Friday, September 24, 2010

why redirected?

figured my main blog was was getting a little "cluttered" so decided to start "chopping" it up into little bits dealing with the separate issues... that way you guys can "follow" only the bits your interested in
my "main blog"
dedicated to bipolar... and my life in general
 (and currently is where most my followers are)

my "poetry blog" just what it says on the label ;-)
or my

"arts and crafts blog"  dealing with ... surprise surprise arts crafts and anything in my life dealing with such matters

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

so back to bipolar

its been a rather interesting week of messed up sleep a roller coaster of highs and lows and manic flurrys of periodic activity... all of which resulted in me not really blogging .. well beyond the art updates any way .. and the occasional poem .. but im not sure they count do they???

not sure whether to refer to this week as rapid cycle or rabid cycle

so what set this all off ?

hmm well .. bipolar does not actually need a reason but.........

actually the art may of set off the coaster, it frequently does .. or is it just a case that art is the first symptom .. who the hell knows

the fact he lost his job a little over a month ago may of set the ball rolling ... but really cant say iv been feeling to stressed about things so far... he was fairly quick on the ball to apply for unemployment as a "just in case measure" and bizarrely enough living standards actually went up a notch or two.

 (due in part to thankfully paid off his family for the "help" from the last bout of unemployment)

did tell him if he asked for "help" again hes on his own im out of here...
actions have consequences... plan or deal with the consequences... if that means homelessness tough

(that is not to say im out of here if trouble hits.. merely deal with it together with out outside assistance {unemployment doesnt count as outside assistance because he pays into the system for that, so that is foresight})

yes some times shit happens that is beyond our control, or beyond foreseeable in which case he may ask my boys for help (depending on the circumstances) and hope to hell they are in a position to "put us up" at their place should it come to that.. (but id much rather just go camp out somewhere. iv started from scratch before and can do so again, possession's apart from a few sentimental memorabilia are just unimportant trappings that can be regained over time)

call me old fashioned but "help" is a voluntary matter and should not come with an expectation of the ability to command a person what to wear, what not to wear, how to talk, think, what to like, what xmas gifts you should be considering, what you deem important in your partner, how frequently you can see your own family, what brand of things to buy (regardless of the fact you know a cheaper or more appropriate option),  nor should it be an excuse to demean, talk down to, or insult in any fashion you choose...
my boys thankfully are not like that
there are way to many people nowadays that only seem to want to help people out as a means of making them self feel superior, a way of putting folk down and or lording over and controlling them. much safer not to run that gauntlet, yes a debt of gratitude is afforded for help, but its not an excuse for all of the above

any way i digress...

other possible reasons for the rabid cycle....

well actually returning from my trip to the boys could of been a trigger too... parting is not a sweet sorrow its a gut wrenching hell

hmm sleep.... symptom or trigger do you think ... could be either or both really

on the bright side i did get fairly far on my paintings, on the bad side iv been really crap at "helping" my latest victim...

you see we had a deal when we got together ..
there was aspects about ourselves that we really didnt like and we both wanted to "improve", to eradicate the traits we didnt like.. not in each other you understand but in our self... i wanted to work on my "hermiting", assertion (seemed like good idea given previous relationships) and motivation ... hahaha lmbo .. i really did well with that huh
 not ... (and yes i plan to work on other stuff later)

and my latest victim? holy shit he came out with a whole goddamned list of shit he wanted to change... and i thought i was manic from time to time,his list was mania central,
i cant even write out the list in here its so damned long.
i think he basically wanted to reinvent himself from the ground up, suggestions of possibly starting with one or two aspects were not met with any enthusiasm i guess hes a kinda all or nothing kinda fella

any way the plan was to gently encourage, use positive reinforcement, point out to each other when we were back sliding, and hell if the occasion demanded it nag, bitch, and use every trick in the goddamned book to help each other on our paths. (this according to some apparently makes me an evil bitch... not sure why. i always thought partners should help each other achieve their goals but oh well each to their own)

so several years down the road...

my latest victim has
improved his self image.
improved his appearance (most of the time)
has become more responsible
more determined and motivated
used more forsite
is better at handling money
has a vastly improved empathy
overcame the bigotry he was raised with
shit the list goes on and on pretty much everything on his list hes been steadily improving over the years

my great achievement
well im more apt to talk to strangers now does that count?
and i let him drag me out the house at least once every two weeks for shopping
well in my defence i do occasional suggest a trip out ... ok its once in a blue moon but its something isnt it?....

ok iv done shit on my list... happy now?

can i just put his improvements and my failures down to me being a better nagger than him????

what do you mean no???

any way todays blog is in the main to make up for my lack in this matter lately ...
through the art my heads been rammed up my own backside...
or rather the paintings backside would be more to the point.

and iv not been ..

