Exper E Mental

do we dare to dream?

2011-09-21T01:45:00.000-07:00

so ...

time i think for another bi polar post

(not a rant i hasten to add)

bipolar and its effects on art

the first and most direct effect of bipolar on art is i think we can all agree is

medication

this is a topic that comes up fairly frequently and is one that has most artists/creative types at logger heads

with their Dr's/Psychiatrist

most artists will tell you that they feel the medication will hamper the creative process and significantly impair if not kill inspiration,

in general they reach this conclusion through observing other artists both on and off meds and their resulting pieces,

by talking to other artists and asking how they feel it effects their art

and of course through personal experience

most psychiatrists will tell you that they do not think medication harms the production of art in any way

many going even further and laying claim to it improving the process

they come to this conclusion by ... well most of them don't say

some of them cite working with many other artists and claim they continue to paint successfully

i think some of this disparity of view comes from the difference between technical proficiency and inspiration
(most psychiatrists don't seem to know there is a difference)

whilst meds
(so long as they are not to zombie extent)
do not actually impair the technical ability to paint a proficient piece
(what i call the pretty paintings)

there is in our eyes a huge difference between
a pretty well executed painting
and
a painting filled with inspiration
one that has the ability to speak to you ,
not in a psychotic way of commanding you to burn burn burn, but in the manner of being able to evoke a strong emotional reaction with in the viewer

another less explored effect bipolar has on art and one that i think affects me the most

comes from the training
to guard against mood swings

from a very early point in diagnosis we are taught manic highs bad, (lots of fun but very very bad)

euphoria = danger

delusions of grandeur = the evil of all evils
(allow your self to succumb to it and chances are you'll be deciding to fly off the nearest tall building, because hey you can do anything )

along with struggling to keep the lows in tight reign we are also taught that its imperative to keep just as tight reign (if not tighter) on the highs

after all lose control of a low and you might end up dead

lose control of a high however and the results can be far more wide ranging and dire,
destroying the lives of those you care about,
landing you in jail,
life savings blown,
homelessness
and so on

were taught that one of the warning signs of an approaching high is over confidence,
the belief that we have the ability,
skill set to do things which we are not in actual fact capable of doing.
it is emphasised time and time again,
drummed into us that we must on no account give in to this.
in effect we are
taught,
trained,
and
berated
into continually questioning our own abilities and if they are merely a perceived delusion or an actual ability

which for a lot of things is a fairly good tactic

carpentry for instance
can be quickly decided between delusion or ability
by the amount of blood resulting in constructing a piece of furniture,
if it stands to the test of time,
and if the resulting furniture is safe
(sharp exposed nail and chances are your within the realms of delusion rather than ability)

where as flying

can be fairly easily written off as a delusion

art however is subjective,
success does not necessarily come with talent,
(in large most success is achieved through p.r or knowing the right folk)

many with out talent can be highly successful
if they move in the right circles

and many with huge amounts of talent never manage to achieve success in their own life time

so how do you actually distinguish from delusion or talent ... dare you dream that you are actually any good? or must you guard against delusions of grandeur?

sales?
...
well no as mentioned lost of crappy talentless paintings sell, often for large amounts of money

people telling us they like what we paint?
...
nope because folk are often surprisingly kind, biased, or feel as though your so lacking in self confidence so much they need to boost it for you. besides they might be as delusional as we are..
(not to mention the flip side of that folk can also be amazing cruel, jealous or just mean spirited)

can we boil it down to figures?
if we can produce that which around three quarters of folk can not... does that equate to talent?
...
not really because some of the three quarters might be so full of self doubt they don't try there by messing with the figures,and even if you can produce something others cant how do you tell the difference between mediocrity and true talent?

so
whether we have talent or not we are left in this limbo of hoping we have talent but not daring to dream and take it to the next level in case its just dangerouse delusions of grandeur

how does depression affect your creative spirit?

and do you find treatment enhances your creativity or impairs it ?

on an interesting side note...

you

(if you have read my blog before)

have seen me comment on the possibility of a link between thyroid/adrenal glands and bipolar

given that since the mass's turned up there has been a huge decrease of my bipolar

both in severity and frequency,

i think it may also bear pointing out that there has also been a decrease in inspiration

not a cessation merely a huge decrease

2011-09-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

so yep im bloody awful at updating this thing, i really really got to try harder huh

things got hectic here again

with a kinda mixed bag of news

YAY

he got cleared for work after the spinal injury

BOO (hoo)

two days into new job he had a mini stroke and crashed the car

YAY
he was uninjured (shame cant say same thing about the car)

BOO (hoo)
the mini strokes kept happening

YAY
they have at least slowed down now

drs say they are not connected to the spinal injury, got to wonder about the timing though that was the first time he was back into hard graft and boom, thankfully there is very little damage resulting from them, his attention deficit seems to be increased but that could just be stress, fine motor function (on him not the car) seems intact (unlike the car which is now kaput)

so where was i ...

BOO

they found more masses in my thyroid

YAY
that decreases the chances that they are malignant

BOO (hoo and AARRGGG owwwww)
had a biopsy

mini boo,
bugger the solids are floating in liquid so they kept floating away from needle after several passes and consulting with the path lab between each try we gave up

YAY HEY YAHOO... son number 1 sprung a surprise flying visit on me :-)

YAY
i got one of my paintings into a cultural festival art show, (juried event)

had barely made it through the door when i was approached by one of the organisers

(hadn't even officially signed it in) she was wanting to buy it

BOO
i forgot to take final photo of how it looked

but heres an earlier shot of it (whilst i was working on it)

i got thoroughly reprimanded about under pricing it .. and reprimanded even more when i justified price by pointing out the flaws in it (reprimands were of course in the nicest possible way)

my own thoughts on a news story

2011-06-08T02:50:00.000-07:00

you decide

A concerned would be father with a message of pro life?

or a creepy act of an obsessive stalker that sett's a dangerous precedence?

the message

"this would of been a picture of me holding my 2 month old baby

if the mother had not decided to kill it"

could be seen as a haunting message for pro life

except for the fact that the man in question

has admitted that he was told that the mother in

question (Nani) had had a miscarriage

he states that he has his doubts

in my own opinion doubts are fine but i would of though you needed actual proof before you could so publicly accuse some one of Killing anyone or anything

the claim is that this billboard is not aimed at

Nani

and that the acronym N.A.N.I

(national association of needed information)

was not an attempt of vindictiveness or persecution

of Nani

as of yet i have not seen any reporting done

on the opinion of Nani

or on whether or not she believes

"created for N.A.N.I"

was an attempt to persecute herself

(herself being Nani)

i can say with out a measure of a doubt though

that had my controlling abusive stalker husband

started an organization

with the acronym

T.R.A.C.E.Y

i would pretty much assume it was aimed at me (Tracey)

and i can only say that i am glad he is not around to see this
billboard

otherwise he would of added this tactic to his arsenal

of isolation, persecution, retribution, harassment and assault

and there is the rub
as they say

how many other abusive ex's are out there reading this story in news papers and on line
and realising

"this guy can do this with out arrest"
"without any retribution"
"no penalties, no fines, no jail time"

the fact that the "man" in question
has been given two weeks to take the poster down
is merely telling all those abusers that
this type of behaviour is acceptable

2011-05-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

so the raptures over and were still here?

W.T.F ? we werent good enough????

depressed ?

dont be...

heres a little music to help you get over the rapture blues

Create a MySpace Music Playlist at MixPod.com

2011-05-05T09:31:00.001-07:00

I was reading an article

on the rise of incidence in bipolar

and thought i would share my feelings on the topic with you

I think as with most things in life its unlikely that the massive increase in bi polar diagnosis/incidence is down to any one reason, but more a combination of contributing factors...

its possible misdiagnosis accounts for a huge part in this.

Simple time constraints on over worked Dr that just does not give them the time required for an in depth exploration of the nuances in their patients behavior/conditions.

Sloppy/lazy diagnosis with bipolar merely being the quick easy option...

or caring sympathetic but overly cautious Dr diagnosing bipolar "to be on the safe side" erring on the side of caution due to the possibly huge ramification should they be wrong

and i hate to say it but, in some cases, greed its far more profitable to diagnose bipolar than to tell some one they are moody

And of course with the symptoms of bipolar being so widely know now there is that fraction of society that will lie or exaggerate their "symptoms" merely to procure an excuse for miss behavior

or in the case of children parents who will do like wise simply so they have an out... a reason to say their child's behavior is not because they as a parent failed

Another thing to take into consideration is the "seek and you will find" factor... you see what your looking for

Life styles/society/the environment even diet is ever changing it is highly plausible that this or an aspect of this may also explain an increase

The illicit drugs factor is difficult as there is always that chicken or the egg factor... is the incidence of higher use merely an attempt at self medication?

I feel i have to mention that i have had bipolar all my life although of course i was not diagnosed until early teens, medications were fairly ineffective, leaving me foggy, unable to concentrate or create. As i entered mid to late teens i like many others "experimented" with hashish, smoking it socially fairly regularly for around a year or so, iv got to say that although this would be considered the "wildness of youth" it was possibly the least "wild" time of my life... the incidences of both the deep depressions and (rather perversely) the highs mellowed with a greater space of time between them

In incidences where it is said that there was no bipolar before drug use, one thing i have noticed with my bipolar is that with or with out drugs every 4-7 years it "morphs" .. it could merely be a case that for some the symptoms were milder and over looked prior to drug use, and diagnoses after drug use merely a result of a normal progression (morph) of the disorder

All good things must come to an end though and as i started thinking of having a family i stopped using hashish and the bipolar returned as strong as ever and i struggled with it for years, various medications that left me ill foggy or just simply did nothing.

