Tuesday, November 30, 2010

ThanksGiving part two

but first i got to tip my hat to my home land
in honour of ST ANDREWS DAY

so now to continue ...

we left off with me heading to the hospital
damn that trip seemed to take for ever

i was slowly building up ever more horrific images in my mind
hubby number two had had an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm about a year before id gotten ill
which was a scary time, and that had him hooked up in a very nightmare inspiring i.c.u unit with tubes flowing in and out of him, bleeping machines that kept screaming out alarms, and his skin just hanging, looking like a flaccid pasty, dough.
I swear he looked like a corpse, not the kind you see in funeral homes but the type you see on horror movies .. the kinda that turn into bloody flesh eating zombies

(course if id know then what i know now, and if id realised what an abusive git he was going transform into, i would of been unhooking half of the tubes and wires there and then and saving myself from a lot of pain later on down the road)

any way

i kept getting flashbacks to that kind of image except instead of hubby number two it was my latest victim laying on the bed looking deathly pale... and yes i know i was letting my imagination run away with me and hell i know panic was just exaggerating crap ... but shit i had no "real" info to go on so my mind was filling in the blanks, ya know i get the feeling my mind really doesn't like me very much

the poor Craig's list driver
(complete with bodyguard companion)
 kept turning on the radio.. possibly in an effort to hint that should perhaps cease my constant stream of nervous inane babble ..
he was of course far to kind and polite to tell me to shut the fuck up, you know i knew i should, but just couldn't.

we get to the hospital and they say lots of nice kind soothing reassuring things, all of which went totally over my head at the time cuz hell id worked myself up into a state, i pretty much threw the money at them,
not in a rude way you understand
but in a
"i cant think straight and i don't got a second to spare"
kinda way.
 i ran into the hospital... kinda wondering if at that point the Craig's list guy +1 breathed a sigh of relief to be getting rid of the crazy Scottish lady

(brief intermission whilst my mind wanders off for a second)

"dashing through the ward
like a woman ready to slay,
oer the floor we go
rushing all the way...
(the ha ha ha that's usually inserted here in the original song would possibly be as a result of total hysteria in this case)"

sorry bout that it just popped into my head ..

any way to continue on 

i was expecting some crap about getting in to see my latest victim because i don't have that stupid bit of paper that says I'm legally bound to him...
 (not through his lack of trying to get me to agree to marriage i hasten to add)

but any way i stormed through the doors into the reception area ready to do battle if they attempted to pull the legal next of kin crap on me 
(i had heard many horror story's of that happening to folk over here)
but sigggh of relief they didn't try it, but instead very speedily directed me towards where he was
(not sure if that was down to procedure or whether id just scared the crap out of the poor soul
I'm a damned scary sight when i bristle)

i practically ran through the damned security doors and was speeding through the halls so fast i damn near fell arse over tit... walked past where i should of been going then on out through some other security doors ..
(which of course wouldnt let me back in)

at which point i figured id better take a deep breath and calm myself the fuck down ...
(feel free to strike meditation pose and chant OMMmmm)

so ... lets try this again .. more slowly... and i walked the whole circuit again, picking up some rather odd looks as i do ... this time i actually him

no tubes other than the i.v ... huge sigh of relief that's got to be a good sign right?
neck brace .. kinda worrying
moans of pain... bloody terrifying
seems conscious .. good sign

now fer some damned reason I'm kinda nervous about approaching the bed, not sure why, possibly i was scared of what id be told

after deep breath and bracing myself i get to his bedside .. and I'm not sure who breathed the loudest sigh of relief my latest victim or myself.. he looked damned glad to see me, i felt kinda awful that he'd been going through this on his own it must of been bloody scary as hell for him
 he doesn't do well under stress

holding his hand i get told he has a fractured spine
theres a phrase you don't want to hear
you get immediate flashes of wheel chairs and so forth flying through yer head.
(oddly enough no one mentioned concussion, from the way he sounded as he spoke both when id heard him on the phone and now I'm kinda surprised they didn't mention the possibilities of that)

his face was flickering between agony, and fear and bizarrely enough remorse .. poor sod was as worried about the truck and his job as he was about himself ... i didn't know whether to hug him and try to comfort him or slap the crap out of him and scream fuck the truck and the job its you were got to be concerned about

i reassured him the company knew
(they'd gotten back to me and i had been requested to keep them informed)
and that they had their side of things under control

as you know the rest of story is going to be hours of waiting wondering, paranoia and brief flashes of hope
finally a Dr appeared and gave us a little more info
the scan he'd had before i arrived had shown a compression fracture on the L1 vertebra
his vital signs were good and there appeared to be no other damage...

