Thanks Giving part one

so this post is a fairly serious topic today but i shall endeavour to be as light hearted as possible under the circumstances ....

as some of ya might know my latest victims a truck driver

usually he drive's straight trucks or flat beds,

he can drive the more traditional tractor trailer types but generally has confidence problems so avoids them like the plague

this company though decided they wanted him on the big ass dump trucks. even after he explained how nervous he was with them
.. so ..
things were going really well

the company was supportive, understanding and patient.. they really did encourage him, and reassuring him that he was doing well

he's been working nights, me being nocturnal its been kinda handy fer me, though hell fer him

(though his last job was nights too so he was kinda acclimatized)

bout week ago he got phone call from a certain someone

 "ohh iv not heard from you in a while and was wanting to know if you had lost your job yet"

... am i alone in thinking WTF ...

O.M.G

DAMN

way to go with encouragement

gee i wonder where my latest victims confidence problems come from lol

any way thankfully my latest victim didn't let this shake him

(not visibly at least)

and things continued going well at work

right up till early a.m thanks giving morning

long before sunrise i got a panicked phone call from a stranger telling me my latest victims truck had turned over and was currently residing in a ditch
the stranger had helped my fella out of the truck, and phoned for help
 the paramedics were now tending him but every one was unsure as of yet which hospital he was getting taken to

(many thanks to this stranger who stopped to help, i wish there was some way to repay them)

as you can imagine the cold ice hand of terror started grabbing at me

this (not) masked man did try passing the phone to my latest victim but as you can imagine the conversation was not too coherent nor reassuring ... between howls of pain he slurred that he was hurting but fine,

(fine??? w.t.f ?? so screaming mid word perfectly normal huh its along the lines of a nervous tic is it???? or perhaps sudden onset of touretts syndrome?? )

any way he went on to say the truck bed which had been locked down had decided to raise up mid transit... (i guess that's what happens when you mistake viagra fer hydraulic fluid)

and the truck had flipped after hitting cables

all he can remember is sparks ... but hes fine

(so by now im getting horrific flashes through my mind like this)

(or worse)

BACK THE FUCK UP ... CABLES ???? SPARKS????

so were talking about ya narrowly missing being fucking electrocuted??? but yer fine though huh .. ohh sweet cool some one give me a fucking valium

after some more screams he tells me hes going to phone me when he gets to what ever hospital they decide to take him to, but hes fine so don't worry....
but
seeing that by this time he was slurring and kinda fading/rambling so bad I've got to say i wasn't that reassured

phone gets handed back to our noble hero stranger, who then asks if I'm ok .. aww wasn't that sweet of him ... of course my own personal feelings at the time were .. to hell with how I'm feeling how is my fella, really, does he look bad ..

(do i really want to know if he does look bad right now .. would it help to know?)

 

the company hes with has a no phones at work policy ... the passer by had phoned fer ambulance/paramedics what ever they bloody call them here... but no police had been called at that point.. truck has no qual com unit so guessing company didn't know

mental rush around the house to find number of company to inform them, not that i knew much but i could at least tell them there had been an accident go look fer yer truck.

really beyond listening to how supportive they were to him on switch to big trucks and listening to him recount the daily on the site accidents or breakdowns (involving others not him) i hadn't paid that much attention to company details .. like fer instance

fucking phone numbers .. or bloody boss's names... or even fucking location.. so now I'm kicking myself and tearing the place up looking fer a business card or wage slip or something anything. meanwhile waiting nervously for a phone call from him telling me where he is...

 finally i think to look at preprogrammed list of numbers in the phone .. well yea duhhh (i really wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box that night)... ohh lookie a number that hes listed as work ... duhhh .. of course though theres no damned answer there.. but i do spot a name on his list that i recognise from him talking about work ... lets hope they are still on the same shift ... there not ... ooops really sorry to call you before sun up but .....

there that jobs done.. fella said he'd pass the info on to the company for me, and he at least had the correct numbers.