Lithium did once work when i took it well over a decade ago... but... and i know this is silly, the effect scared me, keep in mind i had grown up with bipolar and knew nothing different other than when i was on hashish... so to me waking up in the morning smiling meant, to my mind, that i must be high or manic, no one had explained to me that this could be considered "normal". Happiness with no cause/reason was something i had only ever experienced whilst in a manic state or whilst using hashish... both of which in societies eyes are bad/wrong/evil a sign of mental instability and something to be avoided, and so i ceased using it ...

when questioned years later on why on hearing my explanation a Dr suggested we try it again, this one patiently explaining that happy for no reason was OK but unfortunately the lithium no longer had the same effect

If i may digress from the subject of the article for a moment, something you may find interesting, a number of years ago i developed a few mass's.. one on the thyroid, one on the adrenal gland.... since then the bipolar (curiously) has been minimal, perhaps even milder than when i was using hashish, or when the lithium worked.

From....

..... rather regular periods of mood swinging from the seven pits in the depths of hell

going through suicidal tendency out the other side to feelings that even death wouldn't help or ease pain, and its flip side of weeks with little sleep and extreme activity (were talking decorating,revamping,remodeling the entire house in the nude in three days kinda thing whilst dashing off 4 canvases and wanting to copulate with anything in trousers)

....To....

....now days ... i get a little blue sometimes and have occasional bursts of inspiration, got to say with such a drastic change i find it hard to believe the occurrence of the mass's and decrease in bipolar are unconnected (although i do doubt it will become a popular cure lol)

apologies for the length it seems i have a lot to say on bipolar

a really bad doodle in really bad taste

2011-05-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

been a really crazy weekend

lack of sleep and over medication produce the worst doodled ever

in the worst possible taste

were it better executed it would probably insult the vast majority of groups/sects out there

thankfully its crap

so... i thought id share it anyway

disclaimer

this was a twitter comments inspired doodle not based on any of my own opinions

"Fuck its getting too crowded here"

"if Rapunzel turns up next shes fucking fired"

yeah i know dont quit my day job

update

2011-05-05T08:37:00.000-07:00

sooooo... iv been kinda bad at the blogging thing huh and i should of updated but damn things got a bit crazy this way

so here's the short update... thankfully they decided not to operate on his back and he got out of hospital a week later, complete with brace and strict orders to remain bed bound... so as you can imagine i didn't have much time to blog.

between tending him, the house, and my own crappy health i was rushed off my feet and pretty much collapsing into bed when ever i could (gently of course so as not to jar him)

leaving me feeling some what like this

my boys did offer to high tail it from ohio to help but i figured they were better off not interrupting their work schedule in case i needed help down the road and needed to bum money off them :-)

seriously though the financial ramifications over all this have been stressful as hell

very very sweet of them to offer though

month later and hes finally up and about out of bed, though with a lot of assistance and the back brace

few months more and the brace was about to come off

when..........

he had to have his gallbladder removed

the thrashing about in pain set thing back a little

another hospital visit... and so much for avoiding an operation

...

back home some recoup and finally the brace came off

... hes now in physio and looking forward to being able to get back to work

can i please now make time to have a nervous breakdown?

seriously though i don't know how i would of made it through this with out the love support and encouragement of my kids

with out them my poor fella may of had to suffer through this on his own, there is no way i would of been able to accomplish everything that had to be done with out the emotional support from them

p.s....kids... fer the many phone calls from me where i just phoned up and burst into a bubbling heap of tears.... sorrrrry.

that was kinda embarrassing but you guys were great thank you.

ThanksGiving part two

2010-11-30T14:03:00.000-08:00

but first i got to tip my hat to my home land
in honour of ST ANDREWS DAY

so now to continue ...

we left off with me heading to the hospital

damn that trip seemed to take for ever

i was slowly building up ever more horrific images in my mind

hubby number two had had an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm about a year before id gotten ill

which was a scary time, and that had him hooked up in a very nightmare inspiring i.c.u unit with tubes flowing in and out of him, bleeping machines that kept screaming out alarms, and his skin just hanging, looking like a flaccid pasty, dough.

I swear he looked like a corpse, not the kind you see in funeral homes but the type you see on horror movies .. the kinda that turn into bloody flesh eating zombies

(course if id know then what i know now, and if id realised what an abusive git he was going transform into, i would of been unhooking half of the tubes and wires there and then and saving myself from a lot of pain later on down the road)

any way

i kept getting flashbacks to that kind of image except instead of hubby number two it was my latest victim laying on the bed looking deathly pale... and yes i know i was letting my imagination run away with me and hell i know panic was just exaggerating crap ... but shit i had no "real" info to go on so my mind was filling in the blanks, ya know i get the feeling my mind really doesn't like me very much

the poor Craig's list driver

(complete with bodyguard companion)

kept turning on the radio.. possibly in an effort to hint that should perhaps cease my constant stream of nervous inane babble ..

he was of course far to kind and polite to tell me to shut the fuck up, you know i knew i should, but just couldn't.

we get to the hospital and they say lots of nice kind soothing reassuring things, all of which went totally over my head at the time cuz hell id worked myself up into a state, i pretty much threw the money at them,

not in a rude way you understand

but in a

"i cant think straight and i don't got a second to spare"

kinda way.

i ran into the hospital... kinda wondering if at that point the Craig's list guy +1 breathed a sigh of relief to be getting rid of the crazy Scottish lady

(brief intermission whilst my mind wanders off for a second)

"dashing through the ward

like a woman ready to slay,

oer the floor we go

rushing all the way...

(the ha ha ha that's usually inserted here in the original song would possibly be as a result of total hysteria in this case)"

sorry bout that it just popped into my head ..

any way to continue on

i was expecting some crap about getting in to see my latest victim because i don't have that stupid bit of paper that says I'm legally bound to him...

(not through his lack of trying to get me to agree to marriage i hasten to add)

but any way i stormed through the doors into the reception area ready to do battle if they attempted to pull the legal next of kin crap on me

(i had heard many horror story's of that happening to folk over here)

but sigggh of relief they didn't try it, but instead very speedily directed me towards where he was

(not sure if that was down to procedure or whether id just scared the crap out of the poor soul

I'm a damned scary sight when i bristle)

i practically ran through the damned security doors and was speeding through the halls so fast i damn near fell arse over tit... walked past where i should of been going then on out through some other security doors ..

(which of course wouldnt let me back in)

at which point i figured id better take a deep breath and calm myself the fuck down ...

(feel free to strike meditation pose and chant OMMmmm)

so ... lets try this again .. more slowly... and i walked the whole circuit again, picking up some rather odd looks as i do ... this time i actually him

no tubes other than the i.v ... huge sigh of relief that's got to be a good sign right?

neck brace .. kinda worrying

moans of pain... bloody terrifying

seems conscious .. good sign

now fer some damned reason I'm kinda nervous about approaching the bed, not sure why, possibly i was scared of what id be told

after deep breath and bracing myself i get to his bedside .. and I'm not sure who breathed the loudest sigh of relief my latest victim or myself.. he looked damned glad to see me, i felt kinda awful that he'd been going through this on his own it must of been bloody scary as hell for him

he doesn't do well under stress

holding his hand i get told he has a fractured spine

theres a phrase you don't want to hear

you get immediate flashes of wheel chairs and so forth flying through yer head.

(oddly enough no one mentioned concussion, from the way he sounded as he spoke both when id heard him on the phone and now I'm kinda surprised they didn't mention the possibilities of that)

his face was flickering between agony, and fear and bizarrely enough remorse .. poor sod was as worried about the truck and his job as he was about himself ... i didn't know whether to hug him and try to comfort him or slap the crap out of him and scream fuck the truck and the job its you were got to be concerned about

i reassured him the company knew

(they'd gotten back to me and i had been requested to keep them informed)

and that they had their side of things under control

as you know the rest of story is going to be hours of waiting wondering, paranoia and brief flashes of hope

finally a Dr appeared and gave us a little more info

the scan he'd had before i arrived had shown a compression fracture on the L1 vertebra

his vital signs were good and there appeared to be no other damage...

(huge ass sigh of relief and damn near collapsed with the weight of stress being removed)

they were assessing whether or not to operate ....

what ? huh? back the fuck up... w.t.f operate????

so much for relief

damn

its that bad????

now im willing to conceed that i might of just had unussaly crap experiances with health care here but....

fuck operations here are only done in extreme cases int they? hell iv got tumors popping up like daisys and they wont opperate yet.. and they want to opperate on him?

so now iv got images of his vertebra being so badly fractured its likely to dissintegrate

"were going to admit him mean while"

whoa wait a minute this is America they don't admit they never admit

unless yer like one stage from deaths door... fuck they discharge you from the er here even if they've just had to ram yer innards back into your abdomen ...

hell only reason they kept last hubby admitted in i.c.u fer any length of time was because he developed a bloody infection that could kill him, other wise he'd of been out after a day or so.. heck prior to op he hadn't even been admitted, even though they told us the AAA was a ticking time bomb that could explode any time(the added caveat of .. oh and if it does you have three minuets to get him to the hospital wasn't too fucking reassuring either i can tell ya)

now they are telling me they want to admit my latest victim shit its got to be bad right????

so now I'm back to being terrified .. course what i didn't realise at the time was him being on workmans comp meant a better standard of care.. i really wish id known that at the time cuz the prospect of him being admitted scared the crap out of me more than the prospect of a possible operation

so hes wheeled up to the neurology ward ,... that's one scary term .. neurology it has a kind of your screwed inflection to it

now i got to admit from here on in i kinda lose track of time and what days what but we were there from around mid day thanksgiving till mid day Sunday..

hes thirsty as hell but on nil by mouth in case they decide to operate...

hes fading in and out thanks to morphine

when hes awake hes in huge amounts of pain and still freaking about the god damned truck and his job ... seriously w.t.f

I'm keeping to myself that I'm not only freaking out about him his health his possible recovery and future mobility .. but I'm also trying to figure out how to get the car back, how the hell to pay the rent, and the rest of the bills .. cuz i know damned well that hell even if by some miracle jobs not lost he sure as hell wont be able to work for months

nurses drs and the neurology guy all drift in and out of the room taking vitals examining him and so forth and a plan is arrived at ... after a certain amount of observation and if they are happy with how hes doing they are swinging towards seeing if he can tolerate a back brace first, if he can then the plan is to let nature do its thing and allow the body to fix its self .. this will take longer but if it works will give a stronger more reliable mend than surgery would, and with less risk.

