Friday, August 20, 2010

So Sausages

WARNING ... if any of my kids are watching ya may want to look away ... WARNING
WARNING .. some shit you really dont want to think about in context to yer mother .. WARNING
( my son insists i now add warnings ;-) i think the vibrator in the draw blog shocked him)

yea i know in theory i should be talking bout the actual visit with my boys this blog, but i first just had to share this instead....

so saying that

when i was visiting with my boys

they took me to a specialty store
with lots and lots of all the U.K goodies i really miss

of course the prices were bloody extortionate
so i thought sod it ...
why arent i making my own.

sausages cant be that damned difficult after all
can they?

and pork pies ..... hmmmm droooool

and so upon return to texas i set out to find
sausage casing
(yes i am aware what its made of but id rather not think about that, casing sounds so much nicer)

it didnt take too long to realize that asking around the shops for sausage skins, whilst apparently humorous to some of the store owner's, was possibly not the best way to find them

so i decided it was entirely less embarrassing to just order them online

now my latest victim gets nervous about me experimenting
(with food)
 i think the storys about what i used to add to hubbys food might be the reason for this 
so i told him that yea sure id made sausages before...
"but it's been ages since i had stuffed a sausage"

unfortunately i chose to tell him this in the middle of a rather packed store.. much to the amusement of the other customers

so after escaping the giggles and stares of the other shoppers
we picked up the ingredients


the casing arrives a few days later
now its bad enough thinking about what this stuff really is...


when you tip it out of the packet it looks like a giant fucking tapeworm pile ... ewwwwwww

and its all salt encrusted which really doesnt add to its appeal

apparently you have to soak this stuff for half an hour... this should make it at least look better huh

no way

now it just looks like an undulating living worm
and when you touch it ....
it feels like a used condom

next part of this rather disgusting process

the stuffing

not having a sausage stuffing machine /device/ implement
(stop giggling)

i rummaged around the house fer an appropriate substitute whilst the casing (yes dammit casing i refuse to acknowledge what it is)  is soaking

a handy bottle of the right diameter
(about 1 and a half inches)
was conscripted and adapted
(ends lopped off unceremoniously)

there now we have a stuffing sleeve/tube/shaft of about 4 inches long
(damnit im not going to tell you again stop giggling)
now to get the casing on to it


so there i am in the kitchen sliding this 10 ft used condom appearing casing onto the sleeve/shaft/tube... using a hand motion that could of been described as erotic had it not been for the 10 ft of used condom that was involved

well thats the worst it could get right?

hell no

10 ft of used condom looking casing threaded on to a 4 inch sleeve/shaft/tube
has the appearance of a certain part of the anatomy from my last hubby were i to kick him out into the snow naked in the middle of winter.

the limp tied off end really does nothing to the whole image 

swallowing down my disgust i grasp the shaft firmly
(stop it)

and grab a hand full of stuffing mix with my free hand
i start ramming it (the stuffing) into the tube, it begins to extrude

now its starting to look like all that hand action gave it a hard on
 this is at least an improvement on the used condom look

after about 6 inches of sausage had emerged
(do i have to send you out of the room)
 i twisted the loose skin/casing
sharply and tightly, i couldnt help but smirk ... it was even more satisfying when i snipped the sausage off from the rest of the skin with a nice pair of sharp sterile scissors

yay my first sausage

i shaped it
(resisting the urge to mould a head onto it)
and then pricked it
(stop sniggering)
and set it aside
several sausages later i had the makings of a meal ;-)

mashed potatoes, bbq beans, lashings of onion gravy

trying desperately to not think on
A what the skin was
B the entire damned process of production

it was, in all, a very satisfying feast

it was rather unfortunate timing however when my latest victim decided to get frisky and romantic after the meal

there i was stroking his pride and joy ready for some foreplay 
i couldnt help but compare it to a sausage in size and shape

although he did, i admit, compare favourable both in size and girth

pushing the days exploits in the kitchen from my mind i attempted to focused on the task at hand


as i grasped him firm in my palm and started to gently, seductively slide my fingers along his shaft

i kept getting flash images of threading the 10 ft used condom onto the shaft....

whilst he was making little moaning sounds of appreciation
i was trying desperately to stifling alternating giggles and thoughts of ewwww
(of the process of sausage stuffing not at his appendage i hasten to add)

well that was my day how was yours?

sausages any one???


  1. That was a fun read. I am new to blogging and that was very inspiring . Thx. looking forward to reading more .


  2. glad you enjoyed, im fairly new to all this myself ;-)
    hmm inspiring... to blog or ..... ;-) lol
    cuz if this blog is inspiring to the other we might have to worry about ya

  3. Widow can I come back in now. I feel the need to go all texty and say ROFLMAO etc. Very funny.

  4. lol yes its safe now...
    glad you got a roflmao out of it ;-)

  5. Having made miles of sausage with my grandma (stop laughing) explains why I've never worn the other (gasp) Seriously she inherent each her grandchildren an old fashioned hand powered meat grinder. I always wondered why she had so many. In my memory I'm back in her sunlit kitchen helping her bring out the stuffing 2 the patio and seeing all the meat grinders bolted in line 2 grampa's stout picnic table with my sister brothers & cousins ready 2 grind. Thanks 4 stirring those memories.

  6. ye make a good comedic writer - better than Erma Bombeck... fun thing to read first thing in morning, heh...

  7. lol phil, any time ;-) thanks for shareing the memories was a fun read too :-)

    ;-) glad you enjoyed visioneer

  8. Sorry, Widow, but I can't stop laughing. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    -French Bean

  9. lol glad ya got a laugh beans ;-)