I'm shaking like a leaf by now but still got crap to do so lets put of the nervous fucking break down fer now and try and push all these horrible images out of the mind

 

still no call from him .. what if hes passed out before he gets there, i know paramedics got his name so fuck it ill start phoning around the hospitals myself, i don't know the system over here i don't know if they will call me when he gets booked in ..

first hospital i call i get put on to hold... with those bloody automated messages "thank you for your patience" ... hmm is it only me or could they of thought that message through a bit better, being a hospital that could be taken the wrong way

third hospital i call I'm getting kinda frantic when they say nope no accident victims brought in tonight... so ... "could you tell me please though, when some one gets brought in... is it common policy in the states to phone the next of kin" ... answer from them "ohhh only if they are dead on arrival" ohhhhhhhhhhh well FUCK THANK YOU FOR THAT LITTLE PIECE OF HORRIFIC THOUGHT ... SHIT

next hospital called at least didn't scare crap out of me and actually had couple of suggestions of how i could find out where he was, even though police hadn't been informed when i spoke to him they had perhaps been informed by now so try phoning the highway patrol... or try fire brigade they might know.

 

hang up .. phone rings .. given prior information to i want to answer??? ... 

pheeeeewww its him my latest victim ..

(by this point I'm thinking... if he says I'm fine again I'm going to fucking strangle him cuz i know damn well hes not) .. poor sod sounds like hes in hell, but hes able to tell me where he is

now .. whilst i thoroughly enjoy being a hermit there is times where it is damned inconvenient .. i know no bugger that i can call to get me down there, his family is the other side of town but not the type to give me a lift to the hospital, or be very gracious about being called before sun up. 

taxi time ... "what do you mean 40 dollars .. 40 FUCKING DOLLARS err yea ill get right back to you on that" ... sod it Craig's list ride share .. 28dollars.. pheeeeew... yea i know cost shouldn't matter at a time like this, but in the trucking game an accident usually = lost job no matter who if any is to blame.. there will be bills to pay, food to buy, extra expenses because of accident... medication

America lends new horror to accidents as well .. not only do you have to worry about your loved ones you have to worry about keeping the roof over there head through recovery cuz theres no grantee that theres going to be any help.

so hes conscious .. this is America so probably will be a patch up and discharge ... though of course this may take 24 hours to accomplish...

flask of coffee.. check....

book for him to read to stop him worrying whilst waiting.. check

fuck food they probably wont let him eat any way and i seriously don't got it in me to make a pack lunch

enough tobacco for 5 thousand smokes check.. (that should tide me over till taxi gets here)

my pain killers.. check (last thing we need is me being admitted as well, and Dr's tend to panic if ya yelp and fold over clutching yer abdomen, I'm guessing wouldn't be too good fer my fella to see at this point either)

fuck it swallow a handful of "precautionary"pain pills to be on safe side

it would possibly be a good idea to lock the door on the way out huh duhhh

O.M.G wheres my key.. im a hermit i don't go out on my own .. when i do go out its with him and we use his key .. where the fuck is mine ... house is already torn up with draw contents sprawled every where from looking fer works number.... frantic search through the scattered debris... no key... dump out the few remaining draws that escaped previous search ... my house by now looks like a disaster zone, if any one walked in they'd think id been burgled.. fuck it ill sort it all out when i get home... ahhhhh finally the key

double check its the right one

randomly pick up crap and throw it in the bag cuz it might be handy at the hospital ...

pace wildly through the destruction ... where he hells the Craig's list guy ... did he understand my accent ok?(i had trouble with his accent) did he take down the correct address? could he of miss heard me?

 

phone rings i jump out of my skin

its the Craig's list guy, hes at the gates of the complex .. sag with relief

i swear it felt like an hour waiting for him to get from the gates to my door

he had some one with him in passenger seat ...

i quipped that despite Scots reputation he didn't have to bring some one along for protection we weren't really that dangerous, well not usually any way .. and only under certain conditions.