surgery's not off the table yet, but is looking a little less likely

now they let him drink and allow for the possibility of eating, until they make up their mind for definite .. its evening by now,

they remove the neck brace... pheeeeeeeeeew that thing scared the crap out of me merely by implication.

hes over joyed at prospect of eating .. fucking typical guy

lol though to be fair being that this all happened before sunup and he hadn't eaten since before work the day before i guess we cant blame him there

this is getting rather long again huh and iv got shit to do and a fella to tend to so i guess we will be moving to a part three

Thanks Giving part one

2010-11-29T06:05:00.000-08:00

so this post is a fairly serious topic today but i shall endeavour to be as light hearted as possible under the circumstances ....

as some of ya might know my latest victims a truck driver

usually he drive's straight trucks or flat beds,

he can drive the more traditional tractor trailer types but generally has confidence problems so avoids them like the plague

this company though decided they wanted him on the big ass dump trucks. even after he explained how nervous he was with them
.. so ..
things were going really well

the company was supportive, understanding and patient.. they really did encourage him, and reassuring him that he was doing well

he's been working nights, me being nocturnal its been kinda handy fer me, though hell fer him

(though his last job was nights too so he was kinda acclimatized)

bout week ago he got phone call from a certain someone

"ohh iv not heard from you in a while and was wanting to know if you had lost your job yet"

... am i alone in thinking WTF ...

O.M.G

DAMN

way to go with encouragement

gee i wonder where my latest victims confidence problems come from lol

any way thankfully my latest victim didn't let this shake him

(not visibly at least)

and things continued going well at work

right up till early a.m thanks giving morning

long before sunrise i got a panicked phone call from a stranger telling me my latest victims truck had turned over and was currently residing in a ditch
the stranger had helped my fella out of the truck, and phoned for help
the paramedics were now tending him but every one was unsure as of yet which hospital he was getting taken to

(many thanks to this stranger who stopped to help, i wish there was some way to repay them)

as you can imagine the cold ice hand of terror started grabbing at me

this (not) masked man did try passing the phone to my latest victim but as you can imagine the conversation was not too coherent nor reassuring ... between howls of pain he slurred that he was hurting but fine,

(fine??? w.t.f ?? so screaming mid word perfectly normal huh its along the lines of a nervous tic is it???? or perhaps sudden onset of touretts syndrome?? )

any way he went on to say the truck bed which had been locked down had decided to raise up mid transit... (i guess that's what happens when you mistake viagra fer hydraulic fluid)

and the truck had flipped after hitting cables

all he can remember is sparks ... but hes fine

(so by now im getting horrific flashes through my mind like this)

(or worse)

BACK THE FUCK UP ... CABLES ???? SPARKS????

so were talking about ya narrowly missing being fucking electrocuted??? but yer fine though huh .. ohh sweet cool some one give me a fucking valium

after some more screams he tells me hes going to phone me when he gets to what ever hospital they decide to take him to, but hes fine so don't worry....
but
seeing that by this time he was slurring and kinda fading/rambling so bad I've got to say i wasn't that reassured

phone gets handed back to our noble hero stranger, who then asks if I'm ok .. aww wasn't that sweet of him ... of course my own personal feelings at the time were .. to hell with how I'm feeling how is my fella, really, does he look bad ..

(do i really want to know if he does look bad right now .. would it help to know?)

the company hes with has a no phones at work policy ... the passer by had phoned fer ambulance/paramedics what ever they bloody call them here... but no police had been called at that point.. truck has no qual com unit so guessing company didn't know

mental rush around the house to find number of company to inform them, not that i knew much but i could at least tell them there had been an accident go look fer yer truck.

really beyond listening to how supportive they were to him on switch to big trucks and listening to him recount the daily on the site accidents or breakdowns (involving others not him) i hadn't paid that much attention to company details .. like fer instance

fucking phone numbers .. or bloody boss's names... or even fucking location.. so now I'm kicking myself and tearing the place up looking fer a business card or wage slip or something anything. meanwhile waiting nervously for a phone call from him telling me where he is...

finally i think to look at preprogrammed list of numbers in the phone .. well yea duhhh (i really wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box that night)... ohh lookie a number that hes listed as work ... duhhh .. of course though theres no damned answer there.. but i do spot a name on his list that i recognise from him talking about work ... lets hope they are still on the same shift ... there not ... ooops really sorry to call you before sun up but .....

there that jobs done.. fella said he'd pass the info on to the company for me, and he at least had the correct numbers.

I'm shaking like a leaf by now but still got crap to do so lets put of the nervous fucking break down fer now and try and push all these horrible images out of the mind

still no call from him .. what if hes passed out before he gets there, i know paramedics got his name so fuck it ill start phoning around the hospitals myself, i don't know the system over here i don't know if they will call me when he gets booked in ..

first hospital i call i get put on to hold... with those bloody automated messages "thank you for your patience" ... hmm is it only me or could they of thought that message through a bit better, being a hospital that could be taken the wrong way

third hospital i call I'm getting kinda frantic when they say nope no accident victims brought in tonight... so ... "could you tell me please though, when some one gets brought in... is it common policy in the states to phone the next of kin" ... answer from them "ohhh only if they are dead on arrival" ohhhhhhhhhhh well FUCK THANK YOU FOR THAT LITTLE PIECE OF HORRIFIC THOUGHT ... SHIT

next hospital called at least didn't scare crap out of me and actually had couple of suggestions of how i could find out where he was, even though police hadn't been informed when i spoke to him they had perhaps been informed by now so try phoning the highway patrol... or try fire brigade they might know.

hang up .. phone rings .. given prior information to i want to answer??? ...

pheeeeewww its him my latest victim ..

(by this point I'm thinking... if he says I'm fine again I'm going to fucking strangle him cuz i know damn well hes not) .. poor sod sounds like hes in hell, but hes able to tell me where he is

now .. whilst i thoroughly enjoy being a hermit there is times where it is damned inconvenient .. i know no bugger that i can call to get me down there, his family is the other side of town but not the type to give me a lift to the hospital, or be very gracious about being called before sun up.

taxi time ... "what do you mean 40 dollars .. 40 FUCKING DOLLARS err yea ill get right back to you on that" ... sod it Craig's list ride share .. 28dollars.. pheeeeew... yea i know cost shouldn't matter at a time like this, but in the trucking game an accident usually = lost job no matter who if any is to blame.. there will be bills to pay, food to buy, extra expenses because of accident... medication

America lends new horror to accidents as well .. not only do you have to worry about your loved ones you have to worry about keeping the roof over there head through recovery cuz theres no grantee that theres going to be any help.

so hes conscious .. this is America so probably will be a patch up and discharge ... though of course this may take 24 hours to accomplish...

flask of coffee.. check....

book for him to read to stop him worrying whilst waiting.. check

fuck food they probably wont let him eat any way and i seriously don't got it in me to make a pack lunch

enough tobacco for 5 thousand smokes check.. (that should tide me over till taxi gets here)

my pain killers.. check (last thing we need is me being admitted as well, and Dr's tend to panic if ya yelp and fold over clutching yer abdomen, I'm guessing wouldn't be too good fer my fella to see at this point either)

fuck it swallow a handful of "precautionary"pain pills to be on safe side

it would possibly be a good idea to lock the door on the way out huh duhhh

O.M.G wheres my key.. im a hermit i don't go out on my own .. when i do go out its with him and we use his key .. where the fuck is mine ... house is already torn up with draw contents sprawled every where from looking fer works number.... frantic search through the scattered debris... no key... dump out the few remaining draws that escaped previous search ... my house by now looks like a disaster zone, if any one walked in they'd think id been burgled.. fuck it ill sort it all out when i get home... ahhhhh finally the key

double check its the right one

randomly pick up crap and throw it in the bag cuz it might be handy at the hospital ...

pace wildly through the destruction ... where he hells the Craig's list guy ... did he understand my accent ok?(i had trouble with his accent) did he take down the correct address? could he of miss heard me?

phone rings i jump out of my skin

its the Craig's list guy, hes at the gates of the complex .. sag with relief

i swear it felt like an hour waiting for him to get from the gates to my door

he had some one with him in passenger seat ...

i quipped that despite Scots reputation he didn't have to bring some one along for protection we weren't really that dangerous, well not usually any way .. and only under certain conditions.

thanking them both profusely we head off to the hospital with me apologising for dragging them out of their beds ... the poor souls had to endure me babbling inanely and randomly as i fought back terror, tears and flash backs to when last hubby was in i.c.u with god knows what tubes coming out of every orifice and scary bleeping machines

........ to be continued

back to bipolar

2010-11-19T16:57:00.000-08:00

"warning bipolar whine" if yer looking fer my usual wise cracks or humor they int here so

"run away, run away"

yep i know i usually dont do this but ...

one i promised myself i would be honest about bipolar

two only folk likely to read this particular post will be folk looking for bipolar info so in the interest of "sharing".....

ever had that feeling that every thing was thin... like everything around you is empty, shallow, banal and meaningless as though you're just observing life not participating.

not depressed just empty

unconnected

not suicidal but thinking death might be an end to the tedium of existence should it happen to present itself as a possibility

