on poetry

so poetry what relevance to bipolar?
well hell writing for one is a great release for everything that we hold inside, all that shit we are too scared or uncomfortable to talk about.
 when you do a good mix of topics you can slide fact in with fiction and most folk wont be able to tell the difference
so we get to vent about things with out having to actually admit to them.
reading poetry we get to know that we arnt alone, to realise some one else out there understands, gets how we our self feel, we can gain new perspective on our own problems or pick up tips on how to cope... and off topic poems are a bloody good distraction ;-)
   
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given that this is in actual fact a blog site, and not a poetry site, i thought i might try something a little different and instead of just posting a long list of poem's iv written, attach (to some of them) a little explanation of either how they came about, what they mean to me, or a little back ground info on what was happening in my life at the time of writing them.

given that the list is now getting a little long though i thought you might find it more helpful to have indexed links to specific topics so you could just read what ever you were in the mood for rather than having to plow through an entire page of rambling .... so 

Who D.I.D it?
An Exper E Mental Audio Poem
Erotica 
On Fun
Medicated Dedicated
On Abuse
On Xmas
  Demonic Intention
On Songs

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this one following one was written whilst running the gauntlet of bipolar medication... but given my current condition on the board i thought it might be appropriate to post it now, it seems to fit quite well. 

psychedelic smiles


Twisting twirling psychedelic yearning
floating gloating learning turning
flashes before mine eyes
clear blue skies?
Unfocused eyes
unseen lies.


all pain all fear all hope all souls die
lost in the psychedelic confines of my mind
I laugh again I smile so bright
no more feeling no more fight
giggling insanely in my delight
as I stumble blindly towards the light
no hate no pain no fear to see
but no soul left im loosing me
pretty pictures make me blind
im winning the battle but cheerfully …loosing my mind

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Concealed


Concealed… in the cacophony… of a temporal woodland
Yellow sunlight… splits… on moss covered ground
Blue bell'd flowers… dance… in shallow breezes
as birds sing… to the silence… cast around


Waterfalls… call… with gemdrop harmony
As soothing streams… hush… your troubled mind
Crickets… add percussion… to imagined silence
As you float… in the haze… of this surreal sublime


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Smith

deep within the corners of the darkened recess
a haze of shadows steps out with the promise of a gentle caress

light from a flickering flame rebound
lighting the haze that this new shape shifter found

and as the shadow shifts in seductive dance
the suggestive implications hinting at a more than passing chance

a silken tied figure in repose upon the bed
watches in mesmerisation as the haze of shadows softly treads

closer and closer to the figure below
a wisp of satisfaction as insubstantial lips bestow

the ghost of a kiss on waiting flesh
embracing shadows, soft as a lovers breath

slowly the shifting shape solidifies
Smith now apparent with hungry eyes

poised in anticipation atop her prey
both hearts beat as one now its time to play

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The Widow


The wid0w spins her silken web
Beauty between fine gossamer thread
Frost drapes like diamonds, glistening in the dusk
Enticing… provoking… curiosity a must


Though many see not the shinning array
See not the warning the cold frost does display
Flying tangled into clinging weave
Allowing shinning smile to deceive


Wrapped in silken sheets they end their strife
As the wid0ws fangs sink in… to end their life
Then on to the next…


“Come… pray let us tarry a while”
The wid0w turns with sparkling frosted smile


Seeking sustenance for heart, body and mind
The wid0w seeks to feed on all she finds
Romance, love, passion… hunger all end the same
Life near the wid0w a dangerous game


Remember as her fangs reach to feed upon your heart
The wid0ws love is always dark
Brings pain and death to all who seek
Poisson lurking below exterior meek


A tender husband, love to seek in the dark
But tender of flesh… not of the heart
For sustenance the wid0w lusts true
Who shall feed her next? … Be it you?


