do we dare to dream?

so ...

time i think for another bi polar post

(not a rant i hasten to add)

bipolar and its effects on art

the first and most direct effect of bipolar on art is i think we can all agree is

medication

this is a topic that comes up fairly frequently and is one that has most artists/creative types at logger heads

with their Dr's/Psychiatrist

most artists will tell you that they feel the medication will hamper the creative process and significantly impair if not  kill inspiration,

in general they reach this conclusion through observing other artists both on and off meds and their resulting pieces,

by talking to other artists and asking how they feel it effects their art

and of course through personal experience

most psychiatrists will tell you that they do not think medication harms the production of art in any way

many going even further and laying claim to it improving the process

they come to this conclusion by ... well most of them don't say

some of them cite working with many other artists and claim they continue to paint successfully

i think some of this disparity of view comes from the difference between technical proficiency and inspiration
(most psychiatrists don't seem to know there is a difference)

whilst meds
(so long as they are not to zombie extent) 
do not actually impair the technical ability to paint a proficient piece
(what i call the pretty paintings)

there is in our eyes a huge difference between
a pretty well executed painting
and
a painting filled with inspiration
one that has the ability to speak to you ,
not in a psychotic way of commanding you to burn burn burn, but in the manner of being able to evoke a strong emotional reaction with in the viewer

another less explored effect bipolar has on art and one that i think affects me the most

comes from the training
to guard against mood swings

from a very early point in diagnosis we are taught manic highs bad, (lots of fun but very very bad)

euphoria = danger

delusions of grandeur = the evil of all evils
(allow your self to succumb to it and chances are you'll be deciding to fly off the nearest tall building, because hey you can do anything )

along with struggling to keep the lows in tight reign we are also taught that its imperative to keep just as tight reign (if not tighter) on the highs

after all lose control of a low and you might end up dead

lose control of a high however and the results can be far more wide ranging and dire,
destroying the lives of those you care about,
landing you in jail,
life savings blown,
homelessness
and so on

were taught that one of the warning signs of an approaching high is over confidence,
the belief that we have the ability,
skill set to do things which we are not in actual fact capable of doing.
it is emphasised time and time again,
drummed into us that we must on no account give in to this.
in effect we are
taught,
trained,
and
berated
into continually questioning our own abilities and if they are merely a perceived delusion or an actual ability  

which for a lot of things is a fairly good tactic

carpentry for instance
can be quickly decided between delusion or ability
by the amount of blood resulting in constructing a piece of furniture,
if it stands to the test of time,
and if the resulting furniture is safe
(sharp exposed nail and chances are your within the realms of delusion rather than ability)

where as flying

can be fairly easily written off as a delusion

art however is subjective,
success does not necessarily come with talent,
(in large most success is achieved through p.r or knowing the right folk)

many with out talent can be highly successful
if they move in the right circles

and many with huge amounts of talent never manage to achieve success in their own life time

so how do you actually distinguish from delusion or talent ... dare you dream that you are actually any good? or must you guard against delusions of grandeur?

sales?
...
well no as mentioned lost of crappy talentless paintings sell, often for large amounts of money

people telling us they like what we paint?
...
nope because folk are often surprisingly kind, biased, or feel as though your so lacking in self confidence so much they need to boost it for you. besides they might be as delusional as we are..
(not to mention the flip side of that folk can also be amazing cruel, jealous or just mean spirited)

can we boil it down to figures?
if we can produce that which around three quarters of folk can not... does that equate to talent?
...
not really because some of the three quarters might be so full of self doubt they don't try there by messing with the figures,and even if you can produce something others cant how do you tell the difference between mediocrity and true talent?

so
whether we have talent or not we are left in this limbo of hoping we have talent but not daring to dream and take it to the next level in case its just dangerouse delusions of grandeur

how does depression affect your creative spirit?

and do you find treatment enhances your creativity or impairs it ?

on an interesting side note...

you

(if you have read my blog before)

have seen me comment on the possibility of a link between thyroid/adrenal glands and bipolar

given that since the mass's turned up there has been a huge decrease of my bipolar

both in severity and frequency,

i think it may also bear pointing out that there has also been a decrease in inspiration

not a cessation merely a huge decrease

so yep im bloody awful at updating this thing, i really really got to try harder huh  

things got hectic here again

with a kinda mixed bag of news

YAY

he got cleared for work after the spinal injury

BOO (hoo)

 two days into new job he had a mini stroke and crashed the car

YAY
he was uninjured (shame cant say same thing about the car)

BOO (hoo)  
the mini strokes kept happening

YAY
they have at least slowed down now

drs say they are not connected to the spinal injury, got to wonder about the timing though that was the first time he was back into hard graft and boom, thankfully there is very little damage resulting from them, his attention deficit seems to be increased but that could just be stress, fine motor function (on him not the car) seems intact (unlike the car which is now kaput)

so where was i ...

