my followers are)

my "poetry blog"

http://wid0wsweb.blogspot.com/ just what it says on the label ;-)

or my


"arts and crafts blog"

http://mitch-arts.blogspot.com/  dealing with ... surprise surprise arts crafts and anything in my life dealing with such matters

so back to bipolar

its been a rather interesting week of messed up sleep a roller coaster of highs and lows and manic flurrys of periodic activity... all of which resulted in me not really blogging .. well beyond the art updates any way .. and the occasional poem .. but im not sure they count do they???

not sure whether to refer to this week as rapid cycle or rabid cycle

so what set this all off ?

hmm well .. bipolar does not actually need a reason but.........

actually the art may of set off the coaster, it frequently does .. or is it just a case that art is the first symptom .. who the hell knows

the fact he lost his job a little over a month ago may of set the ball rolling ... but really cant say iv been feeling to stressed about things so far... he was fairly quick on the ball to apply for unemployment as a "just in case measure" and bizarrely enough living standards actually went up a notch or two.

 (due in part to thankfully paid off his family for the "help" from the last bout of unemployment)

did tell him if he asked for "help" again hes on his own im out of here...

actions have consequences... plan or deal with the consequences... if that means homelessness tough

(that is not to say im out of here if trouble hits.. merely deal with it together with out outside assistance {unemployment doesnt count as outside assistance because he pays into the system for that, so that is foresight})

yes some times shit happens that is beyond our control, or beyond foreseeable in which case he may ask my boys for help (depending on the circumstances) and hope to hell they are in a position to "put us up" at their place should it come to that.. (but id much rather just go camp out somewhere. iv started from scratch before and can do so again, possession's apart from a few sentimental memorabilia are just unimportant trappings that can be regained over time)

call me old fashioned but "help" is a voluntary matter and should not come with an expectation of the ability to command a person what to wear, what not to wear, how to talk, think, what to like, what xmas gifts you should be considering, what you deem important in your partner, how frequently you can see your own family, what brand of things to buy (regardless of the fact you know a cheaper or more appropriate option),  nor should it be an excuse to demean, talk down to, or insult in any fashion you choose...

my boys thankfully are not like that

but

there are way to many people nowadays that only seem to want to help people out as a means of making them self feel superior, a way of putting folk down and or lording over and controlling them. much safer not to run that gauntlet, yes a debt of gratitude is afforded for help, but its not an excuse for all of the above

any way i digress...

other possible reasons for the rabid cycle....

well actually returning from my trip to the boys could of been a trigger too... parting is not a sweet sorrow its a gut wrenching hell

hmm sleep.... symptom or trigger do you think ... could be either or both really

on the bright side i did get fairly far on my paintings, on the bad side iv been really crap at "helping" my latest victim...

you see we had a deal when we got together ..

there was aspects about ourselves that we really didnt like and we both wanted to "improve", to eradicate the traits we didnt like.. not in each other you understand but in our self... i wanted to work on my "hermiting", assertion (seemed like good idea given previous relationships) and motivation ... hahaha lmbo .. i really did well with that huh

 not ... (and yes i plan to work on other stuff later)

and my latest victim? holy shit he came out with a whole goddamned list of shit he wanted to change... and i thought i was manic from time to time,his list was mania central,

i cant even write out the list in here its so damned long.

i think he basically wanted to reinvent himself from the ground up, suggestions of possibly starting with one or two aspects were not met with any enthusiasm i guess hes a kinda all or nothing kinda fella

any way the plan was to gently encourage, use positive reinforcement, point out to each other when we were back sliding, and hell if the occasion demanded it nag, bitch, and use every trick in the goddamned book to help each other on our paths. (this according to some apparently makes me an evil bitch... not sure why. i always thought partners should help each other achieve their goals but oh well each to their own)

so several years down the road...

my latest victim has

improved his self image.

improved his appearance (most of the time)

has become more responsible

more determined and motivated

used more forsite

is better at handling money

has a vastly improved empathy

overcame the bigotry he was raised with

shit the list goes on and on pretty much everything on his list hes been steadily improving over the years

my great achievement

errrr

ummm

ahhhh

well im more apt to talk to strangers now does that count?

and i let him drag me out the house at least once every two weeks for shopping

well in my defence i do occasional suggest a trip out ... ok its once in a blue moon but its something isnt it?....

ok iv done shit on my list... happy now?

can i just put his improvements and my failures down to me being a better nagger than him????

what do you mean no???

any way todays blog is in the main to make up for my lack in this matter lately ...

through the art my heads been rammed up my own backside...

or rather the paintings backside would be more to the point.

and iv not been ..