But who is caught tightest in this web of style
Be it the prey? The lover? The wid0w with frosted smile?
If death comes to all who tarry along
Tis a lonely smile a lonely song


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this is kinda long, sorry about that ... it inspired the 3d painting below or is an extension of the idea of the painting (kinda chicken and egg thing really) 3d doesn't photograph well im afraid... any way if you want a shorter read just scroll on down past it... flows a bit messy in this one but it is raw emotion so sod it, maybe i will "polish" it up a bit one day but for now i like it as it is... its pretty self explanatory and has to do with some of my "diagnosis" that shrinks love me to collect. these guys seriously arnt happy unless they give you a three ft deep folder. if you got pasted with the same label im sure you will "get" it, to any one else sorry if it just confuses the hell out of you ;-) but perhaps you might still enjoy........... 

looking glass

Take a look into the looking glass

with in a moment

you are there.

As the dark, dank, tunnel tumble’s you,

within the darkness

feel the terror, feel the tear

Torn too with fascination

split by fear and dread.

Dead paths revealed before you,

as you wonder where they led

Theres one traveled trail of gravel,

this path pulls to draw you on.

One real resolution

to find out what has gone

 

Through bramble that grasp the glowing orb

as they strangling out its light

Barbed fingers clutching, cutting flesh,

as roots sternly seek

to clasp you tight

Onward over boundless cavern wide

spanned by slender, fragile rope.

Can it bear this extra weight?

Can you risk to hope?

Darkness flys around you

as you seek safe sanctuary.

Will you find that peace of mind?

or merely stark insanity?

Through slender hall

with grasping hands,

make small yourself and speed.

They reach without despairing bars

upon your soul they’ll feed

The open space of desolate

fear flys in dark’s disguise.

Souls shrieking sorrow creeping,

hunting ...waiting

till the prey is once espied

Hunting as you run for cover

a tower looms up high.

Locked door and pitted walls

for cover you must climb

Howling figures dive

as the you strive to reach the top.

Whispers in you frozen ears

that urge you now to drop.

Aloft a window, hope’s a fire

as you stumble through the aperture.

No going back now for what you see

you wanted answers?

what could it be?

Alone a maiden sprawled on her bed

lifeless

Is she dead?

A mirror affixed the door

fragment reflections upon the floor.

A fist a belt a shoe ?

Who broke this mirror ?

Was it you ?

Did sharp words reverberate?

Was it more than it could take?

Besides the mirror a trail of blood,

each piece fragment caused a cut.

Can you see into the shards ?

Do you know now where you are ?

CAN YOU SEE INTO THE SHARDS ?

DARE YOU LOOK FROM WHERE YOU ARE ?

Now take a look into the looking glass,

any piece but have a care.

Take a looking within the looking glass

in a moment you are there.

But as you walk within the shadows

as you feel reality tear.

Can you escape the looking glass,

or are you trapped in there?

Deeper and deeper

can you escape in time ?

Take a look into the looking glass

welcome to my mind

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given some of the threads popping up as it were on the discussion board

i thought i would post these, they were actually a writing exercise... the challenge was to get as close to explicit as possible with out actually crossing the lines into pornography or vulgarity/crudity

(although of course every one has their own ideas definitions on what constitutes porn/vulgar/crude)

when i first wrote them and posted them on my original web site they got about 10 times the amount of views as any other page

 (gee i wonder why)

so i figured they would make a good test post for my poems to see if their was any point posting them here............

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Silken Skin

silken smooth skin.. writhes from with in ... beneath my fingertips
fingers that slide so softly... followed... by moist, hot velvet lips

a warm breath's caress... over strong, bulging chest... as my lips continue to explore

palms that glide to muscled thigh... that leave you wanting more

do you feel your passion growing? ... beneath my loving touch

slowly lips glide ever lower... some things we shouldn’t rush

soft hair whispers lightly, over lips sweet passing trail

closer to your excitement... my tongue flickers... as i kiss... what makes you male