(hopefully after having the opportunity to tidy up, because oddly enough you dont want folk to think you live like a pig)

im not stressed, hell dont even have money troubles, there is no family crisis, in fact things seem to be going well

remember the 5 year all clear? with the qualifier... if you do im sure you saw they called me when i was visiting the boys wanting follow up tests... well they all came back good to go as well, had the final follow up the other day, so not even health concerns with that lately (they did do another T whatever the fuck marker test thingy but i get the feeling that was a just fer the hell of it kinda thing)

maybe thats it maybe i thrive better during crisis, for once things seem secure, safe, stable... maybe im just not equipped to handle those circumstances .. maybe i need to "have to be strong for their sake" and with out that being needed i got nothing, no reason, no purpose or maybe im waiting fer the other shoe to drop,

hell maybe just the pain and tiredness getting to me (but thats not like me fer this length of time)

fucking odd dont you think

cant concentrate, need constant mental stimulation, but cant settle on shit.. i just want life to go the fuck away and leave me the hell alone

then of course i feel guilty for not "enjoying" life and appreciating how "well" things are going

any way .. if ya can relate to that and you think you're alone ... you're not

now back to our usual programing

happy all hallows eve

2010-10-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

#####################################

being this special time of year thought id better shift my ass into gear

and instead of finishing off drafts that i have in the works
(am i the only one that does that starts them off then never gets around to finishing and posting? )
i thought id give you a suitably "macabre" posting

i just had to share two tunes that no Halloween is complete with out hearing
and of course me being me a couple of poems i wrote years ago
(hope you enjoy)

###############################################

#################################################

ALL HALLOWS EVE

As nights dark veil draws across the land
Your life’s timer runs out of rushing sand
All that crawl, or creep, or fly
Are aiming for your soul, as night goes bye

Night’s dark creatures that feast on fear
Preying on terror and a child's tear
Arise the dead and all celebrate
Devour the living till your hunger does abate

Flaccid, festering, flesh hangs incomplete
As decayed, animated corpses shuffle on rotting feet
Their foul putrid stench fills your lungs full
Tonight is the night for the dead to rule

As they seek to find you their prey
Will you make it to another day?
Hide with your covers tight over your head
If you think that will stop the advance of the dead

If they don’t succeed in feasting on your soul
Other night’s creatures might eat you whole
As hell erupts for this night alone
Are you safe hiding in your home?

###########################################

###################################################

Come forth terror

Come forth fear
Come forth anarchy

Its that time of year

Bring death
Bring fetid breath

Bring pestilence and poison

Bring unrest”

Vampires, ghosts, ghouls, complete

Werewolf’s, zombies, hells hounds to meet

Witches warlocks secure to walk the land

Marching with the will of the devils hand

All screaming and searching for your soul alone

Do you really think they wont visit your home?

They hunger for your company

To tear you between them to have you for tea

Come forth terror

Come forth fear

Come forth anarchy

Its that time of year

##########################################

you know i never could decide if those two were actually just one poem or not... they seem to be able to be read both separately and as a continuation

#######################

as some of you know i have been.. kinda sorta when ever i get around to it working on this painting in a half arsed non productive manner...

(sorry for the poor lighting)

any way shes propped in my living room awaiting her finishing touches...

(hmm that sounds vaguely pornographic huh)

as any thats been following know she will be as per designed holding a rose

but

i dont know if its the time of year or if i have some deep seated issue that needs worked through... but every time i pass the damn thing and catch her out of the corner of my eye i keep imagining this

perhaps its a threat for if i dont finish her soon ;-)
got to say that the creepiest thing is .. i actually kinda like the idea

so whats i been doing instead of blogging?

2010-10-12T06:08:00.000-07:00

err i guess there would be no great surprise in telling you iv been up to my ears in paint

for latest updates on my art click here

iv written some poetry too

to see that click here

and i got back into designing board games

mainly because ... well ... i was bored and it seemed appropriate way to kill time

(yes awful pun i know)

perhaps ill post a pic of that later

ohh and did i ever mention i was designing a dragon

a fully articulated one using a program called blender

(wire frame environment)

yes hes a little basic for now but hes still a baby

as time goes on and i learn more about the program he will get a little more detailed

(forgive the awkward pose for now poetic poses will come later this is simply the easiest pose to design him around)

iv used blender briefly in the past to very basically and crudely alter objects.

and the computer nearly melted at the effort of doing just that

but this is my first try at creating from scratch and certainly my first go at adding the ability to pose

most folk learn using a ginger bread man

...

(a screen shot of said ginger bread man posted by some one on yahoo)

but i figured sod it if im going to learn ill do it with something that will hold my interest

now im not designing him with a view to animation, i want him as a model for painting or for use in comp gen art.

and yes im aware the frame is a mess but.. i tried smoothing it out and didnt like it .. i prefer the craggy look

now .. experienced users of the program would of gotten this far in their design in less than an hour

but so far its taken me forever

im not going to tell you how many days it took me to get this far because you would laugh

but ohh well im a newbie ill get better as i go on

for now though

we need to give him a name

(answers on a self addressed postcard to blog answers.com ;-)

and yes hes seeing an orthodontist today

i was busy adding the teeth last time i was working on him

not yet finished shaping them and positioning them

all of which as im sure you can easily conclude means ... yep im still getting hit by a fair few mini manic phases

and damned useful they are too

i have some good news to share too but that my dears is another post ;-)

why redirected?

2010-09-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

so........
figured my main blog was was getting a little "cluttered" so decided to start "chopping" it up into little bits dealing with the separate issues... that way you guys can "follow" only the bits your interested in

my "main blog"
http://exper-e-mental.blogspot.com/
dedicated to bipolar... and my life in general
(and currently is where most my followers are)

my "poetry blog"

http://wid0wsweb.blogspot.com/ just what it says on the label ;-)

or my

"arts and crafts blog"

http://mitch-arts.blogspot.com/ dealing with ... surprise surprise arts crafts and anything in my life dealing with such matters

so back to bipolar

2010-09-21T05:18:00.000-07:00

its been a rather interesting week of messed up sleep a roller coaster of highs and lows and manic flurrys of periodic activity... all of which resulted in me not really blogging .. well beyond the art updates any way .. and the occasional poem .. but im not sure they count do they???

not sure whether to refer to this week as rapid cycle or rabid cycle

so what set this all off ?

hmm well .. bipolar does not actually need a reason but.........

actually the art may of set off the coaster, it frequently does .. or is it just a case that art is the first symptom .. who the hell knows

the fact he lost his job a little over a month ago may of set the ball rolling ... but really cant say iv been feeling to stressed about things so far... he was fairly quick on the ball to apply for unemployment as a "just in case measure" and bizarrely enough living standards actually went up a notch or two.

(due in part to thankfully paid off his family for the "help" from the last bout of unemployment)

did tell him if he asked for "help" again hes on his own im out of here...

actions have consequences... plan or deal with the consequences... if that means homelessness tough

(that is not to say im out of here if trouble hits.. merely deal with it together with out outside assistance {unemployment doesnt count as outside assistance because he pays into the system for that, so that is foresight})

yes some times shit happens that is beyond our control, or beyond foreseeable in which case he may ask my boys for help (depending on the circumstances) and hope to hell they are in a position to "put us up" at their place should it come to that.. (but id much rather just go camp out somewhere. iv started from scratch before and can do so again, possession's apart from a few sentimental memorabilia are just unimportant trappings that can be regained over time)

call me old fashioned but "help" is a voluntary matter and should not come with an expectation of the ability to command a person what to wear, what not to wear, how to talk, think, what to like, what xmas gifts you should be considering, what you deem important in your partner, how frequently you can see your own family, what brand of things to buy (regardless of the fact you know a cheaper or more appropriate option), nor should it be an excuse to demean, talk down to, or insult in any fashion you choose...

my boys thankfully are not like that

but

there are way to many people nowadays that only seem to want to help people out as a means of making them self feel superior, a way of putting folk down and or lording over and controlling them. much safer not to run that gauntlet, yes a debt of gratitude is afforded for help, but its not an excuse for all of the above

any way i digress...

other possible reasons for the rabid cycle....

well actually returning from my trip to the boys could of been a trigger too... parting is not a sweet sorrow its a gut wrenching hell

hmm sleep.... symptom or trigger do you think ... could be either or both really

on the bright side i did get fairly far on my paintings, on the bad side iv been really crap at "helping" my latest victim...

you see we had a deal when we got together ..

there was aspects about ourselves that we really didnt like and we both wanted to "improve", to eradicate the traits we didnt like.. not in each other you understand but in our self... i wanted to work on my "hermiting", assertion (seemed like good idea given previous relationships) and motivation ... hahaha lmbo .. i really did well with that huh

not ... (and yes i plan to work on other stuff later)

and my latest victim? holy shit he came out with a whole goddamned list of shit he wanted to change... and i thought i was manic from time to time,his list was mania central,

i cant even write out the list in here its so damned long.

i think he basically wanted to reinvent himself from the ground up, suggestions of possibly starting with one or two aspects were not met with any enthusiasm i guess hes a kinda all or nothing kinda fella

any way the plan was to gently encourage, use positive reinforcement, point out to each other when we were back sliding, and hell if the occasion demanded it nag, bitch, and use every trick in the goddamned book to help each other on our paths. (this according to some apparently makes me an evil bitch... not sure why. i always thought partners should help each other achieve their goals but oh well each to their own)

so several years down the road...

my latest victim has

improved his self image.

improved his appearance (most of the time)

has become more responsible

more determined and motivated

used more forsite

is better at handling money

has a vastly improved empathy

overcame the bigotry he was raised with

shit the list goes on and on pretty much everything on his list hes been steadily improving over the years

my great achievement

errrr

ummm

ahhhh

well im more apt to talk to strangers now does that count?

and i let him drag me out the house at least once every two weeks for shopping

well in my defence i do occasional suggest a trip out ... ok its once in a blue moon but its something isnt it?....

ok iv done shit on my list... happy now?

can i just put his improvements and my failures down to me being a better nagger than him????

what do you mean no???

any way todays blog is in the main to make up for my lack in this matter lately ...

through the art my heads been rammed up my own backside...

or rather the paintings backside would be more to the point.

and iv not been ..