 

thanking them both profusely we head off to the hospital with me apologising for dragging them out of their beds ... the poor souls had to endure me babbling inanely and randomly as i fought back terror, tears and flash backs to when last hubby was in i.c.u with god knows what tubes coming out of every orifice and scary bleeping machines

........ to be continued

back to bipolar

"warning bipolar whine" if yer looking fer my usual wise cracks or humor they int here so

"run away, run away"

yep i know i usually dont do this but ...

one i promised myself i would be honest about bipolar

two only folk likely to read this particular post will be folk looking for bipolar info so in the interest of "sharing".....

ever had that feeling that every thing was thin... like everything around you is empty, shallow, banal and meaningless as though you're just observing life not participating.

not depressed just empty

unconnected

not suicidal but thinking death might be an end to the tedium of existence should it happen to present itself as a possibility

(hopefully after having the opportunity to tidy up, because oddly enough you dont want folk to think you live like a pig)

im not stressed, hell dont even have money troubles, there is no family crisis, in fact things seem to be going well

remember the 5 year all clear? with the qualifier... if you do im sure you saw they called me when i was visiting the boys wanting follow up tests... well they all came back good to go as well, had the final follow up the other day, so not even health concerns with that lately (they did do another T whatever the fuck marker test thingy but i get the feeling that was a just fer the hell of it kinda thing)

maybe thats it maybe i thrive better during crisis, for once things seem secure, safe, stable... maybe im just not equipped to handle those circumstances .. maybe i need to "have to be strong for their sake" and with out that being needed i got nothing, no reason, no purpose or maybe im waiting fer the other shoe to drop,

hell maybe just the pain and tiredness getting to me (but thats not like me fer this length of time)

fucking odd dont you think

cant concentrate, need constant mental stimulation, but cant settle on shit.. i just want life to go the fuck away and leave me the hell alone

then of course i feel guilty for not "enjoying" life and appreciating how "well" things are going

any way .. if ya can relate to that and you think you're alone ... you're not

now back to our usual programing

happy all hallows eve

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being this special time of year thought id better shift my ass into gear

and instead of finishing off drafts that i have in the works
(am i the only one that does that starts them off then never gets around to finishing and posting? )
i thought id give you a suitably "macabre" posting

i just had to share two tunes that no Halloween is complete with out hearing
and of course me being me a couple of poems i wrote years ago
(hope you enjoy)

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ALL HALLOWS EVE

As nights dark veil draws across the land
Your life’s timer runs out of rushing sand
All that crawl, or creep, or fly
Are aiming for your soul, as night goes bye

Night’s dark creatures that feast on fear
Preying on terror and a child's tear
Arise the dead and all celebrate
Devour the living till your hunger does abate

Flaccid, festering, flesh hangs incomplete
As decayed, animated corpses shuffle on rotting feet
Their foul putrid stench fills your lungs full
Tonight is the night for the dead to rule

As they seek to find you their prey
Will you make it to another day?
Hide with your covers tight over your head
If you think that will stop the advance of the dead

If they don’t succeed in feasting on your soul
Other night’s creatures might eat you whole
As hell erupts for this night alone
Are you safe hiding in your home?

###########################################

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Come forth terror

Come forth fear
Come forth anarchy

Its that time of year

Bring death
Bring fetid breath

Bring pestilence and poison

Bring unrest”

Vampires, ghosts, ghouls, complete

Werewolf’s, zombies, hells hounds to meet

Witches warlocks secure to walk the land

Marching with the will of the devils hand

All screaming and searching for your soul alone

Do you really think they wont visit your home?

They hunger for your company

To tear you between them to have you for tea

so

Come forth terror

Come forth fear

Come forth anarchy

Its that time of year

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you know i never could decide if those two were actually just one poem or not... they seem to be able to be read both separately and as a continuation

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as some of you know i have been.. kinda sorta when ever i get around to it working on this painting in a half arsed non productive manner...

(sorry for the poor lighting)

any way shes propped in my living room awaiting her finishing touches...