grasping manhood firmly, as i kiss the velvet tip

slowly softly fondling, as i enclose you, within my lips

firm wet pleasure pervades you as they glide along the shaft

i can feel you pleasure growing, as you feel my warm breaths draft

fingers that slide over trembling thigh

deep base tone to tease a tempted sigh

pulsating passion throbbing to try

as it enters a startled cry

deeper deeper deeper within

slowly sliding slipping in

lips grasping moistly to feel everything

hips thrust temptingly now let us begin

a strong stroke and im gentle gasping

my rippling muscle contracting and grasping

tight around pulsating pride

stronger longer let us ride

another thrust felt deep inside

a startled cry eyes open wide

my back arches as you hasten speed

i moan softly can you feel my need

my hips thrust to heavens as i follow your lead

faster harder let me steal your seed

a strong stroke and im gentle gasping
my rippling muscle contracting and grasping

pleasure flows freely as you slip and slid

an orgasmic cry with a final thrust inside

pulsating pleasure bursting with pride

together we finish... eyes open wide

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on the shore by the lake

hands glide smooth over oiled skin

massaging shoulders and soul within

soft hands caress as chills begin

tingling sensation forbidden sin

soft lips caress behind your ear

warm breath seducing intention clear

soft nibbles as you loose your fear

souls move closer as we draw near

whispered sensation round lobe and nape

strong emotion hands start to shake

warmth building as another kiss i take

the beginning of an evening on the shore by the lake

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lovers caress

slick bodies glide and press.. beneath the lovers caress

moist lips that seek the soul.. as warm hands move to feel there goal

hot breath rasps past nape... a stolen kiss to take

lips moist on lobe... as palms glide to thrill the soul

flesh tingles as hands explore... hips thrusting, wanting more

fingers slide to trembling thigh... slowly higher, a whispered cry

tips tingle teasingly tickling pulsating lips...

moist inviting emptiness... more forceful thrusting hips

a sigh so soft as fingers probe... soon felt deep inside

warm moister begs for even more... as fingers start to glide

explosion felt with pleasure, ripples through out the soul

the soft touch of you finger... soon replaced by more

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( this was written after some light hearted banter on the discussions board, after a jested request to feature in one of erotica the poems ..........)

the legacy of the board


hands caress your waiting flesh as moist lips lower to taste
savouring the moment, tormenting with the pace
tongue tickles at your rippling thigh..
as hot breath flows with trembled sigh
the hunger grows as i feel you writhe
and legacy with open eyes





pulsating pleasure with a single tear
throbbing flesh as lips draw near
a light touch as i hear you moan
then the incessant ring of the mobile phone
i know the tone and i have to fly
so i guess for now ill say goodbye
perhaps this jar or cream will do
and heres some tissue for when your through

(not the ending you were hoping for? lol sorry but i couldnt resist)


;-)

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and not in the on erotica section we have the following which tie in quite nicely i think

(and help kill the tone set fairly efficiently)

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Hot wet tarmac steams within the misted veil of rain. Head lights glow amidst the hum of harnessed horse power, as their reigned potency throbs to be released again.

The neon glow casts its hue to the shadow of a hundred trucks, as the solitary soul travels the isles,  peddling their forlorn and lonely whole to fuck.

Hushed tones drowned to the night, lost within the roar, near desertion, with darkness's immersion, the exception of the lonely whore.

A rocking truck when shes found some luck, now only two souls left to bare, neither one belonging, neither should be there. Safe within the darkness, hidden by shadowed might, lost with in the furtive grasp, lost within the dream of night.