handling or supervising the money as i promised

(possibly just as well with the manias) although i got to say hes been doing just fine and not really blown anything on crap.. (i cant say the same he took me shopping whilst manic haha shit bad bad wid0w.. so 30 quid of assorted icecream, cookies, cakes and so forth later he finally put his foot down lol, ohh i got him a suit too but it was a very cheap one and he needs one every fella should have a suit... can i claim that as assistance to his improving his appearance???oh and i use a lame excuse that if im pushing to socialise i need a decent new dress)

every thing hes done lately iv pretty much just looked up from the canvas and said ohh thank you honey well done much appreciated etc

im supposed to tell him if i think he gave it his all or can do better but iv not really been giving that any thought.

he was ironing his outfit for an interview the other day i did say i was impressed but thats about as far as iv gone encouraging him or fulfilling my side of the bargain, so i feel kinda bad

so id like to make a point of saying ... well done your doing great ... keep up the good work ... you really dont seem to be suffering of late with my lack of encouragement, nagging and so forth.... you seem to be applying yourself well, you seem motivated, your appearance (beyond the need to shave more) fits the occasions demands, ohh and you seem to of gotten to grips with budgeting... in fact id call our pact off now cuz it would appear that you can take it from here on your own .... but im so crap at working on my shit i still need the pact ;-) or a stick of dynamite which ever is most likly to get me out and about more

siiiigh another failure from me.. or is that just the down side of me talking?

any way his efforts of "self improvment" are inspirational even if they dont seem to be inspireing me to get to grips with my list very much

more insanity

2010-09-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

as you know iv been kinda lost within the realms of painting

being bipolar this means iv got several underway and i pretty much hop between them all

bit here bit there... variously enjoying my self, and totally trashing the house

(no not out of temper tantrums when one doesnt go the way i want, just general mess with paint cans drop cloths and so forth which im too busy painting to pick up,)

the "living room" is currently in the process of being buried under several "drying" canvases....

the "dinning area" is basically covered in a giant drop cloth and looks like a bad accident in a paint factory

ahhh but the bed room is clear i hear you say? well no, i live in an efficiency apartment

(i like the price and generally when im not painting its small enough for me to keep moderately tidy no matter how my health is on any given week),

we do though have a bedroom sized alcove .. however i ran out of floor and table space so currently the bed is also drop clothed and im sprawled across it painting "fine detail"

so....

whoo hoo yea im one of the few woman thats actually had stephen fry in bed with her :-) well on the bed at least..

and if that werent enough..... due to the fact im

1 a hermit,

2 its just my latest victim and me here,

3 paint is pain in the ass or impossible to get out of clothes

4 ok 3 is just an excuse cuz i just like padding about my place nude.... but 3 it still is kinda valid

5 ohh and my new great excuse our A/C is busted

any way that all means not only do i got stephen fry in/on bed with me but i be only in my birthday suit too .... poor fella lol

(just as well he dont read this... poor sod would be blushing to his roots ;-) )

so....

nude with stephen is ok ...

but ...

nude with "portrait of pain" not so hot....

(still have some ways to go on this yet)

you see... this particular one requires mini barbed wire,

which i constructed sitting cross legged on my bed.... however there was a bit of bad news......

im kinda absent minded so i kinda laid it aside then promptly forgot where

good news .... i found it

bad news ..... as barbed wire, mini or not, it really really works well .. "ouch"

so i can really accurately report that making mini barbed wire is in fact a pain in the ass
and i have the punctures and scratches to prove it

##################################

having poured my heart and soul and many, many, (wo)man hours into

the paintings im working on now ... such as ..,

please bear in mind these are works in progress

as well of course as the main (kinda when i can b bothered) project of

yea hes not looking so hot again .. ohh well

i will fix him

any way i decided after all the frustrating heart felt hours of painting to "mess around"

with a foil technique

which was simply tearing up foil slapping it on a board, and then throwing torn up tissue over it, then messing about with some pastel and varnish..

closer to kinder garden than high art lol

kinda no brainer quickly, lets pass time and give the brain a rest, just have fun, sorta thing

anyway including the time spent a drying couple hours of messing resulted in ...

this

which my latest victim quickly proclaimed as his favourite "piece" that i was working on

W.T.F

hours and hours of blood, sweat, tears, frustration spent on the others

meaning hidden in every weave of the canvas,every careful application of the paint, the shading

thought out from every angle, and the care in the composition

and yer favourite is ....

basically

the trash left over from making from last weeks turkey, and the contents of shoebox

what can i say

you

PHILISTINE

lmbo ...

nah im glad he likes it but sheeese lol

times i just want to pack up my paints and call it a draw on art (no pun intended)

###################################

After flogging myself over the fact i hated the direction stephens pic was going

i pretty much reworked the entire facial paint layer using oil paint and pastel

then blending them in

this resulted in this.....

p.s ..

no i wasnt reenacting g a scene from the da vinci code and breaking out the barbed wire from earlier,

i was purely and only mentally flogging myself and howling at my own inadequacy's... i think it did the trick though i figure its improved vastly

i loved this

2010-09-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

i just had to share this animation it was so inspired

here is something else i thought was wonderfully creative this time within the realms of reality

So Sausages

2010-08-20T02:17:00.000-07:00

WARNING ... if any of my kids are watching ya may want to look away ... WARNING

WARNING .. some shit you really dont want to think about in context to yer mother .. WARNING

( my son insists i now add warnings ;-) i think the vibrator in the draw blog shocked him)

yea i know in theory i should be talking bout the actual visit with my boys this blog, but i first just had to share this instead....

so saying that

when i was visiting with my boys

they took me to a specialty store

with lots and lots of all the U.K goodies i really miss

of course the prices were bloody extortionate

so i thought sod it ...

why arent i making my own.

sausages cant be that damned difficult after all

can they?

and pork pies ..... hmmmm droooool

and so upon return to texas i set out to find

sausage casing

(yes i am aware what its made of but id rather not think about that, casing sounds so much nicer)

it didnt take too long to realize that asking around the shops for sausage skins, whilst apparently humorous to some of the store owner's, was possibly not the best way to find them

so i decided it was entirely less embarrassing to just order them online

now my latest victim gets nervous about me experimenting

(with food)

i think the storys about what i used to add to hubbys food might be the reason for this

so i told him that yea sure id made sausages before...

"but it's been ages since i had stuffed a sausage"

unfortunately i chose to tell him this in the middle of a rather packed store.. much to the amusement of the other customers

so after escaping the giggles and stares of the other shoppers

we picked up the ingredients

the casing arrives a few days later

now its bad enough thinking about what this stuff really is...

but...

when you tip it out of the packet it looks like a giant fucking tapeworm pile ... ewwwwwww

and its all salt encrusted which really doesnt add to its appeal

apparently you have to soak this stuff for half an hour... this should make it at least look better huh

no way

now it just looks like an undulating living worm

and when you touch it ....

it feels like a used condom

ewwwwwww

next part of this rather disgusting process

the stuffing

not having a sausage stuffing machine /device/ implement

(stop giggling)

i rummaged around the house fer an appropriate substitute whilst the casing (yes dammit casing i refuse to acknowledge what it is) is soaking

a handy bottle of the right diameter

(about 1 and a half inches)

was conscripted and adapted

(ends lopped off unceremoniously)

there now we have a stuffing sleeve/tube/shaft of about 4 inches long

(damnit im not going to tell you again stop giggling)

now to get the casing on to it

O.M.G

so there i am in the kitchen sliding this 10 ft used condom appearing casing onto the sleeve/shaft/tube... using a hand motion that could of been described as erotic had it not been for the 10 ft of used condom that was involved

well thats the worst it could get right?

hell no

10 ft of used condom looking casing threaded on to a 4 inch sleeve/shaft/tube

has the appearance of a certain part of the anatomy from my last hubby were i to kick him out into the snow naked in the middle of winter.

the limp tied off end really does nothing to the whole image

swallowing down my disgust i grasp the shaft firmly

(stop it)

and grab a hand full of stuffing mix with my free hand

i start ramming it (the stuffing) into the tube, it begins to extrude

now its starting to look like all that hand action gave it a hard on

this is at least an improvement on the used condom look

after about 6 inches of sausage had emerged

(do i have to send you out of the room)

i twisted the loose skin/casing

sharply and tightly, i couldnt help but smirk ... it was even more satisfying when i snipped the sausage off from the rest of the skin with a nice pair of sharp sterile scissors

yay my first sausage

i shaped it
(resisting the urge to mould a head onto it)

and then pricked it

(stop sniggering)

and set it aside

several sausages later i had the makings of a meal ;-)

mashed potatoes, bbq beans, lashings of onion gravy

trying desperately to not think on

A what the skin was

and

B the entire damned process of production

it was, in all, a very satisfying feast

it was rather unfortunate timing however when my latest victim decided to get frisky and romantic after the meal

there i was stroking his pride and joy ready for some foreplay

when...

i couldnt help but compare it to a sausage in size and shape

although he did, i admit, compare favourable both in size and girth

pushing the days exploits in the kitchen from my mind i attempted to focused on the task at hand

unfortunately

as i grasped him firm in my palm and started to gently, seductively slide my fingers along his shaft

i kept getting flash images of threading the 10 ft used condom onto the shaft....

whilst he was making little moaning sounds of appreciation

i was trying desperately to stifling alternating giggles and thoughts of ewwww

(of the process of sausage stuffing not at his appendage i hasten to add)

well that was my day how was yours?

sausages any one???

the wanderer returns

2010-08-18T01:43:00.000-07:00

the wanderer returns

the whole break/holiday was fairly eventful, and very much like a roller coaster.

some good, some bad, some down right scary, and lots and lots of rum

(pretty sure my boys think that i should consider being an alcoholic or something and seemed determined to assist me on that path)

the journey

so the journey there...swallowing down any anti social inclinations and social phobic tendency's i embarked on 21 hours of mildly torturous hell

involving 19 hours of some uncontrolled brat spitting chewing gum over the seat and kicking the back of my seat every 5 mins... i was contemplating on whether any one would notice if i threw the little shit down into the cesspit of the on board restroom and left her in there till the end of the journey...