(huge ass sigh of relief and damn near collapsed with the weight of stress being removed)

they were assessing whether or not to operate ....
what ? huh? back the fuck up... w.t.f operate????
so much for relief
its that bad????

now im willing to conceed that i might of just had unussaly crap experiances with health care here but....

fuck operations here are only done in extreme cases int they? hell iv got tumors popping up like daisys and they wont opperate yet.. and they want to opperate on him?

so now iv got images of his vertebra being so badly fractured its likely to dissintegrate

"were going to admit him mean while"

whoa wait a minute this is America they don't admit they never admit
unless yer like one stage from deaths door... fuck they discharge you from the er here even if they've just had to ram yer innards back into your abdomen ...
hell only reason they kept last hubby admitted in i.c.u fer any length of time was because he developed a bloody infection that could kill him, other wise he'd of been out after a day or so.. heck prior to op he hadn't even been admitted, even though they told us the AAA was a ticking time bomb that could explode any time(the added caveat of .. oh and if it does you have three minuets to get him to the hospital wasn't too fucking reassuring either i can tell ya) 

now they are telling me they want to admit my latest victim shit its got to be bad right????

so now I'm back to being terrified .. course what i didn't realise at the time was him being on workmans comp meant a better standard of care.. i really wish id known that at the time cuz the prospect of him being admitted scared the crap out of me more than the prospect of a possible operation

so hes wheeled up to the neurology ward ,... that's one scary term .. neurology it has a kind of your screwed inflection to it

now i got to admit from here on in i kinda lose track of time and what days what but we were there from around mid day thanksgiving till mid day Sunday..

hes thirsty as hell but on nil by mouth in case they decide to operate...
hes fading in and out thanks to morphine
when hes awake hes in huge amounts of pain and still freaking about the god damned truck and his job ... seriously w.t.f

I'm keeping to myself that I'm not only freaking out about him his health his possible recovery and future mobility .. but I'm also trying to figure out how to get the car back, how the hell to pay the rent, and the rest of the bills .. cuz i know damned well that hell even if by some miracle jobs not lost he sure as hell wont be able to work for months

nurses drs and the neurology guy all drift in and out of the room taking vitals examining him and so forth and a plan is arrived at ... after a certain amount of observation and if they are happy with how hes doing they are swinging towards seeing if he can tolerate a back brace first, if he can then the plan is to let nature do its thing and allow the body to fix its self .. this will take longer but if it works will give a stronger more reliable mend than surgery would, and with less risk.
surgery's not off the table yet, but is looking a little less likely

now they let him drink and allow for the possibility of eating, until they make up their mind for definite .. its evening by now,
they remove the neck brace... pheeeeeeeeeew that thing scared the crap out of me merely by implication.
hes over joyed at prospect of eating .. fucking typical guy
lol though to be fair being that this all happened before sunup and he hadn't eaten since before work the day before i guess we cant blame him there

this is getting rather long again huh and iv got shit to do and a fella to tend to so i guess we will be moving to a part three

Monday, November 29, 2010

Thanks Giving part one

so this post is a fairly serious topic today but i shall endeavour to be as light hearted as possible under the circumstances ....

as some of ya might know my latest victims a truck driver
usually he drive's straight trucks or flat beds,
he can drive the more traditional tractor trailer types but generally has confidence problems so avoids them like the plague

this company though decided they wanted him on the big ass dump trucks. even after he explained how nervous he was with them
.. so ..
things were going really well
the company was supportive, understanding and patient.. they really did encourage him, and reassuring him that he was doing well

he's been working nights, me being nocturnal its been kinda handy fer me, though hell fer him
(though his last job was nights too so he was kinda acclimatized)

bout week ago he got phone call from a certain someone
 "ohh iv not heard from you in a while and was wanting to know if you had lost your job yet"
... am i alone in thinking WTF ...
way to go with encouragement
gee i wonder where my latest victims confidence problems come from lol

any way thankfully my latest victim didn't let this shake him
(not visibly at least)

and things continued going well at work

right up till early a.m thanks giving morning

long before sunrise i got a panicked phone call from a stranger telling me my latest victims truck had turned over and was currently residing in a ditch
the stranger had helped my fella out of the truck, and phoned for help
 the paramedics were now tending him but every one was unsure as of yet which hospital he was getting taken to