(hmm that sounds vaguely pornographic huh)

as any thats been following know she will be as per designed holding a rose

but

i dont know if its the time of year or if i have some deep seated issue that needs worked through... but every time i pass the damn thing and catch her out of the corner of my eye i keep imagining this

perhaps its a threat for if i dont finish her soon ;-)
got to say that the creepiest thing is .. i actually kinda like the idea

so whats i been doing instead of blogging?

err i guess there would be no great surprise in telling you iv been up to my ears in paint

 for latest updates on my art click here

iv written some poetry too

to see that click here

and i got back into designing board games

mainly because ... well ... i was bored and it seemed appropriate way to kill time

(yes awful pun i know)

 perhaps ill post a pic of that later

ohh and did i ever mention i was designing a dragon

a fully articulated one using a program called blender

(wire frame environment)

yes hes a little basic for now but hes still a baby

as time goes on and i learn more about the program he will get a little more detailed

(forgive the awkward pose for now poetic poses will come later this is simply the easiest pose to design him around)

iv used blender briefly in the past to very basically and crudely alter objects.

and the computer nearly melted at the effort of doing just that

but this is my first try at creating from scratch and certainly my first go at adding the ability to pose

most folk learn using a ginger bread man

...

(a screen shot of said ginger bread man posted by some one on yahoo)

but i figured sod it if im going to learn ill do it with something that will hold my interest

now im not designing him with a view to animation, i want him as a model for painting or for use in comp gen art.

and yes im aware the frame is a mess but.. i tried smoothing it out and didnt like it .. i prefer the craggy look

now .. experienced users of the program would of gotten this far in their design in less than an hour

but so far its taken me forever

im not going to tell you how many days it took me to get this far because you would laugh

but ohh well im a newbie ill get better as i go on

for now though

we need to give him a name

(answers on a self addressed postcard to blog answers.com ;-)

and yes hes seeing an orthodontist today

i was busy adding the teeth last time i was working on him

not yet finished shaping them and positioning them

all of which as im sure you can easily conclude means ... yep im still getting hit by a fair few mini manic phases

and damned useful they are too

i have some good news to share too but that my dears is another post ;-)

why redirected?

so........
figured my main blog was was getting a little "cluttered" so decided to start "chopping" it up into little bits dealing with the separate issues... that way you guys can "follow" only the bits your interested in

my "main blog"
 http://exper-e-mental.blogspot.com/
dedicated to bipolar... and my life in general
 (and currently is where most my followers are)

my "poetry blog"

http://wid0wsweb.blogspot.com/ just what it says on the label ;-)

or my


"arts and crafts blog"

http://mitch-arts.blogspot.com/  dealing with ... surprise surprise arts crafts and anything in my life dealing with such matters

so back to bipolar

its been a rather interesting week of messed up sleep a roller coaster of highs and lows and manic flurrys of periodic activity... all of which resulted in me not really blogging .. well beyond the art updates any way .. and the occasional poem .. but im not sure they count do they???

not sure whether to refer to this week as rapid cycle or rabid cycle

so what set this all off ?

hmm well .. bipolar does not actually need a reason but.........

actually the art may of set off the coaster, it frequently does .. or is it just a case that art is the first symptom .. who the hell knows

the fact he lost his job a little over a month ago may of set the ball rolling ... but really cant say iv been feeling to stressed about things so far... he was fairly quick on the ball to apply for unemployment as a "just in case measure" and bizarrely enough living standards actually went up a notch or two.

 (due in part to thankfully paid off his family for the "help" from the last bout of unemployment)

did tell him if he asked for "help" again hes on his own im out of here...

actions have consequences... plan or deal with the consequences... if that means homelessness tough

(that is not to say im out of here if trouble hits.. merely deal with it together with out outside assistance {unemployment doesnt count as outside assistance because he pays into the system for that, so that is foresight})

yes some times shit happens that is beyond our control, or beyond foreseeable in which case he may ask my boys for help (depending on the circumstances) and hope to hell they are in a position to "put us up" at their place should it come to that.. (but id much rather just go camp out somewhere. iv started from scratch before and can do so again, possession's apart from a few sentimental memorabilia are just unimportant trappings that can be regained over time)

call me old fashioned but "help" is a voluntary matter and should not come with an expectation of the ability to command a person what to wear, what not to wear, how to talk, think, what to like, what xmas gifts you should be considering, what you deem important in your partner, how frequently you can see your own family, what brand of things to buy (regardless of the fact you know a cheaper or more appropriate option),  nor should it be an excuse to demean, talk down to, or insult in any fashion you choose...