but figured nah id better not... was very much relieved when they got (or were possibly were ejected) off the bus...hmmmm ejected now theres a thought.

bizarrely enough, for me, i resisted the urge to pretend to be invisible

and actually did get to talking to some of the fellow passengers during the various stop overs.

there was the usual banter, occasional flirting (always flattering to the ego) and no one appeared to notice the nervous tic im sure i must of developed whilst struggling with the urge to strangle the child sitting behind me

the last two hours of the trip were pleasantly spent in an attempt to see how long i could hold my breath, due to the fact that amongst the next boarding passengers some one evidently allergic to soap, water and toothpaste got on, and of course decided to sit next to me AAAAAAAAAArrRrrrghHhh.... seriously the entire back of the bus was gagging from the stench this person emanated...

i swear, to any Deity of your choice, their odour was so strong it had its own personality's and really should of required several seats of its very own... it didnt cling to its owner it got up and roamed around on its own, this funk was so strong it was mugging and beating up the rest of the passengers. (throwing this one in the cess pit could only of improved the general stench)

thankfully i had plenty of deodorant

which i liberally sprayed into my hat (ensuring that some over spray went off into their direction) and promptly and discreetly as possible used it as a gas mask

(adopting the pose of the sleeping cowboy, hat over face to block out the light kinda thing)...

at one point they got up for the restroom and i snatched out the deodorant and sprayed it damn near until it was empty all over their chair (much applause from the remaining conscious passengers that had not, as of yet, been knocked out into blissful unconsciousness after being mugged by the odour)

i had hoped it might counteract the homicidal odour the passenger emitted... i had however erred in my calculations of its strength ... after a brief extreme martial arts match the odour won

and the deodorant ran off whimpering in defeat with its tail between its legs.

and then finally the journey was over i had survived... and there was the shining beam of hope grinning from ear to ear... son number two ... but that, im afraid, my little chickadees is a whole other blog

trip

2010-07-29T03:31:00.000-07:00

so .. after week of feeling like shit and over dosing on meds my house looks like a bomb hit it and i think my laundry pile is evolving its very own eco system (seriously with the extra bedding i went through with the fevers this pile looks fit to rival mount Everest, and i generally hand wash this shit arrrrgh) .. no way i can tackle everything before i head off to see the kids

got half a mind to flip things around for once... you know how sons always have a bag of laundry when they visit their mum's ... seriously thinking bout taking few cases laundry to sons house ;-)

am done with the antibiotics course thankfully (though i think i kinda messed up with several accidental double doses, fucking memory's a bloody pain in the arse at times) .. but alas as all you women out there know some times antibiotics leave ya with a rather embarrassing itch... should make the 12 hour bus trip bloody interesting lol.. damn i hope thats abated by then

cough not exactly gone but some of the worst crap is eased a lot, im all excited and would be raring to go if werent fer fact i still have to pack... which means mounting an expedition into the laundry mountain arrrrrrrgh

hmm

2010-07-26T23:34:00.000-07:00

things are getting kinda cluttered on here with everything seeming to spread further and further away from bipolar... but as one commenter pointed out .. in a way because i have bipolar every topic i decide to alight on is in some way connected to the main subject of bipolar... even the music/ poetry/ just for fun or even simply my thoughts on things pages, are intrinsically linked to bipolar... how i cope with it, how it colors or doesnt color my views or perceptions.

that being said things are still getting kinda messy so after having a blog for just over a week (lol) i find i need to spring clean already, i think as i reorganize things i shall add little explanations of how each is relevant and/or how useful a tool it is in regards to bipolar.

alas this means, im guessing, that as i move sections around or add them to different pages im going to lose some comments that have been posted WHhaaa

whilst im doing this reorganizing it would be great time for any one who would be kind enough to offer tips suggestions or advise on how to improve things even more, lay out idea's, topic idea's, and so on... pointers on where i go wrong are handy too i am after all a total newbie

official 5 year clear

2010-07-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

as some reading this will know several years back i got diagnosed with cervical cancer (well ok it was yes you do, no you dont, yes you do, no you dont, depending on what current mood they were in, who's charts they were looking at, or how they threw the dart at the diagnosis board)

any way two years, one inept surgeon, bugger knows how many procedures (culminating in a hysterectomy) and one exploding ovary later, we finally chased it all down. during times like that you develop a rather sick sense of humor

now... i know iv been saying its officially 5 years that im cancer free ...

(yes at some point they did make up their minds, the uterus screaming yes i am at them assisted their decision)

... but that was more along the lines of its been officially 5 years... on Tuesday its officially official.. that is dr approved, lab tested and sanctioned, totally free of cancer whoo hoo go home and party official... (dr peeked at slide and assured me its a sure bet)

now .. my idea to celebrate was a cake in the shape of a womb, possibly with a fire cracker placed in the ovary like a candle (figured it would b both symbolic and get the celebrations off with a bang)... i thought it was a cute idea...(and i figured we could cut into it with more precision and skill than the surgeon had)... my boys however think this might be a rather gross, sick "mum are you fucking insane!!!" kind of idea, siiigh no sense of fun huh,
now given that 5 years ago i threatened them that i was going to bring the womb back in a pickle jar as a visual aid for a sex education talk with them, you'd of thought that they would be used to my sense of humor by now huh

yes, yes i know that would of been a rather traumatic sex ed talk .. but i figured if i scared them fer life i might not have to worry about unplanned grandchildren cuz it might possibly put them off of sex fer life ...

just imagine.

"so sons .. this is where your sperm enters the womb past this rather nibbled at cervix.. (yes that thing that looks like mice have been nibbling at the edges of ).. into this area .. the womb.. (yes sorry its partially decomposing and kinda necrotic but imagine it fresh)...any way, from here it starts its magical journey to find an egg.. which is released from here this ovary ..(well ok this bloody pulp that used to be an ovary) the egg travels down this fallopian tube (just kinda ignore the missing section, fer some reason she left part of the tube in me, were not sure why) any way.. around about here (in the missing part of the tube) the egg gets fertilized by your sperm then they travel down to this part of the womb .. see sons? look carefully.. do you see all that area there ??? boys come back im not finished the talk yet ... what are you doing with that bucket?... ohh do stop screaming"

needless to say i didnt follow through on the threat ... but i think it would of been really, really cool

their reaction to that idea was pretty much the same reaction as im getting to my cake idea ....

one even went so far as to suggest we have a nice cherry filled cake instead ... i didnt have heart to mention that a "cherry" cake was possibly even more wildly inappropriate than my idea was. (certainly not for a 5 year anniversary)

so what do you think best ? .. womb shaped cake with fire cracker ovary? .... or a plain cherry cake?
####################

update

so i kinda got the all clear from dr's but with qualifiers ... so it was more along the lines of ... we agree things look good but were not happy with the amount of cells so were taking another swipe at it before we say for sure ... and were going to do a "t something or other marker test (forget the name)" as well .... ohh well

other than that they did get my old records from my surgeon .. or rather they got some bizarre fictionalised account that only holds its hands up to a couple of procedures .. a diagnosis that pre dates the initiation of all the procedures .. and a rather odd finding on the cervix of the last procedure .. doubly odd cuz i didnt actually have a cervix by the last procedure so neat trick .. yay way to go ohio .. (that nearly as good as the reappearing "ovary" argument lol)

thankfully the fantasy doesnt make a difference to the follow up procedures so im set to go just it was just all very much anti climatic and in general rather disappointing though

latest update... they recalled me back whilst i was at the boys, wanted more tests and another ultra sound urrrgh

so phoned up to reschedule the appointment, thinking it'll be the usual 2 or 3 weeks... they want me in this wednesday two days hmmm.

the bipolar granny

2010-07-24T08:12:00.000-07:00

so the day draws nearer fer my trip to see the boys and of course some grand kids too

and im told im about to become a grandmother again ...
(but hush and keep your lips sealed cuz its a secret and im not allowed to tell any one, so naturally i decided if i wasnt allowed to tell any one id announce it on the world wide web instead)

iv never really been the overly affectionate sort ... even with my own kids, i mean yes it goes with out saying i loved them but i was never one for the gushy crap ... bonding time with my family was us all heading down to the dojo.

play time was either going out back and kicking the crap out of each other (no not like that... sparing training) or wrestling each other...

with a side order of jumping out from behind corners and scaring the crap out of each other. (we all decided we better calm down on that though after a few of their friends wet themselves)

im not very experienced at this grandmother shit .. previously my oldest grandchild was half way across the world so things were fairly limited to phone calls... the grandchild i happened to be on the same continent as is only a baby,

but now iv got these two ready made partially pregrown grand kids .. little lass and a little lad who are, of course, where im about to go stay for two weeks ... and they are expecting some sort of "grandma" to turn up ...

hmmmm IV GOT NO FRIGGING IDEA WHAT THE HELL IM MEANT TO DO

did i mention that with the exception of my own kids im one of those folks that dont actually like kids in general? .. dont get me wrong i dont actively dislike them (so long as they are behaved) i just for the most part dont understand the little buggers.. even when i was a kid myself i didnt understand the little sods.. they are kind of ok if they happen to be into art, music or martial arts it gives me a starting point but other than that i seriously am quite happy being no where near kids..

which is odd cuz the little buggers seem to love hanging about me ... (i think its because either they are the spawn of satan and actively seek out those that dont like them, or ..., they are like some sort miniature cult determined to "win" me over, .. or it could be because i talk to them pretty much the same way as i do to adults..... seriously why do people talk to kids like they are bloody mentally deficient???i hated that as a kid and dammed sure i wouldn't inflict it on one)

i have some dim recollections of my child hood of grey haired grannys with bags of sweets and a carpet bag full of "goodies"..
i seriously dont fit the bill on any accounts im guessing nowadays turning up with a bag of penny chews and the latest copy of a spiderman or beano comic is probably not the recipie fer success that it used to be so what the hell is the equivalent today???