(many thanks to this stranger who stopped to help, i wish there was some way to repay them)

as you can imagine the cold ice hand of terror started grabbing at me

this (not) masked man did try passing the phone to my latest victim but as you can imagine the conversation was not too coherent nor reassuring ... between howls of pain he slurred that he was hurting but fine,
(fine??? w.t.f ?? so screaming mid word perfectly normal huh its along the lines of a nervous tic is it???? or perhaps sudden onset of touretts syndrome?? )

any way he went on to say the truck bed which had been locked down had decided to raise up mid transit... (i guess that's what happens when you mistake viagra fer hydraulic fluid)
and the truck had flipped after hitting cables

all he can remember is sparks ... but hes fine

(so by now im getting horrific flashes through my mind like this)
(or worse)

so were talking about ya narrowly missing being fucking electrocuted??? but yer fine though huh .. ohh sweet cool some one give me a fucking valium

after some more screams he tells me hes going to phone me when he gets to what ever hospital they decide to take him to, but hes fine so don't worry....
seeing that by this time he was slurring and kinda fading/rambling so bad I've got to say i wasn't that reassured

phone gets handed back to our noble hero stranger, who then asks if I'm ok .. aww wasn't that sweet of him ... of course my own personal feelings at the time were .. to hell with how I'm feeling how is my fella, really, does he look bad ..
(do i really want to know if he does look bad right now .. would it help to know?)


the company hes with has a no phones at work policy ... the passer by had phoned fer ambulance/paramedics what ever they bloody call them here... but no police had been called at that point.. truck has no qual com unit so guessing company didn't know

mental rush around the house to find number of company to inform them, not that i knew much but i could at least tell them there had been an accident go look fer yer truck.
really beyond listening to how supportive they were to him on switch to big trucks and listening to him recount the daily on the site accidents or breakdowns (involving others not him) i hadn't paid that much attention to company details .. like fer instance

fucking phone numbers .. or bloody boss's names... or even fucking location.. so now I'm kicking myself and tearing the place up looking fer a business card or wage slip or something anything. meanwhile waiting nervously for a phone call from him telling me where he is...

 finally i think to look at preprogrammed list of numbers in the phone .. well yea duhhh (i really wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box that night)... ohh lookie a number that hes listed as work ... duhhh .. of course though theres no damned answer there.. but i do spot a name on his list that i recognise from him talking about work ... lets hope they are still on the same shift ... there not ... ooops really sorry to call you before sun up but .....

there that jobs done.. fella said he'd pass the info on to the company for me, and he at least had the correct numbers.

I'm shaking like a leaf by now but still got crap to do so lets put of the nervous fucking break down fer now and try and push all these horrible images out of the mind

still no call from him .. what if hes passed out before he gets there, i know paramedics got his name so fuck it ill start phoning around the hospitals myself, i don't know the system over here i don't know if they will call me when he gets booked in ..

first hospital i call i get put on to hold... with those bloody automated messages "thank you for your patience" ... hmm is it only me or could they of thought that message through a bit better, being a hospital that could be taken the wrong way

third hospital i call I'm getting kinda frantic when they say nope no accident victims brought in tonight... so ... "could you tell me please though, when some one gets brought in... is it common policy in the states to phone the next of kin" ... answer from them "ohhh only if they are dead on arrival" ohhhhhhhhhhh well FUCK THANK YOU FOR THAT LITTLE PIECE OF HORRIFIC THOUGHT ... SHIT

next hospital called at least didn't scare crap out of me and actually had couple of suggestions of how i could find out where he was, even though police hadn't been informed when i spoke to him they had perhaps been informed by now so try phoning the highway patrol... or try fire brigade they might know.

hang up .. phone rings .. given prior information to i want to answer??? ... 
pheeeeewww its him my latest victim ..
(by this point I'm thinking... if he says I'm fine again I'm going to fucking strangle him cuz i know damn well hes not) .. poor sod sounds like hes in hell, but hes able to tell me where he is

now .. whilst i thoroughly enjoy being a hermit there is times where it is damned inconvenient .. i know no bugger that i can call to get me down there, his family is the other side of town but not the type to give me a lift to the hospital, or be very gracious about being called before sun up. 