my boys thankfully are not like that

but

there are way to many people nowadays that only seem to want to help people out as a means of making them self feel superior, a way of putting folk down and or lording over and controlling them. much safer not to run that gauntlet, yes a debt of gratitude is afforded for help, but its not an excuse for all of the above

any way i digress...

other possible reasons for the rabid cycle....

well actually returning from my trip to the boys could of been a trigger too... parting is not a sweet sorrow its a gut wrenching hell

hmm sleep.... symptom or trigger do you think ... could be either or both really

on the bright side i did get fairly far on my paintings, on the bad side iv been really crap at "helping" my latest victim...

you see we had a deal when we got together ..

there was aspects about ourselves that we really didnt like and we both wanted to "improve", to eradicate the traits we didnt like.. not in each other you understand but in our self... i wanted to work on my "hermiting", assertion (seemed like good idea given previous relationships) and motivation ... hahaha lmbo .. i really did well with that huh

 not ... (and yes i plan to work on other stuff later)

and my latest victim? holy shit he came out with a whole goddamned list of shit he wanted to change... and i thought i was manic from time to time,his list was mania central,

i cant even write out the list in here its so damned long.

i think he basically wanted to reinvent himself from the ground up, suggestions of possibly starting with one or two aspects were not met with any enthusiasm i guess hes a kinda all or nothing kinda fella

any way the plan was to gently encourage, use positive reinforcement, point out to each other when we were back sliding, and hell if the occasion demanded it nag, bitch, and use every trick in the goddamned book to help each other on our paths. (this according to some apparently makes me an evil bitch... not sure why. i always thought partners should help each other achieve their goals but oh well each to their own)

so several years down the road...

my latest victim has

improved his self image.

improved his appearance (most of the time)

has become more responsible

more determined and motivated

used more forsite

is better at handling money

has a vastly improved empathy

overcame the bigotry he was raised with

shit the list goes on and on pretty much everything on his list hes been steadily improving over the years

my great achievement

errrr

ummm

ahhhh

well im more apt to talk to strangers now does that count?

and i let him drag me out the house at least once every two weeks for shopping

well in my defence i do occasional suggest a trip out ... ok its once in a blue moon but its something isnt it?....

ok iv done shit on my list... happy now?

can i just put his improvements and my failures down to me being a better nagger than him????

what do you mean no???

any way todays blog is in the main to make up for my lack in this matter lately ...

through the art my heads been rammed up my own backside...

or rather the paintings backside would be more to the point.

and iv not been ..

handling or supervising the money as i promised

(possibly just as well with the manias) although i got to say hes been doing just fine and not really blown anything on crap.. (i cant say the same he took me shopping whilst manic haha shit bad bad wid0w.. so 30 quid of assorted icecream, cookies, cakes and so forth later he finally put his foot down lol, ohh i got him a suit too but it was a very cheap one and he needs one every fella should have a suit... can i claim that as assistance to his improving his appearance???oh and i use a lame excuse that if im pushing to socialise i need a decent new dress)

every thing hes done lately iv pretty much just looked up from the canvas and said ohh thank you honey well done much appreciated etc

im supposed to tell him if i think he gave it his all or can do better but iv not really been giving that any thought.

he was ironing his outfit for an interview the other day i did say i was impressed but thats about as far as iv gone encouraging him or fulfilling my side of the bargain, so i feel kinda bad

so id like to make a point of saying ... well done your doing great ... keep up the good work ... you really dont seem to be suffering of late with my lack of encouragement, nagging and so forth.... you seem to be applying yourself well, you seem motivated, your appearance (beyond the need to shave more) fits the occasions demands,  ohh and you seem to of gotten to grips with budgeting... in fact id call our pact off now cuz it would appear that you can take it from here on your own .... but im so crap at working on my shit i still need the pact ;-) or a stick of dynamite which ever is most likly to get me out and about more

siiiigh another failure from me.. or is that just the down side of me talking?

any way his efforts of "self improvment" are inspirational even if they dont seem to be inspireing me to get to grips with my list very much