now its all very well folk saying to me just be your self but .. iv got to pretend to be sane... be some sort of grandma creature .. ohh and above all remember to not fucking swear.. (or at least keep it to the minimum) my kids and i use the phrase "you little fucker" as a term of endearment ... im guessing that wouldnt go over very well with two partially pre grown grand kids .. and im kinda guessing that takeing them out back fer a good kicking wouldnt go over as well as it used to with my own kids either.. and weve all learned our lessons from jumping out and scaring the crap out of folk who werent raised with it .. so what the hell does that leave ????

just me

2010-07-21T02:30:00.001-07:00

so ...

im not usually into doing these "personal" day to day hum drum posts but sod it

i can latter blame the meds if i decide it was just way to stupid a move to post

as any one reading this probably knows im throwing cough meds (prescribed and other wise) down my throat as fast and as much as i possibly can in an effort to get rid of it before the 30th when im going to visit my boys for two weeks .... so i need this damn cough to piss the hell off

any way im pretty damned sure some one at the chemist mixed my antibiotics script up with some ones suppository script because these things are bloody huge,

(they might actually of been prescribed for a horse)

im not actually sure how effective the treatment is going because the dizziness/nausea might well be either a result of the infection or way too much cough mix............

either way the buzz is at least fun

here i am with a sodding cough

hoping to hell

it'll bugger off

with syrup aplenty

to sooth the rasp

but do these capsules

go in mouth

or.....

any way isnt this meant to be a bipolar blog?

sod it im too depressed to care (thats my story and im sticking to it ;-) nice tie in though dont you think?)

on a side note ... W.T.F is with verification for comments

"The characters you entered didn't match the word verification. Please try again"

YES THEY FUCKING DID

i think the Internet is just trying to screw with my head

any way as i was saying at some point earlier before i went totaly off track (or was it off the rails) on the 30th i get to see my boys whoo hooo... ill be staying with son number 2 and his new lass, ill need pretend to be relativly sane so as not to scare the poor thing.

(i just love that pic its so me)

i secretly think this might be a totally useless effort cuz im guessing she will see right through any pretence at sanity what do you reckon?

hmmm is there any point to me doing these more "personal blogs" styling's

or should i just shut the hell up and climb back into my web?

bipolar/thyroid

2010-07-21T02:28:00.000-07:00

k so here are my thoughts on my thyroid mass in connection to bipolar

years back i got cervical cancer

(i just cant get over how pretty they are)

we solved that problem but since the crap with the cervix tumors mass's growths polyps nodes nodules and cysts have been popping up like daisys

(Wid0w, Wid0w quite contrary how does your body grow... with mass's and growths.. polyps and nodes... and pretty cyst all in a row)

(non of them cancerous i hasten to add)
any way .. so since i got the thyroid node/nodule/growth

(iv lost track of what the hell they call which occurrence where)

the oddest thing has coincided... my bipolar has eased off down to less than half of what it was

whooo hoooo for the depressive side of things .. but damn i miss the highs.

now lets be clear on this .. i was one of those medication resistant types... i.e most the dammed meds on the market did bugger all for the bipolar and just left me feeling like hell... with the exception of lithium, when i first tried that it worked... unfortunately no one told me what it was like to "not" have bipolar and i thought waking up happy was a sign of insanity

and it scared the crap out of me so i threw them away...

next time we tried lithium it alas did not have the same effect.

now at first i thought it was the adrenal gland mass (because when it decides to go nuts i get the strangest fake panic attack sensations, which i thought could mean it could effect mood or certainly at least agitation) but the more i look into things the more likely i think its the thyroid one thats causing the change as their is already certain dr's and scientists that are beginning to connect/research thyroid function in respect to bipolar

http://www.squidoo.com/bipolar-thyroid-disease

There is a direct connection between thyroid disorder and bipolar symptoms but it has never been clearly determined what that connection is and why the thyroid hormones cause bipolar actions. The symptoms are similar since hyperthyroidism mimics bipolar behavior.

http://www.psycheducation.org/thyroid/introduction.htm

whilst im pretty certain that gaining a growth in the thyroid will never become a popular "cure" (any more so than my realization that the cancer was a damned effective weight loss aid) i do find the whole thing rather curiously interesting so i thought i would share

i also think the new information on the link offers a tantalizing hint at the possibility of a "real" cure at some point in the future

now what would be a really interesting follow up (now that im back doing the whole dr crap) would be to see what happens if they decide to remove it

(although i think for now im inclined to keep it)

Q&A

2010-07-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

1. If you could spend the rest of your life doing only one thing, what would that be? writing best seller novels perhaps ;-) ? nah seriously finding a cure for bipolar (not for me so much as for those that dont want it) oh you meant things im actually capable of ?sleeping count?

2. What is the best thing you can bake/cook: in my youth i used to cook rather interesting brownies

3. What household chore is your least favorite? ill go with the all of them answers... other than that washing down my dragon collection is a massive pain in the ass damn things are dust magnets

(and here's some i made earlier)

(actually seeing as they are a flour/plaster mix can i use it for the baking question too i wonder)

4. If you could bring three things to a deserted island, what would they be? can the things be people? stephen fry for company and conversation johnny depp for something else entirely and a life time supply of paper.
if people dont count.. life time supply of coffee.. life time supply of smokes.. and the life time supply of paper

5. What's the next big thing you are thinking about splurging on? trip to visit my boys who are scattered about ohio.

6. Post a current photo, if you wish to be elusive, and abstract of closeup will do just fine..... i hate my photo being taken i have very few snap shots my profile pic with the hat is about the most current..

(looking for a more recent one as we speak)

(dont suppose this is recent enough?)

8. If you could have ANY pet EVER, what/who would it be? Realistically? iv had so many odd pets its difficult to pick.. if the choice were to be one iv not yet owned .. a black panther

Unrealistically? a dragon

1. Who is your favorite musician/band and why? hmm my tastes are kinda varied and who i like pretty much depends on my mood... for overall versatility i guess id have to go with marillion... because no matter my mood they generally have something appropriate

(why cant i post a player here arrrgh ?????)

2. What celebrity annoys you the most and why? unless any of them decide to stalk me cant really say any of them annoy me per say

3. What has been your biggest letdown lately?

myself

4. Worse job you have ever had and why? sculpting "blanks" for a gardening company... hired me for creativity and imagination but kept wanting me to do bloody boring inane standard shit "ivy leaves? frigging ivy leaves and you kidding me???"

6. Guilty pleasures? Spill. buying art/craft supplies

7. The last argument you had with someone - what was it about? my fellas father... pretty much told him he was a pretentious, pompass over bearing bully, and a control freak who didnt scare me in the slightest
(i was nice enough to dedicated a poem to him though)

second pass over the horses ass

the bridge ruins lay bathed in darkness. dark shadows dance across the stagnant waters below.
crumbling stone fall into the shallows
splashing stank stains onto the horses ass carved into the stone

beyond the horizon the heather grows
awaiting the sunrise and all it bestows
free from refrain in the wind thats blown
and in the distance the sound of the solitary phone

(scratching your head?.. surname bridge)

8. What would be something you would NEVER do, even if someone paid you a shit ton of money? .... pretend to be some ones friend

bipolar charts

2010-07-16T03:34:00.000-07:00

so finaly i can get text in with my player with out the player messing up whoo hoo... so we need suggestions for more music for the bipolar charts

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

blame game

2010-07-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

So after reading about yet another star's "touching story" as they "came out" about bipolar and the struggle they had and the problems and difficulties it had caused them, the poor decision's they had made because of bipolar, and what a fucked up person they were and the evil mean shit that they did because of it ...blah blah fucking blah .... now im all for stars coming out and sharing their difficulties with the disorder and helping "educate" the general public

... BUT GET THE FUCK REAL AND STOP USING IT AS A DAMNED EXCUSE FOR EVERY CRAPPY MEAN EVIL STUPID THING YOU EVER DID... MAN THE FUCK UP GROW SOME BALLS AND ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY... by whining complaining bitching and blaming every wrong thing in your life on bipolar YOUR NOT FUCKING HELPING.... your just pissing people off and helping to give folk the fodder they need to be prejudice against bipolar
does bipolar cause us to make wrong decisions ... hell yes .. but not every bad decision we make in our entire lives is down to bipolar ... and even the ones that are, ultimately it is still, in actual fact us that are making that final decision...

i.e
was i the evil bitch from hell screaming at you to get the fuck out of my life and give me some dammed space.. GO ON GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE YOU SMOTHERING CLOYING ASSHOLE..? yes it was i ..... would i of said it had i not been bipolar.. id like to think i wouldn't but hell if i was in a bad enough mood possibly ... did bipolar make me say it ? NO ... it assisted in helping me to choose to say it, but ultimately i made the choice....

im also the idiot that made the other choice of not telling you i was prone to periods of time where i really couldn't handle company.. i am also the idiot that didn't tell you i was heading into one of those spells and im the idiot that neglected to mention little signs that you could watch out for incase i, for one reason or another, missed the signs myself....bipolar had no hand in any of those decision...

really sorry i called you cloying asshole but i am an idiot and i am unused to people being so caring, and quite frankly it scared the crap out of me... if you forgive me i will now tell you the information you need to know so we can prevent this happening again .... NOT im sorry it wasn't me it was the bipolar...BECAUSE THATS BULLSHIT.. it helped but it did not make the decision.