taxi time ... "what do you mean 40 dollars .. 40 FUCKING DOLLARS err yea ill get right back to you on that" ... sod it Craig's list ride share .. 28dollars.. pheeeeew... yea i know cost shouldn't matter at a time like this, but in the trucking game an accident usually = lost job no matter who if any is to blame.. there will be bills to pay, food to buy, extra expenses because of accident... medication

America lends new horror to accidents as well .. not only do you have to worry about your loved ones you have to worry about keeping the roof over there head through recovery cuz theres no grantee that theres going to be any help.

so hes conscious .. this is America so probably will be a patch up and discharge ... though of course this may take 24 hours to accomplish...

flask of coffee.. check....
book for him to read to stop him worrying whilst waiting.. check
fuck food they probably wont let him eat any way and i seriously don't got it in me to make a pack lunch
enough tobacco for 5 thousand smokes check.. (that should tide me over till taxi gets here)
my pain killers.. check (last thing we need is me being admitted as well, and Dr's tend to panic if ya yelp and fold over clutching yer abdomen, I'm guessing wouldn't be too good fer my fella to see at this point either)
fuck it swallow a handful of "precautionary"pain pills to be on safe side

it would possibly be a good idea to lock the door on the way out huh duhhh
O.M.G wheres my key.. im a hermit i don't go out on my own .. when i do go out its with him and we use his key .. where the fuck is mine ... house is already torn up with draw contents sprawled every where from looking fer works number.... frantic search through the scattered debris... no key... dump out the few remaining draws that escaped previous search ... my house by now looks like a disaster zone, if any one walked in they'd think id been burgled.. fuck it ill sort it all out when i get home... ahhhhh finally the key

double check its the right one

randomly pick up crap and throw it in the bag cuz it might be handy at the hospital ...
pace wildly through the destruction ... where he hells the Craig's list guy ... did he understand my accent ok?(i had trouble with his accent) did he take down the correct address? could he of miss heard me?

phone rings i jump out of my skin
its the Craig's list guy, hes at the gates of the complex .. sag with relief
i swear it felt like an hour waiting for him to get from the gates to my door
he had some one with him in passenger seat ...
i quipped that despite Scots reputation he didn't have to bring some one along for protection we weren't really that dangerous, well not usually any way .. and only under certain conditions.

thanking them both profusely we head off to the hospital with me apologising for dragging them out of their beds ... the poor souls had to endure me babbling inanely and randomly as i fought back terror, tears and flash backs to when last hubby was in i.c.u with god knows what tubes coming out of every orifice and scary bleeping machines

........ to be continued

Friday, November 19, 2010

back to bipolar

"warning bipolar whine" if yer looking fer my usual wise cracks or humor they int here so
"run away, run away"

yep i know i usually dont do this but ...

one i promised myself i would be honest about bipolar
two only folk likely to read this particular post will be folk looking for bipolar info so in the interest of "sharing".....

ever had that feeling that every thing was thin... like everything around you is empty, shallow, banal and meaningless as though you're just observing life not participating.

not depressed just empty
not suicidal but thinking death might be an end to the tedium of existence should it happen to present itself as a possibility
(hopefully after having the opportunity to tidy up, because oddly enough you dont want folk to think you live like a pig)

im not stressed, hell dont even have money troubles, there is no family crisis, in fact things seem to be going well

remember the 5 year all clear? with the qualifier... if you do im sure you saw they called me when i was visiting the boys wanting follow up tests... well they all came back good to go as well, had the final follow up the other day, so not even health concerns with that lately (they did do another T whatever the fuck marker test thingy but i get the feeling that was a just fer the hell of it kinda thing)

maybe thats it maybe i thrive better during crisis, for once things seem secure, safe, stable... maybe im just not equipped to handle those circumstances .. maybe i need to "have to be strong for their sake" and with out that being needed i got nothing, no reason, no purpose or maybe im waiting fer the other shoe to drop,
hell maybe just the pain and tiredness getting to me (but thats not like me fer this length of time)

fucking odd dont you think

cant concentrate, need constant mental stimulation, but cant settle on shit.. i just want life to go the fuck away and leave me the hell alone

then of course i feel guilty for not "enjoying" life and appreciating how "well" things are going

any way .. if ya can relate to that and you think you're alone ... you're not

now back to our usual programing

Saturday, October 30, 2010

happy all hallows eve


being this special time of year thought id better shift my ass into gear

and instead of finishing off drafts that i have in the works
(am i the only one that does that starts them off then never gets around to finishing and posting? )
i thought id give you a suitably "macabre" posting

i just had to share two tunes that no Halloween is complete with out hearing
and of course me being me a couple of poems i wrote years ago
(hope you enjoy)





