do we dare to dream?

so ...

time i think for another bi polar post

(not a rant i hasten to add)

bipolar and its effects on art

the first and most direct effect of bipolar on art is i think we can all agree is

medication

this is a topic that comes up fairly frequently and is one that has most artists/creative types at logger heads

with their Dr's/Psychiatrist

most artists will tell you that they feel the medication will hamper the creative process and significantly impair if not  kill inspiration,

in general they reach this conclusion through observing other artists both on and off meds and their resulting pieces,

by talking to other artists and asking how they feel it effects their art

and of course through personal experience

most psychiatrists will tell you that they do not think medication harms the production of art in any way

many going even further and laying claim to it improving the process

they come to this conclusion by ... well most of them don't say

some of them cite working with many other artists and claim they continue to paint successfully

i think some of this disparity of view comes from the difference between technical proficiency and inspiration
(most psychiatrists don't seem to know there is a difference)

whilst meds
(so long as they are not to zombie extent) 
do not actually impair the technical ability to paint a proficient piece
(what i call the pretty paintings)

there is in our eyes a huge difference between
a pretty well executed painting
and
a painting filled with inspiration
one that has the ability to speak to you ,
not in a psychotic way of commanding you to burn burn burn, but in the manner of being able to evoke a strong emotional reaction with in the viewer

another less explored effect bipolar has on art and one that i think affects me the most

comes from the training
to guard against mood swings

from a very early point in diagnosis we are taught manic highs bad, (lots of fun but very very bad)

euphoria = danger

delusions of grandeur = the evil of all evils
(allow your self to succumb to it and chances are you'll be deciding to fly off the nearest tall building, because hey you can do anything )

along with struggling to keep the lows in tight reign we are also taught that its imperative to keep just as tight reign (if not tighter) on the highs

after all lose control of a low and you might end up dead

lose control of a high however and the results can be far more wide ranging and dire,
destroying the lives of those you care about,
landing you in jail,
life savings blown,
homelessness
and so on

were taught that one of the warning signs of an approaching high is over confidence,
the belief that we have the ability,
skill set to do things which we are not in actual fact capable of doing.
it is emphasised time and time again,
drummed into us that we must on no account give in to this.
in effect we are
taught,
trained,
and
berated
into continually questioning our own abilities and if they are merely a perceived delusion or an actual ability  

which for a lot of things is a fairly good tactic

carpentry for instance
can be quickly decided between delusion or ability
by the amount of blood resulting in constructing a piece of furniture,
if it stands to the test of time,
and if the resulting furniture is safe
(sharp exposed nail and chances are your within the realms of delusion rather than ability)

where as flying

can be fairly easily written off as a delusion

art however is subjective,
success does not necessarily come with talent,
(in large most success is achieved through p.r or knowing the right folk)

many with out talent can be highly successful
if they move in the right circles

and many with huge amounts of talent never manage to achieve success in their own life time

so how do you actually distinguish from delusion or talent ... dare you dream that you are actually any good? or must you guard against delusions of grandeur?

sales?
...
well no as mentioned lost of crappy talentless paintings sell, often for large amounts of money

people telling us they like what we paint?
...
nope because folk are often surprisingly kind, biased, or feel as though your so lacking in self confidence so much they need to boost it for you. besides they might be as delusional as we are..
(not to mention the flip side of that folk can also be amazing cruel, jealous or just mean spirited)

can we boil it down to figures?
if we can produce that which around three quarters of folk can not... does that equate to talent?
...
not really because some of the three quarters might be so full of self doubt they don't try there by messing with the figures,and even if you can produce something others cant how do you tell the difference between mediocrity and true talent?

so
whether we have talent or not we are left in this limbo of hoping we have talent but not daring to dream and take it to the next level in case its just dangerouse delusions of grandeur

how does depression affect your creative spirit?

and do you find treatment enhances your creativity or impairs it ?

on an interesting side note...

you

(if you have read my blog before)

have seen me comment on the possibility of a link between thyroid/adrenal glands and bipolar

given that since the mass's turned up there has been a huge decrease of my bipolar

both in severity and frequency,

i think it may also bear pointing out that there has also been a decrease in inspiration

not a cessation merely a huge decrease

so yep im bloody awful at updating this thing, i really really got to try harder huh  

things got hectic here again

with a kinda mixed bag of news

YAY

he got cleared for work after the spinal injury

BOO (hoo)

 two days into new job he had a mini stroke and crashed the car

YAY
he was uninjured (shame cant say same thing about the car)

BOO (hoo)  
the mini strokes kept happening

YAY
they have at least slowed down now

drs say they are not connected to the spinal injury, got to wonder about the timing though that was the first time he was back into hard graft and boom, thankfully there is very little damage resulting from them, his attention deficit seems to be increased but that could just be stress, fine motor function (on him not the car) seems intact (unlike the car which is now kaput)

so where was i ...

BOO

they found more masses in my thyroid

YAY
that decreases the chances that they are malignant

BOO (hoo and AARRGGG owwwww)
had a biopsy

mini boo,
bugger the solids are floating in liquid so they kept floating away from needle after several passes and consulting with the path lab between each try we gave up

YAY HEY YAHOO... son number 1 sprung a surprise flying visit on me :-)

YAY
i got one of my paintings into a cultural festival art show, (juried event)

had barely made it through the door when i was approached by one of the organisers

(hadn't even officially signed it in) she was wanting to buy it

BOO
i forgot to take final photo of how it looked

but heres an earlier shot of it (whilst i was working on it)

i got thoroughly reprimanded about under pricing it .. and reprimanded even more when i justified price by pointing out the flaws in it (reprimands were of course in the nicest possible way)