Friday, November 19, 2010

back to bipolar

"warning bipolar whine" if yer looking fer my usual wise cracks or humor they int here so
"run away, run away"

yep i know i usually dont do this but ...

one i promised myself i would be honest about bipolar
two only folk likely to read this particular post will be folk looking for bipolar info so in the interest of "sharing".....

ever had that feeling that every thing was thin... like everything around you is empty, shallow, banal and meaningless as though you're just observing life not participating.

not depressed just empty
not suicidal but thinking death might be an end to the tedium of existence should it happen to present itself as a possibility
(hopefully after having the opportunity to tidy up, because oddly enough you dont want folk to think you live like a pig)

im not stressed, hell dont even have money troubles, there is no family crisis, in fact things seem to be going well

remember the 5 year all clear? with the qualifier... if you do im sure you saw they called me when i was visiting the boys wanting follow up tests... well they all came back good to go as well, had the final follow up the other day, so not even health concerns with that lately (they did do another T whatever the fuck marker test thingy but i get the feeling that was a just fer the hell of it kinda thing)

maybe thats it maybe i thrive better during crisis, for once things seem secure, safe, stable... maybe im just not equipped to handle those circumstances .. maybe i need to "have to be strong for their sake" and with out that being needed i got nothing, no reason, no purpose or maybe im waiting fer the other shoe to drop,
hell maybe just the pain and tiredness getting to me (but thats not like me fer this length of time)

fucking odd dont you think

cant concentrate, need constant mental stimulation, but cant settle on shit.. i just want life to go the fuck away and leave me the hell alone

then of course i feel guilty for not "enjoying" life and appreciating how "well" things are going

any way .. if ya can relate to that and you think you're alone ... you're not

now back to our usual programing


  1. nice

  2. Honey, you don't have to be bipolar to relate to that!

  3. ty meredith

    wilde.. yea im feeling kinda guilty now about this post and the way i felt whilst posting.. cant help but feel like i jinxed things, shit i was stupid not to just enjoy the smooth run, cuz now way things are damn