BOO

they found more masses in my thyroid

YAY
that decreases the chances that they are malignant

BOO (hoo and AARRGGG owwwww)
had a biopsy

mini boo,
bugger the solids are floating in liquid so they kept floating away from needle after several passes and consulting with the path lab between each try we gave up

YAY HEY YAHOO... son number 1 sprung a surprise flying visit on me :-)

YAY
i got one of my paintings into a cultural festival art show, (juried event)

had barely made it through the door when i was approached by one of the organisers

(hadn't even officially signed it in) she was wanting to buy it

BOO
i forgot to take final photo of how it looked

but heres an earlier shot of it (whilst i was working on it)

i got thoroughly reprimanded about under pricing it .. and reprimanded even more when i justified price by pointing out the flaws in it (reprimands were of course in the nicest possible way)

my own thoughts on a news story

you decide

A concerned would be father with a message of pro life?

or a creepy act of an obsessive stalker that sett's a dangerous precedence?

the message

"this would of been a picture of me holding my 2 month old baby

if the mother had not decided to kill it"

could be seen as a haunting message for pro life

except for the fact that the man in question

has admitted that he was told that the mother in

question (Nani) had had a miscarriage

he states that he has his doubts

in my own opinion doubts are fine but i would of though you needed actual proof before you could so publicly accuse some one of Killing anyone or anything

the claim is that this billboard is not aimed at

Nani

and that the acronym N.A.N.I

(national association of needed information)

was not an attempt of vindictiveness or persecution

of Nani

as of yet i have not seen any reporting done

on the opinion of Nani

 or on whether or not she believes

"created for N.A.N.I"

was an attempt to persecute herself

(herself being Nani)

i can say with out a measure of a doubt though

that had my controlling abusive stalker husband

started an organization

with the acronym

T.R.A.C.E.Y

i would pretty much assume it was aimed at me (Tracey)

and i can only say that i am glad he is not around to see this
billboard

otherwise he would of added this tactic to his arsenal

of isolation, persecution, retribution, harassment and assault

and there is the rub
as they say

how many other abusive ex's are out there reading this story in news papers and on line
and realising 

"this guy can do this with out arrest"
"without any retribution"
"no penalties, no fines, no jail time" 

the fact that the "man" in question
has been given two weeks to take the poster down
 is merely telling all those abusers that
this type of behaviour is acceptable

so the raptures over and were still here?

 W.T.F ? we werent good enough????

depressed ?

dont be...

heres a little music to help you get over the rapture blues

Create a MySpace Music Playlist at MixPod.com

I was reading an article

on the rise of incidence in bipolar

and thought i would share my feelings on the topic with you

I think as with most things in life its unlikely that the massive increase in bi polar diagnosis/incidence is down to any one reason, but more a combination of contributing factors...

its possible misdiagnosis accounts for a huge part in this.

Simple time constraints on over worked Dr that just does not give them the time required for an in depth exploration of the nuances in their patients behavior/conditions.

Sloppy/lazy diagnosis with bipolar merely being the quick easy option...

or caring sympathetic but overly cautious Dr diagnosing bipolar "to be on the safe side" erring on the side of caution due to the possibly huge ramification should they be wrong

and i hate to say it but, in some cases, greed its far more profitable to diagnose bipolar than to tell some one they are moody

And of course with the symptoms of bipolar being so widely know now there is that fraction of society that will lie or exaggerate their "symptoms" merely to procure an excuse for miss behavior

or in the case of children parents who will do like wise simply so they have an out... a reason to say their child's behavior is not because they as a parent failed

Another thing to take into consideration is the "seek and you will find" factor... you see what your looking for

Life styles/society/the environment even diet is ever changing it is highly plausible that this or an aspect of this may also explain an increase

The illicit drugs factor is difficult as there is always that chicken or the egg factor... is the incidence of higher use merely an attempt at self medication?

