do we dare to dream?

so ...

time i think for another bi polar post

(not a rant i hasten to add)

bipolar and its effects on art

the first and most direct effect of bipolar on art is i think we can all agree is

medication

this is a topic that comes up fairly frequently and is one that has most artists/creative types at logger heads

with their Dr's/Psychiatrist

most artists will tell you that they feel the medication will hamper the creative process and significantly impair if not  kill inspiration,

in general they reach this conclusion through observing other artists both on and off meds and their resulting pieces,

by talking to other artists and asking how they feel it effects their art

and of course through personal experience

most psychiatrists will tell you that they do not think medication harms the production of art in any way

many going even further and laying claim to it improving the process

they come to this conclusion by ... well most of them don't say

some of them cite working with many other artists and claim they continue to paint successfully

i think some of this disparity of view comes from the difference between technical proficiency and inspiration
(most psychiatrists don't seem to know there is a difference)

whilst meds
(so long as they are not to zombie extent) 
do not actually impair the technical ability to paint a proficient piece
(what i call the pretty paintings)

there is in our eyes a huge difference between
a pretty well executed painting
and
a painting filled with inspiration
one that has the ability to speak to you ,
not in a psychotic way of commanding you to burn burn burn, but in the manner of being able to evoke a strong emotional reaction with in the viewer

another less explored effect bipolar has on art and one that i think affects me the most

comes from the training
to guard against mood swings

from a very early point in diagnosis we are taught manic highs bad, (lots of fun but very very bad)

euphoria = danger

delusions of grandeur = the evil of all evils
(allow your self to succumb to it and chances are you'll be deciding to fly off the nearest tall building, because hey you can do anything )

along with struggling to keep the lows in tight reign we are also taught that its imperative to keep just as tight reign (if not tighter) on the highs

after all lose control of a low and you might end up dead

lose control of a high however and the results can be far more wide ranging and dire,
destroying the lives of those you care about,
landing you in jail,
life savings blown,
homelessness
and so on

were taught that one of the warning signs of an approaching high is over confidence,
the belief that we have the ability,
skill set to do things which we are not in actual fact capable of doing.
it is emphasised time and time again,
drummed into us that we must on no account give in to this.
in effect we are
taught,
trained,
and
berated
into continually questioning our own abilities and if they are merely a perceived delusion or an actual ability  

which for a lot of things is a fairly good tactic

carpentry for instance
can be quickly decided between delusion or ability
by the amount of blood resulting in constructing a piece of furniture,
if it stands to the test of time,
and if the resulting furniture is safe
(sharp exposed nail and chances are your within the realms of delusion rather than ability)

where as flying

can be fairly easily written off as a delusion

art however is subjective,
success does not necessarily come with talent,
(in large most success is achieved through p.r or knowing the right folk)

many with out talent can be highly successful
if they move in the right circles

and many with huge amounts of talent never manage to achieve success in their own life time

so how do you actually distinguish from delusion or talent ... dare you dream that you are actually any good? or must you guard against delusions of grandeur?

sales?
...
well no as mentioned lost of crappy talentless paintings sell, often for large amounts of money

people telling us they like what we paint?
...
nope because folk are often surprisingly kind, biased, or feel as though your so lacking in self confidence so much they need to boost it for you. besides they might be as delusional as we are..
(not to mention the flip side of that folk can also be amazing cruel, jealous or just mean spirited)

can we boil it down to figures?
if we can produce that which around three quarters of folk can not... does that equate to talent?
...
not really because some of the three quarters might be so full of self doubt they don't try there by messing with the figures,and even if you can produce something others cant how do you tell the difference between mediocrity and true talent?

so
whether we have talent or not we are left in this limbo of hoping we have talent but not daring to dream and take it to the next level in case its just dangerouse delusions of grandeur

how does depression affect your creative spirit?

and do you find treatment enhances your creativity or impairs it ?

on an interesting side note...

you

(if you have read my blog before)

have seen me comment on the possibility of a link between thyroid/adrenal glands and bipolar

given that since the mass's turned up there has been a huge decrease of my bipolar

both in severity and frequency,

i think it may also bear pointing out that there has also been a decrease in inspiration

not a cessation merely a huge decrease

What does Bipolar feel like? like this ...

thank you for visiting

as mentioned previously, i was diagnosed bipolar when i was a teen...

what does bipolar feel like i hear you ask?
(well ok i might not hear you ask that, it might just be voices in my head)

now that i actually do confess to having it.... i do get asked a lot about what bipolar feels like

i cant speak for everyone of course but from my own experiences and from talking to other people with bipolar

most of us think too damned much we cant help it its part of the disorder

no biggie right?

well here's a little experiment for you to get a feel for what its like

get hold of as many radios/cd players as you can get your hands on (got to be more than 5 preferably 10 or more)... tune them all to different stations,

now turn on the t.v (or more than one if you can)

now get back to the computer and start rapidly clicking on random web pages one after the other (try and hit 200 a minute) whilst trying to read the entire content of each as your rapidly clicking away opening more

imagine all that, (the radio's the cd's the tv the internet) are thoughts all running at the same time... that's just an inkling of what its like ... we cant turn it off. we have to try and sleep like that half the time too

