Tuesday, September 21, 2010

so back to bipolar

its been a rather interesting week of messed up sleep a roller coaster of highs and lows and manic flurrys of periodic activity... all of which resulted in me not really blogging .. well beyond the art updates any way .. and the occasional poem .. but im not sure they count do they???

not sure whether to refer to this week as rapid cycle or rabid cycle

so what set this all off ?

hmm well .. bipolar does not actually need a reason but.........

actually the art may of set off the coaster, it frequently does .. or is it just a case that art is the first symptom .. who the hell knows

the fact he lost his job a little over a month ago may of set the ball rolling ... but really cant say iv been feeling to stressed about things so far... he was fairly quick on the ball to apply for unemployment as a "just in case measure" and bizarrely enough living standards actually went up a notch or two.

 (due in part to thankfully paid off his family for the "help" from the last bout of unemployment)

did tell him if he asked for "help" again hes on his own im out of here...
actions have consequences... plan or deal with the consequences... if that means homelessness tough

(that is not to say im out of here if trouble hits.. merely deal with it together with out outside assistance {unemployment doesnt count as outside assistance because he pays into the system for that, so that is foresight})

yes some times shit happens that is beyond our control, or beyond foreseeable in which case he may ask my boys for help (depending on the circumstances) and hope to hell they are in a position to "put us up" at their place should it come to that.. (but id much rather just go camp out somewhere. iv started from scratch before and can do so again, possession's apart from a few sentimental memorabilia are just unimportant trappings that can be regained over time)

call me old fashioned but "help" is a voluntary matter and should not come with an expectation of the ability to command a person what to wear, what not to wear, how to talk, think, what to like, what xmas gifts you should be considering, what you deem important in your partner, how frequently you can see your own family, what brand of things to buy (regardless of the fact you know a cheaper or more appropriate option),  nor should it be an excuse to demean, talk down to, or insult in any fashion you choose...
my boys thankfully are not like that
there are way to many people nowadays that only seem to want to help people out as a means of making them self feel superior, a way of putting folk down and or lording over and controlling them. much safer not to run that gauntlet, yes a debt of gratitude is afforded for help, but its not an excuse for all of the above

any way i digress...

other possible reasons for the rabid cycle....

well actually returning from my trip to the boys could of been a trigger too... parting is not a sweet sorrow its a gut wrenching hell

hmm sleep.... symptom or trigger do you think ... could be either or both really

on the bright side i did get fairly far on my paintings, on the bad side iv been really crap at "helping" my latest victim...

you see we had a deal when we got together ..
there was aspects about ourselves that we really didnt like and we both wanted to "improve", to eradicate the traits we didnt like.. not in each other you understand but in our self... i wanted to work on my "hermiting", assertion (seemed like good idea given previous relationships) and motivation ... hahaha lmbo .. i really did well with that huh
 not ... (and yes i plan to work on other stuff later)

and my latest victim? holy shit he came out with a whole goddamned list of shit he wanted to change... and i thought i was manic from time to time,his list was mania central,
i cant even write out the list in here its so damned long.
i think he basically wanted to reinvent himself from the ground up, suggestions of possibly starting with one or two aspects were not met with any enthusiasm i guess hes a kinda all or nothing kinda fella

any way the plan was to gently encourage, use positive reinforcement, point out to each other when we were back sliding, and hell if the occasion demanded it nag, bitch, and use every trick in the goddamned book to help each other on our paths. (this according to some apparently makes me an evil bitch... not sure why. i always thought partners should help each other achieve their goals but oh well each to their own)

so several years down the road...

my latest victim has
improved his self image.
improved his appearance (most of the time)
has become more responsible
more determined and motivated
used more forsite
is better at handling money
has a vastly improved empathy
overcame the bigotry he was raised with
shit the list goes on and on pretty much everything on his list hes been steadily improving over the years

my great achievement
well im more apt to talk to strangers now does that count?
and i let him drag me out the house at least once every two weeks for shopping
well in my defence i do occasional suggest a trip out ... ok its once in a blue moon but its something isnt it?....

ok iv done shit on my list... happy now?

can i just put his improvements and my failures down to me being a better nagger than him????

what do you mean no???

any way todays blog is in the main to make up for my lack in this matter lately ...
through the art my heads been rammed up my own backside...
or rather the paintings backside would be more to the point.

and iv not been ..

handling or supervising the money as i promised
(possibly just as well with the manias) although i got to say hes been doing just fine and not really blown anything on crap.. (i cant say the same he took me shopping whilst manic haha shit bad bad wid0w.. so 30 quid of assorted icecream, cookies, cakes and so forth later he finally put his foot down lol, ohh i got him a suit too but it was a very cheap one and he needs one every fella should have a suit... can i claim that as assistance to his improving his appearance???oh and i use a lame excuse that if im pushing to socialise i need a decent new dress)

every thing hes done lately iv pretty much just looked up from the canvas and said ohh thank you honey well done much appreciated etc
im supposed to tell him if i think he gave it his all or can do better but iv not really been giving that any thought.

he was ironing his outfit for an interview the other day i did say i was impressed but thats about as far as iv gone encouraging him or fulfilling my side of the bargain, so i feel kinda bad

so id like to make a point of saying ... well done your doing great ... keep up the good work ... you really dont seem to be suffering of late with my lack of encouragement, nagging and so forth.... you seem to be applying yourself well, you seem motivated, your appearance (beyond the need to shave more) fits the occasions demands,  ohh and you seem to of gotten to grips with budgeting... in fact id call our pact off now cuz it would appear that you can take it from here on your own .... but im so crap at working on my shit i still need the pact ;-) or a stick of dynamite which ever is most likly to get me out and about more

siiiigh another failure from me.. or is that just the down side of me talking?

any way his efforts of "self improvment" are inspirational even if they dont seem to be inspireing me to get to grips with my list very much


  1. well I think coming to terms with what you may or may not be doing is a step. Now that you have told youself the business you gotta handle it. Easier said then done yes but you've made a step so far so try and continue that and hey tell your victim to nag a little more and help out with whatever he can.


  2. I thought I read "rabbit" cycle. o_O"

    -Barb the French Bean

  3. thank you for your thoughts on the matter shaq, lol hmm wonder how often a partner gets asked to nag more ;-) will b sure to ask him though ;-)

    lol beans ok now i have the scene from monty python search for the holy grail going through my mind .. the one where they are attacked by the rabbit ;-)

  4. Wid0w, always love a bit of manic writting, hope you are back to "normal" soon. I thought the art was a sign.

    My triggers are most definitely lack of sleep which becomes a cycle, I have a few bad nights sleep and get a bit manic so I can't sleep and get more manic etc etc. Stress in short bursts I can deal with, long term it triggers the sleep issues. I had my drink spiked in a bar once and that sent me very manic. The one I can't work out is exercise, sympton or cause. If I start exercising I get manic and then over exercise but I don't know if the mania is the reason I start exercising.

    It has taken me a very long time to start down my list of things I need to achieve, still battling through the budgetting one.

    Keep trying with your list though, you'll get there.

  5. how odd for you to mention that. i used to tend to get over obsessive with exercise as well
    i used to put that more down to my personality than the bipolar though, as my phases didnt seem to affect the over obsessiveness of exercise

    good luck with your goals ;-) im not to bad on budget until i get manic ;-)