I feel i have to mention that i have had bipolar all my life although of course i was not diagnosed until early teens, medications were fairly ineffective, leaving me foggy, unable to concentrate or create. As i entered mid to late teens i like many others "experimented" with hashish, smoking it socially fairly regularly for around a year or so, iv got to say that although this would be considered the "wildness of youth" it was possibly the least "wild" time of my life... the incidences of both the deep depressions and (rather perversely) the highs mellowed with a greater space of time between them

In incidences where it is said that there was no bipolar before drug use, one thing i have noticed with my bipolar is that with or with out drugs every 4-7 years it "morphs" .. it could merely be a case that for some the symptoms were milder and over looked prior to drug use, and diagnoses after drug use merely a result of a normal progression (morph) of the disorder

All good things must come to an end though and as i started thinking of having a family i stopped using hashish and the bipolar returned as strong as ever and i struggled with it for years, various medications that left me ill foggy or just simply did nothing.

Lithium did once work when i took it well over a decade ago... but... and i know this is silly, the effect scared me, keep in mind i had grown up with bipolar and knew nothing different other than when i was on hashish... so to me waking up in the morning smiling meant, to my mind, that i must be high or manic, no one had explained to me that this could be considered "normal". Happiness with no cause/reason was something i had only ever experienced whilst in a manic state or whilst using hashish... both of which in societies eyes are bad/wrong/evil a sign of mental instability and something to be avoided, and so i ceased using it ...

when questioned years later on why on hearing my explanation a Dr suggested we try it again, this one patiently explaining that happy for no reason was OK but unfortunately the lithium no longer had the same effect

If i may digress from the subject of the article for a moment, something you may find interesting, a number of years ago i developed a few mass's.. one on the thyroid, one on the adrenal gland.... since then the bipolar (curiously) has been minimal, perhaps even milder than when i was using hashish, or when the lithium worked.

From....

..... rather regular periods of mood swinging from the seven pits in the depths of hell

 going through suicidal tendency out the other side to feelings that even death wouldn't help or ease pain, and its flip side of weeks with little sleep and extreme activity (were talking decorating,revamping,remodeling the entire house in the nude in three days kinda thing whilst dashing off 4 canvases and wanting to copulate with anything in trousers)

....To....

....now days ... i get a little blue sometimes and have occasional bursts of inspiration, got to say with such a drastic change i find it hard to believe the occurrence of the mass's and decrease in bipolar are unconnected (although i do doubt it will become a popular cure lol)

apologies for the length it seems i have a lot to say on bipolar

a really bad doodle in really bad taste

been a really crazy weekend

lack of sleep and over medication produce  the worst doodled ever

in the worst possible taste

were it better executed it would probably insult the vast majority of groups/sects out there

thankfully its crap

so... i thought id share it anyway

disclaimer

this was a twitter comments inspired doodle not based on any of my own opinions

"Fuck its getting too crowded here"

"if Rapunzel turns up next shes fucking fired"

yeah i know dont quit my day job

update

sooooo... iv been kinda bad at the blogging thing huh and i should of updated but damn things got a bit crazy this way

so here's the short update... thankfully they decided not to operate on his back and he got out of hospital a week later, complete with brace and strict orders to remain bed bound... so as you can imagine i didn't have much time to blog.

between tending him, the house, and my own crappy health i was rushed off my feet and pretty much collapsing into bed when ever i could (gently of course so as not to jar him)

leaving me feeling some what like this

my boys did offer to high tail it from ohio to help but i figured they were better off not interrupting their work schedule in case i needed help down the road and needed to bum money off them :-)

seriously though the financial ramifications over all this have been stressful as hell

 very very sweet of them to offer though

month later and hes finally up and about out of bed, though with a lot of assistance and the back brace

few months more and the brace was about to come off

when..........

he had to have his gallbladder removed

the thrashing about in pain set thing back a little

another hospital visit... and so much for avoiding an operation

...

back home some recoup and finally the brace came off

... hes now in physio and looking forward to being able to get back to work

can i please now make time to have a nervous breakdown?

seriously though i don't know how i would of made it through this with out the love support and encouragement of my kids

with out them my poor fella may of had to suffer through this on his own, there is no way i would of been able to accomplish everything that had to be done with out the emotional support from them

p.s....kids... fer the many phone calls from me where i just phoned up and burst into a bubbling heap of tears.... sorrrrry.

that was kinda embarrassing but you guys were great thank you.