handling or supervising the money as i promised

(possibly just as well with the manias) although i got to say hes been doing just fine and not really blown anything on crap.. (i cant say the same he took me shopping whilst manic haha shit bad bad wid0w.. so 30 quid of assorted icecream, cookies, cakes and so forth later he finally put his foot down lol, ohh i got him a suit too but it was a very cheap one and he needs one every fella should have a suit... can i claim that as assistance to his improving his appearance???oh and i use a lame excuse that if im pushing to socialise i need a decent new dress)

every thing hes done lately iv pretty much just looked up from the canvas and said ohh thank you honey well done much appreciated etc

im supposed to tell him if i think he gave it his all or can do better but iv not really been giving that any thought.

he was ironing his outfit for an interview the other day i did say i was impressed but thats about as far as iv gone encouraging him or fulfilling my side of the bargain, so i feel kinda bad

so id like to make a point of saying ... well done your doing great ... keep up the good work ... you really dont seem to be suffering of late with my lack of encouragement, nagging and so forth.... you seem to be applying yourself well, you seem motivated, your appearance (beyond the need to shave more) fits the occasions demands,  ohh and you seem to of gotten to grips with budgeting... in fact id call our pact off now cuz it would appear that you can take it from here on your own .... but im so crap at working on my shit i still need the pact ;-) or a stick of dynamite which ever is most likly to get me out and about more

siiiigh another failure from me.. or is that just the down side of me talking?

any way his efforts of "self improvment" are inspirational even if they dont seem to be inspireing me to get to grips with my list very much

more insanity

so

as you know iv been kinda lost within the realms of painting

being bipolar this means iv got several underway and i pretty much hop between them all

bit here bit there... variously enjoying my self, and totally trashing the house

(no not out of temper tantrums when one doesnt go the way i want, just general mess with paint cans drop cloths and so forth which im too busy painting to pick up,)

the "living room" is currently in the process of being buried under several "drying" canvases....

the "dinning area" is basically covered in a giant drop cloth and looks like a bad accident in a paint factory

ahhh but the bed room is clear i hear you say? well no, i live in an efficiency apartment

(i like the price and generally when im not painting its small enough for me to keep moderately tidy no matter how my health is on any given week),

we do though have a bedroom sized alcove  .. however i ran out of floor and table space so currently the bed is also drop clothed and im sprawled across it painting "fine detail"

so....

whoo hoo yea im one of the few woman thats actually had stephen fry in bed with her :-) well on the bed at least..

and if that werent enough..... due to the fact im

1 a hermit,

2 its just my latest victim and me here,

3 paint is pain in the ass or impossible to get out of clothes

4 ok 3 is just an excuse cuz i just like padding about my place nude.... but 3 it still is kinda valid

5 ohh and my new great excuse our A/C is busted

any way that all means not only do i got stephen fry in/on bed with me but i be only in my birthday suit too .... poor fella lol

(just as well he dont read this... poor sod would be blushing to his roots ;-) )

so....

nude with stephen is ok ...

but ...

nude with "portrait of pain" not so hot....

(still have some ways to go on this yet)

you see... this particular one requires mini barbed wire,

 which i constructed sitting cross legged on my bed.... however there was a bit of bad news......

im kinda absent minded so i kinda laid it aside then promptly forgot where

good news .... i found it

bad news ..... as barbed wire, mini or not, it really really works well .. "ouch"

so i can really accurately report that making mini barbed wire is in fact a pain in the ass
and i have the punctures and scratches to prove it

##################################

having poured my heart and soul and many, many, (wo)man hours into

the paintings im working on now ... such as ..,

please bear in mind these are works in progress

as well of course as the main (kinda when i can b bothered) project of

yea hes not looking so hot again .. ohh well

i will fix him

any way i decided after all the frustrating heart felt hours of painting to "mess around"

with a foil technique

which was simply tearing up foil slapping it on a board, and then throwing torn up tissue over it, then messing about with some pastel and varnish.. 

closer to kinder garden than high art lol

kinda no brainer quickly, lets pass time and give the brain a rest, just have fun, sorta thing

anyway including the time spent a drying couple hours of messing resulted in ...

this

which my latest victim quickly proclaimed as his favourite "piece" that i was working on

W.T.F

hours and hours of blood, sweat, tears, frustration spent on the others

meaning hidden in every weave of the canvas,every careful application of the paint, the shading

thought out from every angle, and the care in the composition

and yer favourite is ....

basically

the trash left over from making from last weeks turkey, and the contents of shoebox

 

what can i say

you

PHILISTINE

lmbo ...

nah im glad he likes it but sheeese lol

times i just want to pack up my paints and call it a draw on art (no pun intended)

###################################

So

After flogging myself over the fact i hated the direction stephens pic was going

i pretty much reworked the entire facial paint layer using oil paint and pastel

then blending them in

this resulted in this.....

p.s ..

no i wasnt reenacting g a scene from the da vinci code and breaking out the barbed wire from earlier,

i was purely and only mentally flogging myself and howling at my own inadequacy's... i think it did the trick though i figure its improved vastly