As nights dark veil draws across the land
Your life’s timer runs out of rushing sand
All that crawl, or creep, or fly
Are aiming for your soul, as night goes bye

Night’s dark creatures that feast on fear
Preying on terror and a child's tear
Arise the dead and all celebrate
Devour the living till your hunger does abate

Flaccid, festering, flesh hangs incomplete
As decayed, animated corpses shuffle on rotting feet
Their foul putrid stench fills your lungs full
Tonight is the night for the dead to rule

As they seek to find you their prey
Will you make it to another day?
Hide with your covers tight over your head
If you think that will stop the advance of the dead

If they don’t succeed in feasting on your soul
Other night’s creatures might eat you whole
As hell erupts for this night alone
Are you safe hiding in your home?



Come forth terror
Come forth fear
Come forth anarchy
Its that time of year

Bring death
Bring fetid breath
Bring pestilence and poison
Bring unrest”

Vampires, ghosts, ghouls, complete
Werewolf’s, zombies, hells hounds to meet
Witches warlocks secure to walk the land
Marching with the will of the devils hand

All screaming and searching for your soul alone
Do you really think they wont visit your home?
They hunger for your company
To tear you between them to have you for tea


Come forth terror
Come forth fear
Come forth anarchy
Its that time of year

you know i never could decide if those two were actually just one poem or not... they seem to be able to be read both separately and as a continuation


as some of you know i have been.. kinda sorta when ever i get around to it working on this painting in a half arsed non productive manner...
(sorry for the poor lighting)
any way shes propped in my living room awaiting her finishing touches...
(hmm that sounds vaguely pornographic huh)
as any thats been following know she will be as per designed holding a rose


i dont know if its the time of year or if i have some deep seated issue that needs worked through... but every time i pass the damn thing and catch her out of the corner of my eye i keep imagining this

perhaps its a threat for if i dont finish her soon ;-)
got to say that the creepiest thing is .. i actually kinda like the idea

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

so whats i been doing instead of blogging?

err i guess there would be no great surprise in telling you iv been up to my ears in paint

iv written some poetry too

and i got back into designing board games
mainly because ... well ... i was bored and it seemed appropriate way to kill time
(yes awful pun i know)
 perhaps ill post a pic of that later

ohh and did i ever mention i was designing a dragon

a fully articulated one using a program called blender
(wire frame environment)

yes hes a little basic for now but hes still a baby
as time goes on and i learn more about the program he will get a little more detailed
(forgive the awkward pose for now poetic poses will come later this is simply the easiest pose to design him around)

iv used blender briefly in the past to very basically and crudely alter objects.
and the computer nearly melted at the effort of doing just that

but this is my first try at creating from scratch and certainly my first go at adding the ability to pose

most folk learn using a ginger bread man

(a screen shot of said ginger bread man posted by some one on yahoo)

but i figured sod it if im going to learn ill do it with something that will hold my interest

now im not designing him with a view to animation, i want him as a model for painting or for use in comp gen art.

and yes im aware the frame is a mess but.. i tried smoothing it out and didnt like it .. i prefer the craggy look

now .. experienced users of the program would of gotten this far in their design in less than an hour
but so far its taken me forever
im not going to tell you how many days it took me to get this far because you would laugh

but ohh well im a newbie ill get better as i go on
for now though
we need to give him a name
(answers on a self addressed postcard to blog answers.com ;-)
and yes hes seeing an orthodontist today
i was busy adding the teeth last time i was working on him
not yet finished shaping them and positioning them

all of which as im sure you can easily conclude means ... yep im still getting hit by a fair few mini manic phases

and damned useful they are too

i have some good news to share too but that my dears is another post ;-)

Friday, September 24, 2010

why redirected?

figured my main blog was was getting a little "cluttered" so decided to start "chopping" it up into little bits dealing with the separate issues... that way you guys can "follow" only the bits your interested in
my "main blog"
dedicated to bipolar... and my life in general
 (and currently is where most my followers are)

my "poetry blog"

http://wid0wsweb.blogspot.com/ just what it says on the label ;-)
or my

"arts and crafts blog"

http://mitch-arts.blogspot.com/  dealing with ... surprise surprise arts crafts and anything in my life dealing with such matters