 

 (........my partner was a long haul over the road trucker. for a while i rode with him in the cab...yep i was a seat cover. frequently i would hear the truckers laughing at what i thought was the tragic figure of the lot lizard's... late one chilly night (after a solitary dash to the truck stop loo's) the preceding thought occurred to me as i made my way through the semi darkness of the lot back to our truck)

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To dream of you

Every night I close my eyes, to the touch of your hot caress

I feel your hands explore me; I feel your warm moist breath

Lips pressed hard upon me as I feel them bruise my soul

Each night I close my eyes knowing .......that I will… replay my role

I feel your strong hands coursing… across my soft silk flesh

My body writhes beneath your touch… as slick bodies glide and press

As I close my eyes I feel your breath… hot beneath my ear

Each and every night I close my eyes… with sorrow and with fear

I see you in the shadows I see you in my dreams

I see you in my nightmares nothings as it seems

Your stagnant breath upon me as you pin me to the floor

The hollow sound so echoing, the bolt across the door

Struggling weakly beneath you… I struggle to escape

My silent scream are echoing as my body you do take

Tears fall from my glazed eyes… as the blessed darkness falls

Stomach wrenching terror… as still I feel you maul

At last your time is over an eternity of hell

You pass me to another… and laugh… as he takes his turn as well

My flesh bruised but unbroken… my mind a shattered mess

I listen to echoing laughter as with shaking hands I dress

Each night that I close my eyes… I feel your stagnant breath

Each and every night I close my eyes I long for blessed death

Will this dream ever be over? Will the nightmare never end?

Will I ever trust another? Will I ever find a friend?

Why do I seek for punishment? Drawn to pain and fear

Why feel terror at the closeness of every thing held dear?

Used, confused, shattered, abused

Taken in so foolishly by sick and simple ruse

Trust not my mind forever more

My sickened judgment, punishment from before

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and nope to forestall any questions i dont always write about sex lol, in fact i rarely, do but given the title of the section.....

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ok maybe that was a little too depressing  so a quick cheery one

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Neanderthal

Awoke on this fine morning to the clamor of the day

i stepped in side my living room and wished id run away

As I looked around the devastation, the chaos and debris

I heard five guilty voices… their pleas “it wasn’t me”

Well heck… I guess I slept so sound last night… I guess I didn’t know

A localized hurricane… was whipping up a blow

Sweet hubby with his blatant charm, offered to set it right

It doesn’t matter... I smiled sweetly, you still get non tonight

All day I had to listen, to the repetition of his woe

I murmured placating comments… as I thought where he could go

He actually tried conversing with all the elegance of an ape

He started sounding reasonable… guess its time to medicate

I got these pretty pink pills… to help me make it through

“But seeing as how you’re the biggest cause… should I be giving them to you”

Perhaps if he were sedated… I wouldn’t be at beck and call

Perhaps I was mistaking…

to marry a neanderthal

........(hubby number one (i number them because its just easier that way).. used to invite his buddys around for drinking sessions all the time.... and they would basically trash the place leaving guess who to pick up the pieces.. if that wasnt bad enough he'd also sit there can in hand staring at the t.v letting the kids wreck havoc.....also inspired by him my version of the 12 days of xmas.)

 

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romantic nights

 

dishes piled high...with in the sink

your suppers late... thats bad you think

your storming off... in a royal mood

screaming orders... for some food

complaining hard... that suppers late

im reaching now.... for that new cleaned plate

i smile sweetly... as i dish your food

the puppy cleaned it ...  really good

i listen to... your vast complaints

as i clear away... your emptied plate

your full of shit... but not for long

laxative stew... do you think thats wrong?