(no political comment intended here i just liked the cartoon, and ignore the who and it fits well)

of course should we decide that were willing to take the risk on whether or not we can fly, chances are we might not be around to apologize to the clean up crew or relatives and friends who we have put through extreme distress.. sorry about that
yes there are things we cant control... crap memory makes any form of birth control short of sterilization next to impossible for a lot of us, i found out the hard way ..I.U.D's not a good choice when you have a real bad memory .. sure sounds like great idea at the time... get back to me a year later when you forgot it was in there, or you didn't realize that much time had passed and its embedded into your flesh... unless you have family/friends that are brave enough to endure your bipolar ass and remind you its time to see gynecologist again.. or remind you to look at the note you wrote yourself to remind yourself to book a gynecologist appointment.....thats all going to be hit and miss (the depo injection seems safest option if youcan get it). good luck with that one and im not being sarcastic when i say that.

meetings, appointments, birthdays, anniversaries and so on lets face it were going to miss some. all we can do is plaster the house with giant post its and hope to hell we remember to notice them or program the phone and hope we remembered to recharge it

ultimately it is up to us to ensure that we don't allow ourselves to fall prey to the temptations of bipolar in the actions that we can control .. and that includes not allowing ourselves to use it as an easy excuse. if we cant trust ourselves to watch what we say to people under a given phase ... STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM PEOPLE DURING THAT PHASE, or avoid long conversations if we cant manage to go into isolation ... if we slip up apologize, explain, and for christ sake give the poor sod the information they need to avoid getting into that situation again.

if were prone to over spending ... DON'T GO SHOPPING in a manic high... put your check books/cash either in the care of a trusted person or some where that is so dammed inconvenient that chances are the urge to buy what ever the fuck we saw on tv 5 mins ago has passed. pre plan your shopping list and take only that amount with you in cash.

if meds work for you get on them and use what ever works for you to remind you to take them as often as possible.

if you have a particularly close friend ask them to help.. friends can often spot what we miss in our behavior....wid0w you seem to be getting slightly irritable lately are you heading into a downward spiral? W.T.F HOW DARE YOU IM NOT FUCKING IRRITABLE..... ohh wait yes i am thank you for pointing that out to me i can now take the necessary precautions...

misconceptions about bipolar

2010-07-05T21:37:00.000-07:00

well hi there thank you for checking out my ramblings
i figured in this un-thrilling installment i might as well talk about something i knew a little about.

as mentioned previously, i was diagnosed bipolar when i was a teen... there are many misconceptions about people with bipolar, i hope i can clear these up for you
...................................................................no we do not spend half the year at the north pole and the other half at the south

nor is a person with bipolar any more likely to turn into an axe wielding maniac than any one else

(were far more lightly to hurt ourselves)

its not contagious..... so stop crossing the bloody street when you see some one you know has bipolar, or... i might well actually become the affor mentioned axe wielding maniac out of sheer frustration

(not i hasten to add because of the bipolar)

its not simply a case of getting the blues and having to snap out of it. there's an actual chemical/biological hell going on. you can no more tell either phase of it to bugger off than you could tell diabetes to go away

were not a completely different alien species, with three heads that are lightly to start spinning around at the drop of a hat

bipolar people are not in actual fact mentally deficient

so please stop asking us in slow carefully voices AND HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY using a tone that you would generally reserve for very young children and imbecile's...

(trust me most of the time you really don't want to know how we feel anyway ... and if you do I'm sure i will describe some of it later)

most bipolar sufferers are not crackers, crazy,banana's, nuts or raving loons (I'm a proud exception)

(although a lot of us can act that way some of the time .... i hope to explain why later)

they can be anybody from the granny next door, to the average Joe (or Jolene)

(err ok that might not be the best granny example)

high achievers, over achievers, low achievers, no achievers

(an example of three category's by today's, rather shallow, standards)

they can be famous, infamous, or nobody special at all

but of course all bipolars have one thing in common

we can all fly, read minds and have xray vision as well...

"what??huh??"...

nah just joking (wouldn't that be freaking awesome though?)

What does Bipolar feel like? like this ...

2010-07-02T09:05:00.001-07:00

thank you for visiting

as mentioned previously, i was diagnosed bipolar when i was a teen...

what does bipolar feel like i hear you ask?
(well ok i might not hear you ask that, it might just be voices in my head)

now that i actually do confess to having it.... i do get asked a lot about what bipolar feels like

i cant speak for everyone of course but from my own experiences and from talking to other people with bipolar

most of us think too damned much we cant help it its part of the disorder

no biggie right?

well here's a little experiment for you to get a feel for what its like

get hold of as many radios/cd players as you can get your hands on (got to be more than 5 preferably 10 or more)... tune them all to different stations,

now turn on the t.v (or more than one if you can)

now get back to the computer and start rapidly clicking on random web pages one after the other (try and hit 200 a minute) whilst trying to read the entire content of each as your rapidly clicking away opening more

imagine all that, (the radio's the cd's the tv the internet) are thoughts all running at the same time... that's just an inkling of what its like ... we cant turn it off. we have to try and sleep like that half the time too

(please bear that in mind if you catch us in a irritable mood, or wonder why we look distracted)

the lows ... (the depressive phase)

as with any type of depression that can vary... but most of us will relate to this following description fairly easily

trapped in a narrow deep, dank, pit of hell. the walls slick, sharp barbed thorns encircle the walls spiraling, reaching ever higher to the distant point of dim light far far above, a gaping maw below, waiting to swallow our soul. demons reaching ravenously, grasping at us, clawing, trying to claim our flesh on which to feast.
their howls of hunger drowned out only by our

own

screaming soul

(yes there's a reason why a substantial amount of us attempt suicide)

but suicidal is the worst it can get right????

er NOPE,

(actually suicidal is a fairly decent stage because you know you can end it with death if you really cant take it any more so there's hope)

there's a phase where even suicide wont help you escape, you KNOW this shit is going to go on for eternity no way out no hope of escape no end even death wont help because it will continue even after that

almost as bad is the phase when suicide is not an option because people rely on you to be around. people that you are supposed to be caring for whilst simultaneously going through this,

or because some one has told you you'll burn in hell for an eternity with a thousand pitchforks stabbing into you

(personally i say big freaking deal been there done that... see above)

... or because of other moral obligation or beliefs that bind you... or simply because you hope this will all pass soon and its just a "temporary problem"

(damn i hate that phrase.. temporary??? yea you try it buddy and know that even if you do come out of it... it will ALWAYS return)

of course it doesn't always get that bad

there's also that delightfully charming stage where our body's turn to lead and our brains to mush (though it can be a nice break from racing thoughts). where climbing out of bed is like climbing a mountain... and i don't mean a nice meander up

Kilimanjaro or a gentle jog up Mt. Kinabalu either i mean something like freaking Baintha Brakk (aka The Ogre) or the K.2 (aka The Savage Mountain)

even something as simple as fixing food can be beyond the scope of possibility and the thought of the outside world can fill us with unbridled terror, coping with other people during that phase can be an extremely draining experience its almost like other people drain our life's energy out of us like some crazed ethereal energy vampire,

seriously dude you can wipe us the fuck out, even if your being the most understanding caring loving person on the god dammed planet its nothing personal but damn, for the most part we just cant deal with you...i don't know about others

(because oddly enough iv not asked them on this particular point)

but for me i can almost bear folk around me, hell sometimes almost comforting... its interaction that drains the hell out of me,

(if they could pretend i wasn't there it might be ok ;-)

AAAHHHH but then there's the highs (mania)

man it is FUCKING AWESOME (though i know a lot disagree and dread them) but hell i used to live for them (of course my highs were very mild compared to most folks). kilimanjaro??? sod that i could fucking fly up the side of Baintha Brakk, K2? , i could probably fly up that pimple on the face of the planet too,(though many worse than me might think they could fly off the top of it as well) K2? it could kiss my ass

As my thoughts raced ever faster the world around me slowed down i could cram a week into a day, inspiration streamed at me hitting me like asteroids striking the planet, idea's exploding through the mind like the Forth of fucking July, all you wonderful folk out there that have tried various drugs to get a high (come on admit it i know some of you have tried)...i don't wish to rub this in, or make you feel bad in anyway but you don't know shit about a real high, there's no comparison take your best drug high and multiply it by 10 hell by infinity

i felt like i could do anything i turned my hand too,

my husband would go out for the day and come home to not only find the living room, repaired, redecorated and rearranged but an 8 ft dragon murel on the hall wall as well

(he was drunk at the time though i seem to recall he sobered up real fast)

i was lucky, my highs were mild and i rarely got into trouble with them

however

with some they can become very destructive, a complete break down of inhibition can lead to total disaster, spending their entire savings getting themselves into huge amounts of debt, massive risk taking behaviour, (think of the worst of the old rock/heavy metal stars behaviour) broken marriages, devastated family's, and enough fatalities from folk flying high to strike fear into the very thought of a high (accidental overdoses cuz fuck were super human and it wont hurt us, yea man i know i can steer this car at 150 miles an hour, with my feet? no freaking problem, kinda thing not to mention yea i can jump across the roofs from this sky scraper to that one no problem watch me fly baby watch me freaking fly)

and of course after that ....

there's the crash

(and i don't mean from the extreme examples that end in a wet bloody splat.. after every high no matter how severe or how mild)

... you cant fly high for ever, you can only push your body so far before its time to pay the piper ( remember the lethargy mentioned earlier? its like that, but this time you also have to deal with the consequences of all the crazy ass shit you did, not to mention the guilt, self loathing, humiliation and knowing that eventually your going to have to face everybody and they are all going to be judging you, laughing at you, and thinking you are insane, (and granted whilst you were in a high you probably were,) but now your cold stone sane)

But like anything else you get used to it right???

well that's the extra fun part about it, for a lot of us, just as you get to know the symptoms, and the order of them and can start making little plans of action to deal with it before you start spiraling out if control, just when you have that smug feeling of... ha i laugh in the face of bipolar... the shit up and changes on you i mean it totally metafuckingmorphosis on you .. where agitation was the first stage its suddenly the teetering threshold of hell... what you should been looking out for was noise sensitivity, or the tiredness or some other freaking obscure clue that you could never of bloody guessed at. every one is different, for some they remain fairly similar through out or so I'm told, others it seems to change any where between every 3 to 8 years.

i am planning on adding more info, links and so forth if you have any links that would be useful please let me know or anything you think might be a useful addition to the page just jot me a note and I'll be happy to consider/implement/insert it

thank you for the suggestion anonymous 374 but i don't think its even possible to insert that particular object there ;-)