handling or supervising the money as i promised
(possibly just as well with the manias) although i got to say hes been doing just fine and not really blown anything on crap.. (i cant say the same he took me shopping whilst manic haha shit bad bad wid0w.. so 30 quid of assorted icecream, cookies, cakes and so forth later he finally put his foot down lol, ohh i got him a suit too but it was a very cheap one and he needs one every fella should have a suit... can i claim that as assistance to his improving his appearance???oh and i use a lame excuse that if im pushing to socialise i need a decent new dress)

every thing hes done lately iv pretty much just looked up from the canvas and said ohh thank you honey well done much appreciated etc
im supposed to tell him if i think he gave it his all or can do better but iv not really been giving that any thought.

he was ironing his outfit for an interview the other day i did say i was impressed but thats about as far as iv gone encouraging him or fulfilling my side of the bargain, so i feel kinda bad

so id like to make a point of saying ... well done your doing great ... keep up the good work ... you really dont seem to be suffering of late with my lack of encouragement, nagging and so forth.... you seem to be applying yourself well, you seem motivated, your appearance (beyond the need to shave more) fits the occasions demands,  ohh and you seem to of gotten to grips with budgeting... in fact id call our pact off now cuz it would appear that you can take it from here on your own .... but im so crap at working on my shit i still need the pact ;-) or a stick of dynamite which ever is most likly to get me out and about more

siiiigh another failure from me.. or is that just the down side of me talking?

any way his efforts of "self improvment" are inspirational even if they dont seem to be inspireing me to get to grips with my list very much

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

more insanity


as you know iv been kinda lost within the realms of painting

being bipolar this means iv got several underway and i pretty much hop between them all
bit here bit there... variously enjoying my self, and totally trashing the house
(no not out of temper tantrums when one doesnt go the way i want, just general mess with paint cans drop cloths and so forth which im too busy painting to pick up,)

the "living room" is currently in the process of being buried under several "drying" canvases....
the "dinning area" is basically covered in a giant drop cloth and looks like a bad accident in a paint factory

ahhh but the bed room is clear i hear you say? well no, i live in an efficiency apartment
(i like the price and generally when im not painting its small enough for me to keep moderately tidy no matter how my health is on any given week),
we do though have a bedroom sized alcove  .. however i ran out of floor and table space so currently the bed is also drop clothed and im sprawled across it painting "fine detail"


whoo hoo yea im one of the few woman thats actually had stephen fry in bed with her :-) well on the bed at least..

and if that werent enough..... due to the fact im

1 a hermit,
2 its just my latest victim and me here,
3 paint is pain in the ass or impossible to get out of clothes
4 ok 3 is just an excuse cuz i just like padding about my place nude.... but 3 it still is kinda valid

5 ohh and my new great excuse our A/C is busted

any way that all means not only do i got stephen fry in/on bed with me but i be only in my birthday suit too .... poor fella lol

(just as well he dont read this... poor sod would be blushing to his roots ;-) )

nude with stephen is ok ...

but ...
nude with "portrait of pain" not so hot....

(still have some ways to go on this yet)
you see... this particular one requires mini barbed wire,

 which i constructed sitting cross legged on my bed.... however there was a bit of bad news......
im kinda absent minded so i kinda laid it aside then promptly forgot where

good news .... i found it

bad news ..... as barbed wire, mini or not, it really really works well .. "ouch"

so i can really accurately report that making mini barbed wire is in fact a pain in the ass
and i have the punctures and scratches to prove it


having poured my heart and soul and many, many, (wo)man hours into

the paintings im working on now ... such as ..,

please bear in mind these are works in progress

as well of course as the main (kinda when i can b bothered) project of
yea hes not looking so hot again .. ohh well
i will fix him

any way i decided after all the frustrating heart felt hours of painting to "mess around"
with a foil technique
which was simply tearing up foil slapping it on a board, and then throwing torn up tissue over it, then messing about with some pastel and varnish.. 
closer to kinder garden than high art lol

kinda no brainer quickly, lets pass time and give the brain a rest, just have fun, sorta thing

anyway including the time spent a drying couple hours of messing resulted in ...


which my latest victim quickly proclaimed as his favourite "piece" that i was working on


hours and hours of blood, sweat, tears, frustration spent on the others
meaning hidden in every weave of the canvas,every careful application of the paint, the shading
thought out from every angle, and the care in the composition

and yer favourite is ....
the trash left over from making from last weeks turkey, and the contents of shoebox


what can i say
lmbo ...

nah im glad he likes it but sheeese lol
times i just want to pack up my paints and call it a draw on art (no pun intended)


After flogging myself over the fact i hated the direction stephens pic was going
i pretty much reworked the entire facial paint layer using oil paint and pastel
then blending them in

this resulted in this.....

p.s ..
no i wasnt reenacting g a scene from the da vinci code and breaking out the barbed wire from earlier,
i was purely and only mentally flogging myself and howling at my own inadequacy's... i think it did the trick though i figure its improved vastly

Sunday, September 5, 2010

i loved this

i just had to share this animation it was so inspired

here is something else i thought was wonderfully creative this time within the realms of reality