it was over salted... and and dosed up well

i hand you coffee... and you cant tell

thirst is quenched... but its full of spit

because im tired ..of your constant shit

your playing cards... on computer screen

ignoring me... but i wont be mean

i watch the clock.. as i wait and smile

the laxative.. will be just a while

your belly rolls... and you clench your cheeks

an hour later.. the bathroom reeks

and yet still... you are... so full of crap

but dont worry dear... cos ill get you back

bed time's near... and you think we'll play

but no way darlin... theres non today

a final coffee...and you drink it gone

that was a doze of trazadone

feeling drowsy... you've your teeth to do

with that very same brush... that i cleaned the loo

so nag complain and bitch and squeal

ill smile sweetly.. as you call to heel

now snoring hard ...to wake the dead

your belly empty... though you were fed

i grab my pillow... as i ponder through

what the law would do ... if i smothered you

........(hubby number two... turned out to be a total control freak, after id signed on the dotted line of course... and if your wondering how i could be an idiot twice theres a post knocking around some where on this blog that explains how you fall into that mind set... any way i wrote this as i was starting to feel quite ill (was after, i think, the second procedure (i lose track). i was supposed to be on bed rest but he wouldnt stop whining, complaining, bitching about everything .... did i really do all those things or am i using creative licence .... hell yes i did them... i was sick of his bullying... petty pay back like that kept me sane.. if you think that was bad you should hear what i did after the separation lol...yes i am an wicked mean evil woman.)

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hmm makes me look a bit of a bitch really huh something else for balance perhaps?

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impoverished destiny

impoverished destiny

to show that love is blind

true wealth and happiness

look and you can find

poverty is simply

an exercise of the mind

rich in imagination

in true love when it is blind

id rather spend forever

seeking pennies from thin air

than spend an eternity

as a lonely millionaire

i wouldn’t change a moment

with out our worry and our woe

for when it really matters

i would really rather know

that i would mean as much to you

as you know you mean to me

our hearts our souls together

even in impoverished destiny

..........(ahhh the youthful flush of love .. and guess which number partner... ha .. that was partner number three (technically my fiance... im a little reluctant to take the next step and make him officially hubby number three it seems to spell doom to any hope of a relationship lol) .. any way he was insecure about his financial ability (being raised, as he was, in a fashion that worships the almighty dollar as being the utmost prime importance factor in a persons life) i wanted to reassure him that in actual fact i didnt give a crap if he had two brass farthings to rub together or not, love for who he was not what he had (or as it were didnt have) was the important factor to me. so i wrote him that one Christmas.

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mind merge

Minds are merged… across an ocean wave

As two souls… meet as one

Untangle threads of mystery

New tapestry… begun

Hesitant eyes opened

To hopes, and thoughts, and dreams

To understand the darkness

The light and shadows…. In between

You took my hand and led me…

From darkest night… to shinning day

You took my heart and held me…

Even though your far away

Our hearts are joined… through flickering screen

Past treachery undone

New strength is found…from out your heart

New melody is sung

You took my hand and led me…

From darkest night… to shinning day

You took my heart and held me…

Even though you far away

Sought… from out dark gathering

You offered… to lead the way

Soft words to soothe the fractured mind

To hold the crowds at bay

To know the strength in loving you

The joy, the sorrow it can mean

You took the time to look at me

To know nothing is as it seems

You took my hand and led me…

From darkest night… to shinning day

You took my heart and held me…

Even though you far away

But as evening falls… our voices part

I feel your presence fade

The emptiness of missing you

Of wishing you had stayed

.............(that was in written whilst i was in the uk and i was stupid enough to get into a long distance (internet) relationship with...yep you got it hubby number two (in america) lol ...ohhhh blind love how i wish your eyes were open wide)

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yes well what can i say about this one, a night of bizarre flickering images and dreams, woke up in a cold sweat with this stuck in my mind (no drugs or drink were involved by the way) feel free to tell me your interpretation of it because im dammed if i know what it means..........

the raven

the raven how she rocked you

i dont know how she made it though

once more she took good care of you

and then she up and flew

the red head how she bled you

she lied with what she said to you

she mislead and she hurt you

and now the fires gone

the baby carriage took you

but the wedding song was wrong to do

she cheated and she stole from you

now the heart has hurt so long

but no matter if you make it through

or if you feel its time to do

you cant find another lover

till the other lovers gone

the past was made to seal and heal

before old scars were meant to feel

you got to let it fade away

to let another stay

move one to tomorrow

dont let the shadows follow

cos you cant find another lover

till the other lovers gone

and to forestall any interpretations involving me getting married because of pregnancy... nope i made that stupid decision before any conception.... poem or chant, as it were, seems to be about a fella any way