(please bear that in mind if you catch us in a irritable mood, or wonder why we look distracted)

the lows ... (the depressive phase)

as with any type of depression that can vary... but most of us will relate to this following description fairly easily

trapped in a narrow deep, dank, pit of hell. the walls slick, sharp barbed thorns encircle the walls spiraling, reaching ever higher to the distant point of dim light far far above, a gaping maw below, waiting to swallow our soul. demons reaching ravenously, grasping at us, clawing, trying to claim our flesh on which to feast.
their howls of hunger drowned out only by our

own

screaming soul

(yes there's a reason why a substantial amount of us attempt suicide)

but suicidal is the worst it can get right????

er NOPE,

(actually suicidal is a fairly decent stage because you know you can end it with death if you really cant take it any more so there's hope)

there's a phase where even suicide wont help you escape, you KNOW this shit is going to go on for eternity no way out no hope of escape no end even death wont help because it will continue even after that

almost as bad is the phase when suicide is not an option because people rely on you to be around. people that you are supposed to be caring for whilst simultaneously going through this,

or because some one has told you you'll burn in hell for an eternity with a thousand pitchforks stabbing into you

(personally i say big freaking deal been there done that... see above)

... or because of other moral obligation or beliefs that bind you... or simply because you hope this will all pass soon and its just a "temporary problem"

(damn i hate that phrase.. temporary??? yea you try it buddy and know that even if you do come out of it... it will ALWAYS return)

of course it doesn't always get that bad

there's also that delightfully charming stage where our body's turn to lead and our brains to mush (though it can be a nice break from racing thoughts). where climbing out of bed is like climbing a mountain... and i don't mean a nice meander up

Kilimanjaro or a gentle jog up Mt. Kinabalu either i mean something like freaking Baintha Brakk (aka The Ogre) or the K.2 (aka The Savage Mountain)

even something as simple as fixing food can be beyond the scope of possibility and the thought of the outside world can fill us with unbridled terror, coping with other people during that phase can be an extremely draining experience its almost like other people drain our life's energy out of us like some crazed ethereal energy vampire,

seriously dude you can wipe us the fuck out, even if your being the most understanding caring loving person on the god dammed planet its nothing personal but damn, for the most part we just cant deal with you...i don't know about others

(because oddly enough iv not asked them on this particular point)

but for me i can almost bear folk around me, hell sometimes almost comforting... its interaction that drains the hell out of me,

(if they could pretend i wasn't there it might be ok ;-)

AAAHHHH but then there's the highs (mania)

man it is FUCKING AWESOME (though i know a lot disagree and dread them) but hell i used to live for them (of course my highs were very mild compared to most folks). kilimanjaro??? sod that i could fucking fly up the side of Baintha Brakk, K2? , i could probably fly up that pimple on the face of the planet too,(though many worse than me might think they could fly off the top of it as well) K2? it could kiss my ass

As my thoughts raced ever faster the world around me slowed down i could cram a week into a day, inspiration streamed at me hitting me like asteroids striking the planet, idea's exploding through the mind like the Forth of fucking July, all you wonderful folk out there that have tried various drugs to get a high (come on admit it i know some of you have tried)...i don't wish to rub this in, or make you feel bad in anyway but you don't know shit about a real high, there's no comparison take your best drug high and multiply it by 10 hell by infinity

i felt like i could do anything i turned my hand too,

my husband would go out for the day and come home to not only find the living room, repaired, redecorated and rearranged but an 8 ft dragon murel on the hall wall as well

(he was drunk at the time though i seem to recall he sobered up real fast)

i was lucky, my highs were mild and i rarely got into trouble with them

however

with some they can become very destructive, a complete break down of inhibition can lead to total disaster, spending their entire savings getting themselves into huge amounts of debt, massive risk taking behaviour, (think of the worst of the old rock/heavy metal stars behaviour) broken marriages, devastated family's, and enough fatalities from folk flying high to strike fear into the very thought of a high (accidental overdoses cuz fuck were super human and it wont hurt us, yea man i know i can steer this car at 150 miles an hour, with my feet? no freaking problem, kinda thing not to mention yea i can jump across the roofs from this sky scraper to that one no problem watch me fly baby watch me freaking fly)

and of course after that ....

there's the crash

(and i don't mean from the extreme examples that end in a wet bloody splat.. after every high no matter how severe or how mild)

... you cant fly high for ever, you can only push your body so far before its time to pay the piper ( remember the lethargy mentioned earlier? its like that, but this time you also have to deal with the consequences of all the crazy ass shit you did, not to mention the guilt, self loathing, humiliation and knowing that eventually your going to have to face everybody and they are all going to be judging you, laughing at you, and thinking you are insane, (and granted whilst you were in a high you probably were,) but now your cold stone sane)

But like anything else you get used to it right???

well that's the extra fun part about it, for a lot of us, just as you get to know the symptoms, and the order of them and can start making little plans of action to deal with it before you start spiraling out if control, just when you have that smug feeling of... ha i laugh in the face of bipolar... the shit up and changes on you i mean it totally metafuckingmorphosis on you .. where agitation was the first stage its suddenly the teetering threshold of hell... what you should been looking out for was noise sensitivity, or the tiredness or some other freaking obscure clue that you could never of bloody guessed at. every one is different, for some they remain fairly similar through out or so I'm told, others it seems to change any where between every 3 to 8 years.

i am planning on adding more info, links and so forth if you have any links that would be useful please let me know or anything you think might be a useful addition to the page just jot me a note and I'll be happy to consider/implement/insert it

thank you for the suggestion anonymous 374 but i don't think its even possible to insert that particular object there ;-)